majorshouse

Really scared

2011-12-07T15:25:00.002-05:00

I am really scared. Ever since Sue died I really was looking for someone to date and then to get married again, and yes I would not mind that coming true but on my terms and even on God's terms. I have a good friend that emailed me last week and told me she was attracted to me. The problem is that I am not attracted to her like she is to me and just don't know how to handle it.
I have been praying to make sure that this is right and have not gotten my answer yet, and then today about lunchtime Tracy texted me and told me she was thinking about me today, and that really blew me away. I had no idea what to say back so I told her I thought they were good thoughts and hoped she was doing well because she deals with really bad migranes.
I really hope that I did not hurt her feelings, but it shocked me and after having some bad situations with women coming on to me, I just do not know how to handle this. I would never hurt Tracy in one million years, but am not attracted to her at all right now and just do not know how to tell her.
There is another blind lady that I correspond with and really like her better, so who knows how it will work out and Betsy seems to be more settled.

Having problems getting to sleep

2011-11-29T23:49:00.002-05:00

I have been having problems getting to sleep lately. I am sure that it is the holidays and am really missing Sue. I think I will be calling my doctor in the morning and seeing about getting a prescription for something to help me sleep. I had to do this right after Sue died, and have not had anything for several months because I think I was too dependent on it. I have also been having problems with the cold and damp weather effecting the arthritis in my back and knee and that is not fun either, so I will just see what I can get done about it. I am ready to get to sleep right now and waiting for the Perkased to take effect and hopefully I will not be as groggy in the morning as I was this morning.

Missing my Angel

2011-11-25T23:05:00.002-05:00

I have really been missing my sweet Angel lately. I guess that is why some nights it has been really hard to get to sleep and some nights I have awakened at 4:30 in the morning and that is no fun at all.
I am sure that the holidays are exaserbating these feelings and the holidays were always so much fun for us and we enjoyed spending it with family as well, and that really hurst because she is not here. I know two years ago when my feelings were really raw, dad was near death so i just pushed my feelings aside and then last year I was in the hospital recovering from major back surgeryand it would have been so nice if she had been able to be there with me while I was in the hospital and know that she would have been if she had been alive, so this year it seems harder than maybe I was hoping it was going to.
I am just thankful for the friends that I have and the church that I am in right now and thankful that these people have kept me going for nearly the past three years as well.

Really missing Sue today

2011-02-01T10:43:00.002-05:00

I am really missing Sue today. I watched a Hallmark movie that I recorded Sunday night and it was the kind of movie that I would have watched with my wife. We loved sitting on the couch sharing popcorn and watching a good sappy and family oriented movie like the Lost Valentine. I guess I ahve been suppressing feelings I have had and today more than lately really miss not only the love that we shared, but the companionship of a loving woman.
I really miss being married and I guess with this being February and Valentine's Day almost being here, I want someone in my life to share it with and knwo that even sitting here I have not voiced that to the Lord like I need to. It gets so lonely here and quiet here that I can hardly stand it and then there are some days rthat I am just fine.
I know that I am dealing with things much better than when she died nearly two years ago, but then after interacting with people who have lost spouses, I feel like I am starting all over again at times too, and maybe that is a good reminder of what I had and what I truly lost.
I think that this must be God's way of reminding me that He is always there to take care of me and that he will provide for me int he right time and I need to depend on Him even that much more.

Emotionally exhausted

2011-01-18T14:32:00.002-05:00

I went to a greif share group last night and was emotionally exhausted. I felt like in many ways I was re-living the day that Sue died and maybe that was a good thing.
I see good things coming out of this group and there is a guy in the group that lost his wife less than six months ago and he seems so lost and I so feel for him because he is right now where I was nearly two years ago and some days even feel that way when no one is around.
I really think that there will be some good in the groupand hope I can help someone with what I have already been through as well as being helped as I still go through the journey of grief as well.

Hurting tonight

2010-10-08T21:51:00.002-04:00

I am hurting tonight. My leg has been hurting all day long and this is getting really old. I am really trying to be patient waiting on the doctor's office to call with the referral appointment. I don't care what they do at this point and that includes putting me in a body cast after surgery just to get some relief. I am frustrated because I don't feel like doing anything. I have laundry that needs attention and a few dishes that need washing as well. My friend Kim is supposed to be here tomorrow, but have no idea what time because she has not called or emailed me yet and that is hrribly frustrating as well.
She told me she would call me some time today and ahve not ehard anything and think that is kind of rude. With my luck it will be after I get in the be which won't be anytime soon and guess I just need the time to myself this evening.

Vry frustrated

2010-09-28T11:27:00.001-04:00

I am frustrated right now. I told mom if we wanted to get lunch before my MRI appointment, then she needed to be here at 11:30 and it is nearly that now and called her on her phone but have not heard back from her. I don't knwo if she is on the phone with someone else or if her phone is not receiving calls well, and that could be very possible sice we are both on Verizon at the moment. I know I need to be at the hospital around 12:30 for the paperwork and then ahve the MRI at 1:00 and would really like to get a bite to eat before it starts. Hopefully I will be hearing from her in the next few minutes.

Counseling is over

2010-09-23T22:04:00.002-04:00

I am finally done with the grief counseling, but must say it was a good experience. I am really fortunate to ahve had such a nice lady that was such a strong Christian but never shoved her Christianity down my throat. It has really given me the perspective that I so badly needed and know that last year this time I would not have been ready or receptive to it as well.
I am tired tonight and my leg is really hurting. I cannot wait until I have the MRI done and find out how bad things really are in my back. I am sure that the experience of the MIR is not necessarily going to be fun, but that is ok too.

My heart is heavy

2010-09-20T09:24:00.002-04:00

My heart is really heavy this morning for a friend of mine. Linda and Paul have been taking me to church since they live near me for several months now and I found out late yesterday afternoon that Paul had a fatal heart attack while taking a nap. This really makes me sad because I know that Linda is going through many of the same emotions I went through when Sue died 18 months ago, and believe you me, it is still way to fresh in my memory and always will be, and I guess that helps me to minister more to those who are hurting like she is.
I know that Paul is in Heaven and even though he could be a jerk, at least we are comforted in the fact that he is with our Lord and is no longer hurting from all of the heart conditions he was dealing with as well.
It is really nice to be able to minister to others that are going through what you have already gone through too.

Really tired out

2010-08-25T16:28:00.002-04:00

I am really tired out tonight. Counseling was really good this morning but it took a lot out of me and that is agood and bad all at the very same time. We were dealing with feelings after a spouse dies and I think I really opened up more than I thought I did and I am emotionally wrung out tonight, but it is a good feeling instead of a bad feeling.
I don't know how much longer I will go, but right now it has been a good thing and as long as my insurance will pay for it, then why not? I really like my counselor and that is all part of it.
I am gearing up to leave a week from Monday and that will be fun too.

Woke up too early

2010-08-19T06:26:00.003-04:00

I just don't understand this waking up too early. Last night was the second night in a row I had not used the Ambian to get to sleep and I guess it is just taking some time to really accomplish, but I guess my mistake was after getting up to go to the bathroom, I went to get a piece of cheese and maybe I hsould have just gone back to bed without going into the kitchen. I basically tossed and turned until 4:30 and ahve been up since. It is very frustrating and am sure i will be talking a nap this afternoon. I may take one this evening and then not take one tomorrow night so we will just have to wait and see.

Paperwork about complete

2010-08-16T11:17:00.002-04:00

I just got great news. The permit from the Bahamian Department of Agriculture was faxed the my vet's office on Friday and now all we ahve to do is to go and get the International Health Certificate and I will do that on the 2nd. I cannot believe it is all coming together so nice and quickly. I am so excited and am ready to go, now all I ahve to do is pack.
It has been a good summer and the coundeling has given me real perspective on life and that is a great thing too. I am now praying what to do about church and think that since I have reliable transportation and am getting good Biblical teaching just to continue to go to First Pres. I realize I need to assert my own identity but I know the teaching I am receiving at First Pres is solid and I need that kind of solid teaching. I may never be totally comfortable there and may always feel a little out of place as a person in such a large church, but I know it is growing and know that families are being ministered to and that is the name of the game as far as I am concerned.
I am now kind of looking forward to the Enquirers class that will start the day after i get home from the Caribbean and that will be good too.

I hope it is cold in church today

2010-08-15T07:20:00.001-04:00

I really hope that it is cold in church today. I just too Major out and the humidity is almost unbearable. I was so happy just to walk back in the house and we desperately need rain, but we also need a break from the humidity as well. I certainly hope it is not this bad in the Bahamas as well or we will be staying as close to the air conditioning as possible.
I am looking forward to a good day. Dr. Ferguson is back from his vacation but am still looking for my own church and not necessarily First Pres. I guess I am not Presbyterian enough so we will see.

A frustrating morning

2010-07-31T09:33:00.002-04:00

I am really frustrated this morning. A lady on a blind singles list I am on called to vent and this person is so high maintenance that it is not even funny. Everytime I went to say something, she just bullied her way and talked over me. If she calls again and does this, I am just going to have to ask er to let me in the conversation or not call me back. I feel like I ahve been hit with a sledge hammer and it is not even 10:00 yet.
I know that she was accused of being rude on a conference call and if she acted there like she did to me this morning, I would have to concur with that assessement. I finally had to tell her that I had to go because I had laundry to get in the washing machine and needed two hands. It worked out perfectly because I missed things that had to be washed and was happy to have gotten off of the phone and set up the talking caller I.D. in case she calls back and it will even tell me who is beeping me on my call waiting. I am almost getting to the point where I don't answer the call waiting. I hate that stuff and it is a real pain.
I feel tired already and I am trying to get laundry done and guess I need to go and get some work in the kitchen done.
I wasn't going to get on the bike or treadmill, but at this point it might take away some of the stress I am feeling right now.

Really frustrated tonight

2010-07-28T00:38:00.002-04:00

I am really frustrated tonight. I have been trying something that my doctor recommended and it is not working like I would have thought it would have. He told me to cut the Ambian tablets in half and take it for seven days and then take Metellolen and that is not working. I tossed and turned for about one hour, so got up and took a full tablet and it is beginning to work.
I am just hoping that I am not getting addicted to this drug, but it is the only thing that has helped me sleep since Sue died last year and plan on talking to Kathy about it in the morning when I have my counseling session with her. I really like her and she has given me real perspective on my life and that is a great thing and am hoping that talking about this to her will work too so we will wait and see.

Less than six weeks

2010-07-27T14:55:00.001-04:00

Less than six weeks now until I sail for the Carribean. I have been looking forward to this since October and cannot wait to go.
It is something I have never done before and am looking at it like a big adventure and that will be fun. Of course Major will be going withme and would never even think about doing something like this without my boy, so it shouldbe fun.
Counseling seems to be going well and has given me a good perspective on my grief and life in general and for that I am thankful too.

Feeling better

2010-07-12T10:27:00.002-04:00

I am beginning to feel better. I really think that the grief counseling is giving me perspective on things and that is great. I think I ahve needed it and I really do like Kathy my counselor because she is so easy to talk to and is so non-judgmental; and that is what i need.
I have no idea how much longer I will need her services, but know that she is there when I need her and that is a great thing too.

Frustrated tonight

2010-06-28T23:58:00.002-04:00

I am really frustrated tonight. I laid down with a book to put me to sleep like they normally do and am wide awake. I took the Melatonein and am still very much wide awake and do not like it. I am planning on refilling my Ambian as early as I can in the morning and seeing if a friend of mine can go and pick it up for me. This is crazy and I really thought I was ready to go to bed and now that I ahve gone, sleep will not come and that just frustrates the heck out of me as well.
I am definitely planning on calling Kathy my counselor first thing in the mroning and am tempted to call her tonight and leave her a message on her phone so that she will see it when she comes in in the mroning to see if she can give me some really good avice.
I know God knows what is going on and has won the victory but am so tired of all of this and am really ready for the roller coaster to be all over and done with and I really need to be rested when the field representative from the school comes on Thursday as well.

Feeling blah

2010-06-22T10:49:00.002-04:00

I feel really wiped out and blah today. I feel like I did right after Sue died and do not like that feeling at all. I am sleepy and feel like someone beat me up and have done nothing other than been through tremendous trauma over the past nearly 16 months. I almost wonder if I am really in depression and don't really realize it. I miss Sue so much and would love to be in a healthy dating relationship but the ones I have seen other than maybe my friend Tracy are unhealthy and would take me downa a path that think would lead me to deeper depression than I am already feeling and really do not need to go anywhere near there.
I am nervous and scared about starting grief counseling tomorrow. I think it is the fear of talking to someone that I have never met other than talking to them on the phone and sharing me with them and seeing if they can help me, it will definitely be interesting and hopefully can really help as well.

I think I have been depressed

2010-06-03T15:09:00.002-04:00

I came to the realization this afternoon that I think I have been more depressed more than I would have ever admitted to. I know that death of my dad coupled with the death of Sue last year has really done something to me and God really revealed that to me today. I am still seeking the fellowship of a lady and started talking to someone last night that I could fall in love with. Dana is still young enough to have children and she is looking for someone who is a Christian and just wants to be loved like I want and need to be loved and that is for who she is and not what she can become. It is a shame that she lives in Richmond, but that can be worked around as well if it is meant to be and God is in it.
I talked to her for over an hour last night and we both shared with each other via email that we were people that we wanted to get to know better and that made me really happy and think it made her as happy. I do not care if who I date or marry is blind or not, I just want to share me with a Christian lady who loves me and loves God and then loves life as well.
I have really missed not only being married but being able to share me with someone and when life has been hard just to be able to hold that person in my arms as well. It will be interesting to see where God is not only taking this relationship but me as well.

Bored today

2010-05-14T11:52:00.002-04:00

For some odd reason I seem bored today. I got up, drank coffe and even exercised; but seem blah feeling and cannot necessarily understand why that is. Last night was so much fun at church and really wished that I had had someone that I could have shared it with and maybe that is where my head is this morning. I ahve been praying that God send me a wife to let me continue sharing my life with. I know that I will never have another Sue and I really do not want another Sue, but someone that will love me for who I am and one that loves Christ and lvoes life as well.
Nothing much on tap for the day and that might be good and will be getting laundry done tomorrow so I can pack on Monday so we can go to the mountains. I was really hoping to wait and do laundry on Monday and may still do it.
I will just hang out and watch NASCAR all weekend.

Felling blah tonight

2010-05-03T19:56:00.002-04:00

I am just feeling kind of blah tonight and I am not sure why. It has been one month since daddy died and that might be part of it. It seems overly quiet here in the house and actually very lonely in the house tonight. Seeing mom hurt makes me miss my sweet Sue that much more and sometimes like mom, I almost cannot sand it. I am so fortunate to have such great firends and family that have kept me going and am so thankful that I am in the church that I am in right now because I am getting the spiritual meat from the Word that i ahve been craving for so long now. I guess I am having my own little pity party and in some ways I just need to get over it but it is really hard to do some days as well.
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Really bored tonight

2010-04-30T21:15:00.002-04:00

I am really bored tonight and am not really sure why other than the fact it is Friday and had no where to go. I know I could have done laundry but did not really feel like messing with even though I am going to have to in the morning because my favorite sports shirt that i wear to church needs to be washed so I can wear it on Sunday.
I have theNationwide race on but have paid little attention to it and that is unusual and just wish that Sue were here, but can do ntohing about that too.
I have really been praying for a girlfriend and that would be great for someone to share my life with and do things with as well and maybe in time God will send that someone that will fill my life.

Beginning to feel better

2010-04-14T08:23:00.002-04:00

I believe I am beginning to feel better. I have been exercising more consistently and have been trying to keep my protein up and eat, but eat less at any one time and think that is helping my physical and emotional health. These past few weeks have been torturous on the entire family and it is going to take some real time, but think I am starting to come out of it all. Losing dad felt too much like when I lost Sue, but now that time is passing and i am doing things to not only keep busy, but improve my emotional state and mental state it is really helping.
I enjoy exercising and am doing all of this for me. Call it selfish, but if I don't take care of me, no one is going to to and I have to love me before I can love God or anyone else and cannot help anyone else if I don't love and take care of Lin first. I think as Christians we are sold a bill of goods by feeling and teaching like we have to love ourselves last, because if I don't love the Lin that God created, then how can I love Him or anybody else; I cannot.

Really tired this morning

2010-04-10T09:23:00.002-04:00

I am just tired out this morning and feel like doing nothing at all. I think all of the events from dad's passing and subsequent funeral this week have left me just emotionally drained and feeling a little overwhelmed like I did after Sue died. I guess as much as I don't want to admit it, a part of me died when my daddy did and am having to come to grips with this.
I am going to church in the morning with mom and am not looking forward to getting up as early to go to the early service, but this si the service she enjoys and told her that it was her call and I would definitely go with her. I am in the process right now of looking for a new church home and am waiting to hear from some friends of friends who are supposed to be contacting me about going to a new church over near where I used to live and am really excited about it because I have been listening to some of the sermons from there and it is good stuff and ahve heard really great things about the church. I have decided that if I have not heard anything by the middle of the week, I will give the church a call to see about getting transportation. Surely there is someone that lives near me that could give Major and me transportation to the church.
I think if I go and get on my bike here shortly and ride for a little bit that might help me get a little more motivated as well.

Feeling groggy this morning

2010-03-28T07:34:00.002-04:00

I am feeling froggy this morning. I went to bed right at 11:00 and got up at 5:15 and went to the bathroom because my bladder was about to bust and have been up since then. I would have thought that the caffeine from the coffee would have kicked in by now and I guess that the stress of everything going on with dad is really catching up to me now. I am getting ready to go to church and then out to mom and dad's. I ahve not heard how he is doing this morning but am still really concerned and am really frustrated with mom right now too and that may be adding to the emotional stress.
I realize that she is doing the best that she can, but there are times that she is frankly being a martyr and if daddy really knew what she was doing to herself, he would be horrendously upset with her and would tell her so.
I am hoping that Sunday School will be good because the church frankly is dead and I need a break but don't think I can really do something until dad passes away and then I will look for a larger church that has some sort of singles ministry as well. I feel like it needs to be something relatively close as well, so we will just wait and see.

Feeling really stressed

2010-03-18T11:48:00.002-04:00

I am feeling really stressed out this morning. I think that much of it is coming from my family. This past year has not been an easy one, but it is what it is. Between Sue dying, dad being so incredibly ill and this stupid blood clot, I am emotionally stressed out.
I would love to see my mother give dad permission to die because I dread going out to the house and am only doing it for him. I would have a really hard time forgiving myself if I did not take every opportunity I ahve to go and see him. It is really hard since I do not and cannot drive, so when someone can take me, I go. I know that he is going to die soon because his poor body is just shutting down and mom is absolutely driving us all nuts. I realize that they have been married to each other for over half of their lives and are so co-dependent on each other that it scares me at times. She is living in a fantasy world right now and needs to give him permission to go ahead and die whether or not it happens soon or no. I really think that he is waiting on her to do that and just wish that she would actually live her faith instead of the Pollyanna world that I am hearing come out of her mouth. am so sick and tired of the churchese and the Christianese that I could litterally throw up. I feel like it is being shoved down my throat and not really being lived like it is being claimed to be and it just makes me want to say shut up and get over it. I am also to the point where I do not want to go to church because I hear the same thing where I have been going and it is like a social club instead of a spiritual church, and I can deal with that just watching ESPN and drinkingmy coffee as well.
I just do not know what to do and am sick and tired of feeling stresseed. My dietician let me spill this morning and I desperately needed that. I realize that much of my eating this past year has been emotional and am working really hard to eat when I am truly hungry and to keep my protein up. I am really starting to revamp my thinking with the treadmill as well. It has really kicked my butt and the way that I walked on it this morning truly helped. I went 12 minutes on a fairly slow pace and found my self going faster than I thought I would. I guess I am trying to push things and not just going with the flow. I have been trying that on the bike and am trying to alternate days when riding and walking. I think that will serve me well and am not going to spend hours at atime like some people have been known to do, but it keeps me staying active and healthy and I may lose the weight I ganed in the process.

Really tired

2010-03-14T20:00:00.002-04:00

I am just wonr out this evening. First of all I hate the new time change and ams ure it will take my body several days to get used to this, but think more importantly, I am just emotionally drained. I went back out to mom and dad's today and dad is nobetter and just wish that mom would tell him that it is ok for him to go ahead and die. He is suffering so badly and in some ways I don't think that mom sees it at all.
Between dad not doing well and celebrating Sue's death last weekend, I am emotionally and physically drained and am begging God for the roller coaster to go ahead and end. I am also struggling with what to do about church because John is just not feeding any of us and I am longing for something more than that is there and just don't know what to do about it and am afraid that I am going to hurt feelings, but see no way around it because I have got to start getting fed or there is no reason to go to church, and I don't like that attitude because I need the fellowship and the teaching from the Bible, so who knows what is going on.
I miss my wife and wish that she was here with me to share all of the pain of what seems to be going on with dad. I am sure that I am looking for someone to share my love and life with and just have not seen that too.

Kind of blah

2010-03-13T12:47:00.002-05:00

For some odd reason I feel kind of blah today. It just seems so still and quiet in the house like there is no life here and am not really sure what to do about it. Not much worth watching on tv or on email as well, so we will see what we can get into. I hear the wind really whipping outside of the house and that lets me know that it would not be that great of an idea to go for a walk.
I started my exercise routine back this week and it has tired me out, but definitely feel better getting back into the swing of it as well.

Finally got in a ride

2010-03-12T15:07:00.001-05:00

I finally got in a ride on my Recumbant bike this morning. I really hope I did not ride too long because my knee has really ached ever since I got off of it. I rode for 24 minutes and maybe should have gotten off at either 16 or 20. I may walk a little on the treadmill tomorrow or I might just wait until Monday and ride again but not for quite as long this time.
It really feels great to start exercising again. I did not realize how much I has missed it and basically I feel like I am starting all over again especially when it comes to the treadmill. I am sure that in time, I will be back to where I was and amybe even more. I was just bored and needed to start doing something.

I feel a little better today

2010-03-10T11:13:00.002-05:00

I feel a little bit better today. I think I did sleep a little better and am still somewhat feeling run over but am thinking that this goes with the territory as well. I think that my mother-in-law put her finger on the fact that even though I had been sleeping, I was not really resting and ahve still too many emotions running through my head and system.
I am hoping that things are better out at the house with my dad and hopefully mom was able to get someone to stay with dad and help him during the day. The man she hired did not even show yesterday and I know that really had to be frustrating for her as well.
I am hoping that as things go on, they will even be better than they have been. I know that getting through this first year was the hardest part and we definitely survived that and that is a good things as well.

Out of gas

2010-03-09T16:57:00.002-05:00

For some odd reason I just feel like I have run out of gas. I would dearly love to go and get on the treadmill, but the Coumedin and nurse and my dietician don't want me to until the Coumedin level is more consistent. I guess I am just bored and a little sleepy all at the same time. I could definitely go and do laundry, but I would have to get up the energy first and right now I just don't feel like taking care of it, even though it desperately needs to get done.
I was going to do it this past Saturday, but my family made sure I was out of the house since it was the anniversary of Sue's death and that might have been a really good thing in the long run.

One Year Today

2010-03-06T05:39:00.002-05:00

I cannot believe that it has been one year since Sue passed away on me around 6:30 in the morning. I still remember tripping on her leg that was out in the bedroom and trying to make her respond to me not even having a clue that she was already dead. I still remember the awesome paramedics that came here to the house and made me talk about her while we were waiting on the coroner to arrive and how comforting that was.
I will never forget that smile and how she love me and everyone and everything unconditionally and her love for kids and teaching them. I ahve never seen anyone that could deal with kids like Sue could and wherever we were whether at church, on a Lay Witness Mission or even int he store: she related to them so well. It was such a gift that I was envious of because I will never have that. I miss her giving me a hard time and her snoring and waking me up in the middle of the night snoring and me rubbing and patting her back and butt to get her to shut up so that I could get back to sleep.
The house is definitely quieter now and definitely misses her touch because we men just don't have that touch either. I know that this is going to be a hard day but will always remember my precious angel that brought life and laughter to me.
Heaven has to be a brighter place because of her love and her smile.

tired of the ads

2010-02-08T18:43:00.002-05:00

I am so sick of seeing Valentine's Day advertisements that I could literally scream. I guess it is really getting to me because I had so much fun sending Sue the floral arrangment I sent her last year. It wastruly fun and I would do it again in a heartbeat, but she is not here for me to deliver the goods and I just want this one stupid money making holiday to just go away.
I would love to be dating someone right now but just have not seen anyone I want to date let alone spend the rest of my life with too and I am definitely praying that that will happen soon.

A great start to the morning

2010-02-01T09:10:00.002-05:00

I have been playing with my bike riding to really tweak my exercise routine and this morning had the longest ride I have taken in some time. My younger brother who cycles all of the time challenged me to start with a light tension and work my way up to a little tension but something comfortable that I could keep a constant speed and then bring the tension back down and went 40 minutes this morning. This is the longest I have ridden in some time and it feels great. I am really trying to tone up and figured at 40 minutes I rode approximately 15 miles and the only downside is that butt feels a little numb, but am sure that feeling will subside soon enough.
I may try getting back on the treadmill at a really slow speed in the morning just to keep my legs limber but need to be careful since I have a degenerating disc in my lower back that seems to be pinching a nerve. I have a problem walking and or standing for long periods of time because my right foot and leg get numb.
It is Monday and now I feel great and after cooling down some, it will be time to jump in the shower so I won't stink the rest of the day.

It is over

2010-01-27T16:36:00.002-05:00

The estate is finally over and settled. I went to the lawyer's office this morninga nd signed the rest of the paperwork that had to be signed and I am happy it is done. I feel like a great weight has been taken off of my shoulders and now I can get on with my life.
I hated having to do it, but am happy that is over and done with. I thought about ordering pizza or pasta to celebrate tonight, but waited too late so we will take care of that later on this week and will more than likely wait unti Friday which is my normal pizza night.

Really excited

2010-01-21T16:31:00.002-05:00

I am so excited, and ahve not been this excited since I ooked my cruise in October. I called Carnival this afternoon and finished paying for my cruise and everything is now set for Major and I to sail from Charleston in September. I think it is going to be something great and cannot wait especially since 2009 was such a bad year and never really took a vacation.
My only real regret is that Sue cannot be here to enjoy it with me and am still looking for someone to date as well and I know that she would really want me to be happy too.

Tired of the whining

2010-01-16T19:01:00.000-05:00

I am sick and tired of the whining I am seeing from many of the blind people on one of the lists that I am on. I swear it seems like the world has to revolve around them ajnd I am so damn sick of the bitching and whining I could literally scream and wish that these idiots would just get a life.

2010-01-16T18:57:00.000-05:00

Finally getting it done

2010-01-09T21:45:00.002-05:00

I am finally getting the doors on my house taken care of. My nephew Max took me to Lowe's today and I picked out sliding glass doors as well as a new back door for the utility room as well as the front storm door. They will get someone to come out and measure to make sure my measurements were totally correct and to also make sure I don't need anything additional when they go to install them and hopefully in about two weeks or less, I will have the new doors here on the house and I am also hoping that this will insulate these areas a little better too and that will help my furnace be more efficient and my power bill not to be as bad too.
I am glad mom suggested that while we were out to go ahead and go by Lowe's and look and I am really happy that I did because I really like what I picked out and Max did a great job of helping me pikc the doors out too.
I will be going out to mom and dad's tomorrow after church and that should be good too.

Really frustrated this morning

2010-01-08T11:21:00.002-05:00

I think that this titlE says ti all. I am really frustrated with someone that I thought I was really true friends with and helped when no one else would, but for some odd reason this person chooses not to communicate and that has really hurt my feelings. I just do not understand people anymore and especially people that are supposed to be christians. The church is full of these people and I am sick of the shoving the church down my throat to the point where I want nothing to do with church. I know that this is a really bad attitude, but it is the way that I feel right now. The church that I am attending is absolutely dead and the pastor seems to want nothing to do about it and am getting tired of going to a little soical club, I could do just as well sitting at home watching ESPN. I guess I am just frustrated and thought that I could depend on this friend to take me to the store as well and now have to find someone else, what a real pain this has become.

Felling blah

2009-12-31T17:22:00.002-05:00

I feel really blah today and have a feeling that it is because I am facing going into the new year without Sue. I really do miss her and feel really blah like I just don't want to do anything or go anywhere, and I guess that this is a natural feeling.
I will more than likely watch football tonight and then go to bed and may not even stay up to watch the ball drop, or if I do, I will see it drop and then go to bed.
I am really hoping that 2010 will be a much better year and we can get rid of much of the family trauma that we have dealt with this year.

Depressed this morning

2009-12-23T07:27:00.001-05:00

I am kind of depressed this morning. My sister called me around 5:45 telling me that my dad was at the emergency room again and his pneumonia is back with a vengence. It looks like Christmas is going to be spent up at the hospital again and this is not the way I wanted to spend Christmas. I wish that I were in the Bahamas right now and could just disappear. I knew that it was going to be much harder this year because of Sue not being here, but this is getting ridiculous. I know that daddy cannot help it and I cannot help feeling the way that I do and am just praying that God would go ahead and take him home and just let him out of his misery. I think that this would be so much easier on my mom in the long run and the rest of the family even though they do not know it.
When I die, I want to just go like Sue did and not have my family have to worry and watch me die like we have been doing with dad for the past several months. It is just emotionally wiping everyone out and we need a break.

Really wrung out

2009-12-16T10:19:00.003-05:00

I feel really wrung out today. Dad is still in the hospital and it looks like this is the end of his life. It has only been a little over nine months since I lost Sue and now am having to deal with all of this emotionally and humanly it is almost more than I can handle. Dad has had a great life and he is a great man and has been a great role model not as a father but as a husband to my mother and after looking at their marriage, I see all of the mistakes I made in my marriage and am praying that I get that second chance.
I miss Sue right now and have told her several times lately I am mad at her for leaving me because I really could use the comfort of her arms right now too.
I know that God is with us all and int he coming days will be with us more than ever, but it doesn't mean that I am really hurting right now and am really chrishing my friends and family right now.

A stressful week

2009-11-29T06:00:00.002-05:00

This has been one really stressful week. If I don't see the insdie of a hospital again for a while, it will never hurt my feelings and can only imagine how my dad feels. His Parkinsons disease has been in full force and we had no idea that he was not getting the balance of nutrition that he so desperately needed and that caused all of his medicines to back up into his liver and then once he started getting the nutrition he despeartely needed, his body started metabolizing the meds and he started overdosing on them and that really started the problems we saw earlier this week when we thought he was gone. He is still not out of the woods and will be getting the peg for the permanent feeding tube in the morning and that will be a good thing. Now if my mom will chill out a little bit and start listening to the four of us and even the doctors, things will not be quite as stressful. I know she loves my dad and I highly commend her for the way she is taking care of him, but it has gotten to the point of being over obsessive and possessive and that is causing problems not only within the family, but with the doctors there in the hospital as well and am happy to see that a couple of the doctors are really taking charge with her and are telling her that this si the way that it has to be.

Really overwhelmed

2009-11-22T08:01:00.002-05:00

I feel really overwhelmed and stressed this morning. I think it comes from the fact that we are having church here in my house tonight and just don't feel ready. I have been wondering since last night if I should go to Forest Lake this morning because we normally get out so late and then it will be a rush to get back home and then get things polihsed for church tonight. I just feel like taking a nap right now and clearing my mind, but at the same time I feel like I don't have time and on top of everything else, mom called me right about 8:00 to invite me to lunch. I really wish that that she would not wait to the very last minute to invite me. I had to tell her no because there is just n o way I can go to Forest Lake and then go to her house and then come back here in time for getting the house ready to worship.
I am just praying that God calms me down a little bit and know that it will be all right. I am a little nervous about tonight because I know we will be talking about where the church is headed and I am afraid that there are going to be some hard things shared since our pastor has decided to abandon us and I really do not want to hurt his lovely wife Theresa in the process as well.

Tired tonight

2009-11-20T21:13:00.001-05:00

I think that the subject line says it all. My mother-in-law and a friend of hers were here this morning and most of the day and they did get a lot accomplished and they even found the original copies of the wills and wished that I had been able to find them back in March when I needed the original copy of Sue's will.
I am just hanging out for the weekend and am looking forward to having church here on Sunday night as well.

Utterly exhausted this afternoon

2009-11-19T22:59:00.002-05:00

For some odd reason I feel really cynical tonight. I ahve been seeing too many posts from non genuine two faced people and I am just sick of it. I think that the last straw was something i saw from "well meaning friend" that sounded churchy and I think I just lost it.
I am so sick and tired of people that say one thing and then do antoher and that even includes the church. If you say something, then for goodness sake, mean it and not come off looking or sounding pompous and two faced.
I guess I just needed to get this off of my chest before I went to bed.

2009-11-12T21:17:00.002-05:00

I am feeling extremely blah tonight. I am not really sure why and part of it could be the rainy and dreary cold weather we ahve been having and part of it is just being lonely. It has been so quiet here in the house and I am miserable. I know that people are looking for someone for me to date, and I am frustrated that I am not dating someone. I know some people have told me to wait as much as two years, and I am sorry but I am ready to get on with my life. I realize that Sue was a special person and will never find another one like her and will never replace her, but feel like it is time to get on with my life too.
I am looking forward to dinner at church this weekend and then the week after Thanksgiving will be going to a Christmas dinner at the support group for gastric bypass patients and that should be fun because Theresa and Susan are going too and that will be fun and trouble all at the same time.

Feeling blah today

2009-10-09T12:28:00.000-04:00

I think that the subject line tells it all. I feel really blah today and ahve felt that way for a couple of days. It seems really quiet in this house and that may be why I feel so stinking blah. Yesterday was seven months since I buried Sue and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. I would love to say it was a nightmare that I am just now waking up from, but don't think that is reality too. In some ways I would just love to stay here in the house and go nowhere, but know that is not healthy mentally for me. I did get on my bike and ride for 32 minutes this morning and that felt great because I felt like I needed to ride.
I am just going to take it easy this afternoon and just see what happens.

Feeling down tonight

2009-10-02T20:56:00.001-04:00

I am feeling kind of down tonight. It seems so quiet here in the house right now and cannot stand it. I am really missing Sue right now and even if we were just watching tv, it would seem more lively than it normally has been lately.
I know that I am goi8ng to go through some of these feelings from time to time and I do remember the good times as well.

Just not feeling good

2009-09-21T07:19:00.003-04:00

I am just not feeling good still this morning. I think I have another upper respiratory infection or bronchitis. It is acting the very same way that it did the week that Sue died. I don't know if it was the stress of the mission catching up with me from last weekend, but I have not really felt good since Thursday and I did call the doctor's office to see if they would call something in for me, but nothing has been called in yet. I am just waiting on them and this cough I have is driving me nuts, and a good antibiotic would definitely help and I know that was what it took back in March to get rid of it all.
I am hanging in there otherwise and have nothing planned for today because I feel so darn lousy. I know that I need to be on my bike, but with this cough, I really do not think it is a good idea.

something really special

2009-09-15T22:38:00.002-04:00

Something really specialhappened this evening. I found out that there were two pictures of us at the downtown library with the puppy group and one even in cluded Sue in it and I a so pleased to get it. Of course Major is center stage and that is a great thing to becauwe that is what everyone came to see besides the cute puppies that we had as wwell.
It is really nice when people think of me in this way and are concerned what I think about Sue being in the pictures and i feel great about her being in the pictures because she was definitely a huge part of my life and the puppy program as well.

A hard weekend

2009-09-13T21:25:00.002-04:00

It was a hard weekend going to the Lay Witness Mission this past weekend. I knew that it was going to be emotionally difficult, but I was not prepared for how hard it really was. I guess in many ways it was cathartic and even somewhat theraputic, but I still was not prepared for it.
It was hard but I made it by the sheer grace of Godand now know that I can make it through another one, but looks like we won't be having anymore for a while too.
I am glad I went and it was great working with and hanging out with my buddy Tiffany and the kids were really responsive which is not the norm, but that is ok too.
I really enjoyed the church and the host couple I stayed with could not have been nicer. I know that it has to be ahrd for a family to welcome strangers that they don't even know and even harder to welcome one in who has to ahve the dog with him everywhere he goes as well.
It turned out as well as it could have and now I am looking forward to sleeping in my bed tonight.

Trying to make a decision

2009-09-04T14:54:00.001-04:00

I am trying to make a hard decision. I have some money left over from the life insurance and am trying to decide to spend it or not on paying the trailer off. I know that I more than likely need to wait until I get something from the probate court about how much I am going to owe them for the estate and then make a decision. I could pay the thing off and then sell it to Toby or just let him pay to have it deeded over into his name. I know that the cd I currently have is about to mature and the rate on it is bottoming out too and that really saddens me too.
It will be interesting to see what the correct thing to do is.

Still sleeping

2009-09-02T05:49:00.002-04:00

I am still sleeping thanks to the Ambian that Dr. Lobel gave me. I will be going back to see him in the morning and I need to check to make sure that prescription has refills on it as well. I am glad that I am finally sleeping again and think that has definitely made the difference in how I feel. I was really miserable and the anti-depressants only made me really hungry and I definitely did not need that too.
I was really dreading going on the Lay Witness Mission nest week and still feel really intimidated working with the the youth by myself without Sue, but God will be with us and we will get through it somehow.

A blah day

2009-08-31T16:54:00.002-04:00

It has been kind of a blah day today. I really don't know why because I have been getting a lot of sleep. I think one of the things that has messed me up was the fact that I did not get the right kind of protein at my mid-morning snack and that messed me up as well as lunch sucked. I had something different than what i thought it was going to be, but supper is going to be great, rotissery chicken and mashed potatoes.
I will be going back to see the doctor on Thrusday and we will definitely see if going off of the anti-depressants has helped my blood pressure too.

Struggling with a decision

2009-08-24T18:35:00.002-04:00

I am really struggling with a decision. I am supposed to be going on a Lay Witness Mission the day after what would have been Sue's birthday. In one sense I really want to go because I love the missions but on the other hand, that will be the first time I have dealth with her birthday and really would just as soon not have to be happy with people and just as soon would rather stay home and hide. I know that serving God is a need and want in my life, but I am really dreading this mission and really don't know what I should do. I am desperately praying for the right answer and I know that God will answer me, I just feel really dreadful and intimidated because Sue had done all of the work and I was the support for her. I really loved doing it too.

Thank God for Ambian

2009-08-16T07:46:00.000-04:00

All I ahve to say is thank God for Ambian. That has helped me sleep more than anything else lately. It is really nice to be able to get between seven and eight hours of sleep a night and that is the only thing that has made the difference. I ahve noticed that the anti-depressant has made me really hungry and I know I have gained some weight because of it and until I hear otherwise, I am steering clear of it. I am planning on calling the doctor's office in the morning and talking to the nurse about it as well.
I feel so much better now and really know that is because I ahve been sleeping regularly.

Beginning to finally sleep

2009-08-12T06:55:00.000-04:00

I am finally beginning to sleep through the night. I have been taking my new anti-depressant and using the remaining Ambian that I was prescribed after Sue died to help me sleep and trust me, it has been knocking me out and that is a good thing. I ahve been getting between six and seven hours of good sleep a night and that is a good thing right now.
I get up a little sleepy, but that is ok too and seem to have had a little more energy lately and for me, that is a good thing too.

Sleeping a little better

2009-08-09T08:02:00.000-04:00

I have slept a little better the past three nights. I guess it is because i have taken the Ambian that Dr. Lobel prescribed after Sue died and it did not seem to help for a while and then I have just started using it again. It is nice to be able to sleep through the night without waking up and not being able to go back to sleep. The only down side is that it seems to take me forever to wake up.

Beginning to sleep better

2009-08-08T06:39:00.003-04:00

I think I am finally beginning to sleep a little better and really think that it was the Prozac. I have takent he remaining Ambian for the last two nights and ahve gotten between seven and eight hours of sleep and that was good.
I will start a different med on Monday and we will see how well it works and then if I need something else, I will call the doctor and see about him calling something in for me.
I have got to start getting some sleep because it has definitely effected my eating as well as my blood pressure has royally shot upand that is definitely not a good thing when everything was under such control, so we will see and I know that not sleeping well or even geting enough sleep will effect both of them and am working diligently about getting my appetite back under control too.

Really frustrated

2009-08-04T13:57:00.001-04:00

I am really frustrated with the Prozac. I have tried taking it at night and I am seeing the same results I saw with taking it in the morning and I would rather not take anything than to have to only get four hours of sleep a night. The last few nights between taking Tylenol PM and not taking anything including the Prozac, I was sleeping around seven hours and was feeling good and now after only getting four hours of sleep last night, I feel really rung out and hate this feeling. I am glad i am going back to the doctor on Thursday and we will just see where we go from here, either with taking nothing at all or taking something totally different. I am really happy that Emily persuaded me to make sure I was blogging my journey with the anti-depressant and I can openly and honestly talk with the doctor after being on it for the past month.
I feel good other than feeling really strung out from not sleeping like I need to and I can also tell that it is effecting my eating as well.

A better couple of nights

2009-08-01T07:43:00.000-04:00

I have had a better couple of nights. I did wake up before 5:00 with my sinuses on fire and took three Tylenol and then went back to bed and was able to go back to sleep and then did not want to get up. Either taking the Prozac at night is helping or I am just really tired out and needed the sleep as well.
Today is going to be busy and that is great. We have our back to school bash with church this morning and then church tonight, and then tomorrow will be spent at mom and dad's because it is my birthday.

Another long night

2009-07-29T07:21:00.002-04:00

It was a nother long night. I woke up twice with cramps in my foot and having to go t the bathroom and then around 4:30 I had a cramp in my left foot and had to go to the bathroom and just stayed up, I guess that is better than the night before, but am really getting weary of these long nights as well.
I just wonder if it is what Ihave been going through since Sue's death or the effects of the Prozac as well. I really frustrates me that I am not sleeping as well as I would like to and have been praying that it will end and that I will start getting the rest that i am desiring.

A really long night

2009-07-28T08:34:00.002-04:00

Last night was a really long night. I went to bed around 10:00 and woke up around 12:15 and finally took a Tylenol PM around 1:00 and finally drifted off to sleep around 1:45 and then got up around 6:00, so I am dragging this morning and really don't want to drag and since I am going to mom nad dad's today, will just take things easy and maybe see if I can sneak in a nap too.
I am getting really tired of this not sleeping well and am ready for it to come to a screeching halt.

Better sleep

2009-07-23T11:32:00.001-04:00

I am finally beginning to get better sleep. Even though we had a terrific thunderstorm late last night, I still got nearly eight hours sleep and I am guessing that the new antibiotic is helping too. I definitely feel better today and ahve just been reading when I ahve not been on the computer and that has made for a great day.

Getting really tired of this

2009-07-21T10:23:00.002-04:00

I am really getting tired of not sleeping more than three or four hours a night. I am just getting way too old for this and I really feel like a zomibe this morning. I went to be around 10:30 and woke up around 1:45 and never went back to sleep and needless to say, coffee has been my best friend this morning. I am working on my second pot and will just be taking things easy today as well. I brewed the first pot around 2:45 and the second pot at 9:00, good stuff and hopefully I won't feel like a zombie the rest of the day as well.

Another early morning

2009-07-19T08:45:00.000-04:00

Again another early morning. I just do not understand why I can go to sleep so easily and then wake up and not go back to sleep and this is happeneing around 4:00 a.m. and ti is getting really old. It happened again this morning and I am just wanting to go back to bed and not get up but I have church and mom and dad's to go to so it is not going to happen.
I guess when I go back to see Dr. Lobel I need to tell him that this is going on too.

Really frustrated

2009-07-18T01:43:00.002-04:00

I am really frustrated this morning. I went to bed right at 11:00 and woke up at 1:00 and have just tossed and turned and am now playing on the computer to see if I can lull my self back to sleep. This is so frustrating that I could literally scream. My sinuses are now back in the same uproar that they were in when I went to see the doctor the other day and that frustrates me too. I was hungry so I got a little snack and that has helped my stomach calm down some too. Maybe I should not have drunk the soda I drank so late and did not even think about it and am going to go and take a Tylenol PM and see if it will knock me out like they normally do.
I will be really glad when all of this comes to a screeching halt and hopefully it will happpen soon.

Still waking up too early

2009-07-15T05:06:00.002-04:00

I am really frustrated because I am still waking up much earlier than I would like to. I am really sleepy when I am going to bed, but cannot seem to sleep past 4:00. I hate it but don't know what to do about it and that is what has gotten me really frustrated.
I am going to ride my bike or even get on the treadmill for just a few minutes this morning and see if that will help too and really watch what I am eating too. I think I have been eating too many carbohydrates, especially with refined sugar in them and that has had me really hungry because fo the blood sugar spikes.

A rough night

2009-07-10T07:12:00.001-04:00

I did not sleep well last night. I went to bed and crashed hard about 10:30 and about 2)) I woke up and went to the bathroom and was wide awake. I think I finally dozed back off around 5:00 while reading a book or finishing it up. I just feel fried this morning and I ahve things to do to take my mind off of today as well.
It is my 10th anniversary and this is going to be a hard day anyhow, so I will try and stay relatively busy.

Tired out

2009-07-08T12:25:00.003-04:00

I feel really tired out today. This sinus thing is definitely getting me down and I have had a bad sinus headache all day long. I just feel woozy and have a feeling that part of this is due to the Prozac as well.
I just feel like I have been running all week long and other than going to church tonight, I have no plans of doing anything and think that might be the best thing that I can do for myself right now too. It has been a very long four months and know that i am in the real grieving process right now and believe me, it hurts. I know that Friday is going to be one really hard day and i am so blessed to have the friends that Ihave in my life right now because they ahve been so sweet, loving and supportive and there is no amount of money on earth that can ever replace that too.
I know that in time, I will be just fine and know that God is with me and is right there beside me and that is the one consolation that I can totally take to the bank right now too.

Utterly exhausted this afternoon

2009-07-07T17:35:00.000-04:00

I am utterly exhausted this afternoon. I woke up around 2:30 and went to the bathroom and was hungry and got some cheese and then had a little trouble going back to sleep because I was wide awake and then finally got up at 6:00. I am just exhausted and ahve been gone all day long and am ready to stay home and just relax and read. I got my hair cut and it looks great and was supposed to have gotten a manicure too, but the lady doing it sat on her butt and that really made me mad, but what could i do about it? I am home now waiting on a pizza and am going to eat a couple of pieces of pizza and then relax and read for a while and just enjoy myself.
Yesterday was four months since I lost my precious angel and am glad I finally went to see the doctor as well and I know that it is too soon to see what the Porzac is doing and we will just go from there.

A long day

2009-07-06T17:37:00.002-04:00

It has been a really long day today and am glad I went ahead and went to the doctor. I did have a sinus infection and he gave me Amoxicillin for it as well as Prozac fro the depression I have been having. He was not surprised at all by the depression and I am glad I went ahead and went. I realize it is not going to make me feel better overnight, but will help int he long run and that is what I am looking for. he wants to see me in one month to see how well I am doing with it as well. I am just thankful that I recognized the fact aht i needed some sort of help and am getting it to make it through this part of the grieving process. I realize it is a process and the finality of everything ahs been really hard right now especially with our 10th anniversary being this Friday.
I know that God gave me my precious angel and He took her home for some unknown reason and that has been the hardest part because her love was unconditional and I am praying that I can find another lady that loves God and life as deeply as Suye did and of course she has to love dogs and kids too. I still am holding on to the dream fo the family that I feel like God gave me many years ago and know that I am still plenty young enough to have kids and that is exactly what I am praying for.
Mom and I went to lunch and then to the grocery store and let me tell you, after doing all of that, I am tired, but it has been a relatively good day there too.

Really down today

2009-07-03T15:14:00.003-04:00

I am really feeling down teary today. I think it is the fact that I am finally realizing that Sue is dead and that she is not coming back. I miss her so much and I think I am finally allowing myself to really grieve over her death. I really am tired of this house feeling so quiet and alone and really wish that I had someone here like her to share my life with. I know I should really be grateful for the time that we had together, but I just do not know how to put into words how badly I am hurting right now. I hear stuff on the radio and see people rthat are so much in love that it absolutely hurts to the point where I just don't want to do anything.
I realize now that i am depressed and am going to do something about it, and think that it is finally time to do something. I am sitting here just sobbing and think that is good too.
I am just so tired of existing and i am really grateful for the friends and family members who have so graciously taken me places and have let me just bear my soul to them as well.
I know that there was a reason somewhere for all of this, but I do not see it at all right now and just knowing that I don't makes me ask God to show me the way a little more clearly. I know I seem like I am rambling, but I don't imagine that matters too.

Kind of down

2009-07-01T15:10:00.004-04:00

I have been kind of down for the past few days. I think that much of it has to do with Sue's death and then some of it has to do with the crazy and hot weather that we have been having and my sinuses are torn up and maybe even infected.
I have just been down with no energy and have felt like doing nothing but sleeping and reading. I have finished up my last book on cd and may start reading something that is on my Victor Reader Stream as well. I have enjoyed reading more than I have realized even though I still love playing on the computer more than anything else.
I am going to my doctor on Monday to see about getting something for depression and we will just go from there. My friends andfamily have been extremely supportive and definitely understand why I am depressed and have encouraged me to go and get something even if it is something that I need temporarily.
I think it is time for help and right now since the death of my wife and the running around has finished up, I am just spent and the finality of it all has really come crashing down around me and it is time to do something.

A little down tonight

2009-06-20T22:06:00.000-04:00

I am feeling a little down tonight. After hearing Pastor Dave's message, I can realize that I have been trying to put up this great front that I am fine and if the truth really be known, many days I am not. I must admit that the good days now definitely outweigh the bad ones, but tomorrow is Father's Day and it is going to be hard looking at all of the Father's around me and not feeling really sad. I really miss my sweet Sue and miss the fact that even though we did not have kids, we were still a family and that is something that I really long to have. God gave me that dream several years ago and Sue and I never were able to have children of our own and were going to adopt, but that never happened too and I know that there was a reason for it too. I still want that family and know that I am still plenty young enough to have children and know that God has not takent hat dream away from me and will hold on to it until He does.
I am just donw because I am lonely and miss my angel.

The House is paid off

2009-06-19T06:56:00.002-04:00

I have finally gotten the house paid off. It is a great feeling to live in a paid for house. I ahve never known that feeling before. I just wish that we had decent public transportation that ran out here and that would make things even better, but you cannot have everything. I know that this was not the way I wanted to pay my house off, but I also know that this would be what Sue would have wanted me to do with the money and now it has been done and when the trailer closes hopefully next month, I will be singing one happy tune as well.
Chase should have the check today and then I should get the deed next week sometime and that is a great feeling.

Getting nervous

2009-06-16T12:15:00.001-04:00

I am getting a little nervous today. I am sitting here waiting on my mom to get to the house so that we can go to the bank and get a certified check to send to the mortgage company so that I can pay off the house. That will be a great feeling and it is not necessarily the way that i wanted to go about doing it, but I know that this is what Sue would have wanted me to do and am going to go ahead and do it.
I am really excited about the possibility of getting the trailer sold by the end of July as well and that will definitely take many burdens off of me as well, and I can definitely use that right now too.

I think I got my answer

2009-06-15T15:11:00.001-04:00

I really think I got my answer about Sunday church. It was so incredibly boring and it was like all of the life had been sucked out of the church. I was never so happy to leave anywhere in such a long time and Sue's mom and I both think that God is about to have to do something to the church because it is just lukewarm and God hates a lukewarm church.
I think I see now that it is time to abaondon ship. I love the people there and there answers to prayer happening, but I need to be fed and it is just not happeneing there and I have been praying for an answer and I may have just seen God answer my prayer in a real and mighty way.

Church was horrible

2009-06-14T13:42:00.001-04:00

This morning's church was horrible. I am tired of the boring old traditional junk. If we are going to have Sunday School times two, then it needs to be one service and not this two services stuff and all of the chit-chat that John is doing. I think that my mother-in-law has put her finger on the problema nd we are in a rut and are lukewarm and God is about to puke with us. It was so boring that I really had problems focusing on any kind of worship and if that is the way that it is going to be, then I really do not need to be there. It would be better off if I stayed in the bed if we are going to continue down this path that we have been heading.
I really am hungering for good Bible teaching instead of John using someone else's work and not preparing a thing. I do not know how long it is going to last with this stuff going the way that it is.
I am just wondering if this was the sign that I have been looking for and just need a break. I just do not feel the love and the presence of God like I feel at Chrysalis on Saturday night. There is a love for each other and a hungering and thirsting for God like I have not seen in quite some time and that is so awesome. It has definitely met the need in my life especially where I am right now and that is a great thing as well.

Really struggling with something

2009-06-14T08:10:00.002-04:00

I am really struggling with something ohter than Sue's death right now. I am involved in a small contemporary church on Saturday nights and love it, but have been going with Sue's mom to her church on Sunda mornings and am hating because it is just dead. The pastor is a great man and has the heart of a pastor, but his preaching leaves much to be desired. he just doesn't prepare and it is Sunday School times two and I am just not getting spiritually fed like I am on Saturday night.
I just do not really know what to do and am praying for an answer. Right now God has not given me clear direction on what to do and that frustrates me too. Like Pastor David, I hate not being in control of a situation and am having to trust God for the decisions I need to make.

Really struggling

2009-06-07T07:40:00.001-04:00

I am really struggling with what to do about Sunday church. I really love the people at Forest Lake, but there is nothing there spiritually. I ahve known the pastor for nearly 40 years now and he is a good man with a great heart and he loves people, but he has allowed the church to become stagnant and I am really frustrated with what to do. I love the Saturday night church I have been attending and am getting some opportunities to do ministry opportunites but with Forest Lake, I feel no spirit there at all.
I have been praying to see if it is my attitude or if it is indeed what is going on within the church and it definitely looks like it is the latter. I am really tired of the Sunday School times two and wish that John would let his daughter Joanna teach Sunday School and he would just preach during the worship time. I am sick and tired of all of the book studies he is doing because he just doesn't prepare and think he is taking the easy way out of pastoring a church and think he just needs to retire. It is very obvious to me that his focus is not on the church and on other things that he is involved in and that is just sad and wrong all at the same time.

Life insurance is here

2009-06-06T14:03:00.002-04:00

I got a knock on the door a little while ago and it was the mailman with a certified letter from the Budget and Control Board and that lets me know that the life insurance check I have been looking for is here. It makes things so final, but know that what I am going to do is what Sue would have wanted me to do and that is to pay the house off and that will give me some financial breathing room once the house is paid off and that will definitely happen by the end of the month. I now need to go to the bank and at least put the check into my savings account and then we will go and get a certified check and send it to the mortgage company with the account number and that will be great and even be better once the trailer closes in July as well. My brother called last night and we are going to transfer the insurance and the tag from the Subaru to the Trailblazer this week and then he will get the title from me and I will sign it over to him and then he is going to start making payments to me and that will be great. I really do not need a car right now and it will definitely fit his needs better than the Subaru right now. It has more space and can haul things where the Forrester is not large enough to pull a trailer let alone put more than two or three people in it let alone putting stuff with them in it too.
It is all so final, but am glad that everything is finally coming together and now I can move on with my life. I am fervently praying for a girlfriend now. I really want to share my life with someone of the female persuasion and I know that God has someone for me as well.

A little down right now

2009-06-05T15:48:00.002-04:00

I am just a little down right now. Roz from the school brought out all of Sue's personal stuff that she had in the classroom and that brings real closure and I guess because of that I am a little depressed right now. It makes it that much more final and it needed to be done and I greatly appreciate her coming all the way out here and bringing it, but it still hurts to see it all boxed up like that too.
I know it had to be done and I will see about hooking up the printer and seeing if it will work since the drivers on it should work better with this computer than the printer that I have had for so long too.
I have done pretty well today and even got the house vaccummed like it needed so desperately to be done too.

Kind of bored tonight

2009-06-04T18:57:00.002-04:00

I am just kind of bored and blah tonight. I am having real trouble shaking this feeling and feel like the walls are just falling in on me right now. I just do not feel like doing anything and I know that things need to get done. I guess I am going to have to call my PCP and see about him prescribing some anti-depressants. I am bored and feel blah. I am sure that it has to do with Sue's death and all of the being busy with the funeral and getting all of the business of the life insurance and all of the other paperwork finished and now I am finished and it seems like one huge let down and now I am just looking for life to go on andn would love to be dating someone right now too.
I want someone that loves me for who I am and will want to do things too. I don't need to spend a lot of money, just someone that enjoys life and will occasionally like to get out and do fun things. I enjoy just taking a ride or going to a movie or even dinner every now and then. This cooking for one person is a real drag and I know that God has someone in store for me, I am just looking for her right now too.

Still really tired

2009-06-03T21:46:00.001-04:00

I am still really tired out. I think I might be eating too much sugar and especially refined sugar and that leads to too many carbohydrates. I am sure I am a little depressed as well and know that a lot has gone on since Sue died and I am now coming back down to earth too. I took a Xanex that mom had brought over at one time and maybe that will chill me out. I have only wanted to eat and sleep and that is not necessarily good and I might even be talking to the doctor to see about prescribing me an anti-depressant for the time being because I really feel like I need something there too.
I am only exercising about three days a week right now just to give my body a break and I think that it desperately needs it too.

Things are finally straight

2009-06-02T23:12:00.003-04:00

Things are finally straight with school and I think that I am just drained from all of that drama as well as the mental exhaustion from Sue's death. I really cannot handle any more drama and found out that Sue's assistant lied to me about last Friday and that really hurts. I am not sure why it happened, but needless to say that it did and what she told me really pissed me off and then after talking to Roz, the CRT, I was saddened and hurt and just wonder what kind of agenda Cynthia has right now.
All of that is to say that the stress has really tired me out and I cannot stand any more drama like that and if someone comes up and tries to tell me about it, then I am going to have to say that I don't want to hear it. I have been extremely sleepy these last several days and I think that it is my body just telling me that I need to slow down and not dwell on any of this stuff. God has an amazing way of creating our bodies so that when we overload them, our system starts shutting down and when this happens, it is time for us to take things easy.
I started back exercising yesterday and am going to try and walk ont he treadmill some and then ride the bike some and am going to try and do this three days a week instead of what I was trying to do and that should give my body a little bit of a rest too.

Really upset today

2009-05-30T15:00:00.001-04:00

I am really upset today because I learned this afternoon that Sue's principal blocked her assistant from packing her belongings yesterday. Not only did that really anger me and royally piss me off, but it hurt me deeply and ahve taken steps to rectify this situation. I have just emailed the Superintendent of the school district and will be calling his office first thing Monday morning and expect some sort of response from him. I do not want to hear any garbage from the principal because she has done nothing but cause strife in that place and needs to be replaced. She is two faced and how does she know what is Sue's and what is not and I know that Cynthia does because they worked side by side for five years and by now Cynthia should really know what is and what is not and that even includes all of the school things that Sue bought with our money and not the school's.
I dare Ms. Brown to call me Monday after receiving the email because Ihave some things to tell her and if I have to, will get my personal lawyer involved and will file legal action if I deem it necessary and no one had better try stopping me because it is my money and theya re messing with my life as well.
It was a pretty good day until Cynthia called me and the funny thing is that the teacher that took Sue's place called her to come and help pack up on Monday because she is "overwhelmed." I think that is really funny and told Cynthia that she needed to go and help and pack the stuff up and if Brown orders her out, then leave, but since theya re not employing her for the summer, then to go for it and whatever she can pack up and get out, Brown will never know the difference and by then the full force of my email will probably have hit home and that will definitely be a good thing.

Feeling better today

2009-05-28T08:56:00.001-04:00

I am definitely feeling better today. I think I slept a little better last night and took yesterday off and will be basically doing the very same thing today. I think I just need the time off fromeverything since I have just run the past 11 1/2 weeks since Sue died and am going to get back into the routine either tomorrow or even as late as Monday.
I am going to read some more today and am listening to some great music I ahve ripped to my hard drive. I now have a nice computer with a great speaker system on it and it sounds great listening to the music I have here.
I will try and get some laundry done either today or tomorrow since I need some nice shirts for the weekend as well.

Really tired today

2009-05-27T17:48:00.002-04:00

I have been really tired today. I don't know if the past 11 weeks are catching up with me and just need the rest or if I have not been getting enough sleep at night and not taking a nap in the afternoon. I have been trying to eat better and there have been many days that I have not accomplished this at all.
I have taken the rest of the week off other than maybe doing some laundry on Saturday morning for just me. I started reading a book this morning and ahve read three of the 10 cd's that are in this book. I have enjoyed what I have read and am going to go to bed earlier or at least try to do that after we get home from church tonight.
I think that not only am I physically exhausted, but mentally and emotionally too. I have been running really hard since Sue died getting all of the stuff out of the house and sheds as well as getting all of the paperwork done and submitted and I think that has just taken a huge toll, so I am just going to do things for me for the next couple of days and then get back into my normal routine on Monday.

Not looking forward to this evening

2009-05-20T07:30:00.001-04:00

I am not looking forward to this evening when I will be attedning a memorial service for our mission coordinator. It has been jsut about 11 weeks since I laid Sue to rest and frankly I am not looking forward to a funeral service. I knwo that I need to go because of the friendship that we shared and how Tom and Debbie so supported me when Sue died, so I need to go and will be going and am sure that they will know that I am not really comfortable being there too.
I am fortunate because i will be going with one of our team members that I don't know as well as I would like to, but think we will have a good time traveling together and I am looking forward to that.

Feeling a little blah today

2009-05-19T15:03:00.002-04:00

I am feeling a little blah today. I don't know if it is thefact that I am going to my friend's memorial service tomorrow or the fact that I ate too much sugar and carbohydrates yesterday and am just dragging. It was one of those don't care days and I ate more junk than I should have and I think that got me into trouble. I do this to myself periodically and it alwyas gets me into trouble and has let me know that kind of sugar is definitely something that I desperately need to leave alone or at least just have a few bites of and leave it.
I am not looking forward to attending my friend's memorial service tomorrow. I know that I need to go because how well he supported Sue, me and the rest of our team and know I need to openly support his wife and the rest of his family. It has only been a little over 10 weeks since I laid Sue to rest and this is going to be really hard, but it needs to be done too. I think once the service gets dgoing, I will be all right and will make it through. One of our team members is going to come and pick me up and I am definitely looking forward to riding with Charles and getting to know him better too and will enjoy that and I have a feeling that Major will enjoy the trip too. He travles well and will be a great help too.

The grave marker is down

2009-05-11T21:49:00.002-04:00

I got a call this afternoon from the cemetery telling me that the grave marker was laid down this morning and I ahve real mixed feelings. I feel like I really need to go and see it but don't want to see it if that makes any sense at all. I know that it is the finality of the thing and I know that Sue is not there but it is her resting place too and I am trying to preserve her memory to the best of my ability and I need to at least go there on occasions.
I am going to get the cemetery to place flowers for me and just bill it to the credit card and that will work and then I won't have to go and find them. If they will put a spring bouqet that is mostly pink will really work. She loved roses and pink was her favorite. I really do miss her and just have a problem not wanting to go by the grave as well.

Feeling a little blah tonight

2009-05-09T22:13:00.002-04:00

I am feeling just a little blah tonight. I am tired and a little disappointed that my brother won't be down until tomorrow evening, but we will get by too. I know that tomorrow is Mother's Day and i am sure that has a lot to do with it too. I am sure that Sue's mom is going to have a really hard day too especially since she lost her daughter, son and husband all in the space of two years. I know how hard it has been losing Sue and can only imnagine what she has been through.
I am looking forward to spending time tomorrow at my parents house and that will be good too and my sister is providing dinner, and she can really cook like I cannot.
I know that she enjoyes it where I just do it to get by, even though I now have the new stove that I have not tried yet and if I can get my but going in the morning early enough, I am going to try and make a pot of grits. I have some really great stone ground grits and they are great cooked on the stove. I have some sausage dogs in the refrigerator or I have some chicken strips in the freezer that would be good too. I think I will get some eggs the next time I am in the store so I can have grits and eggs, what a great combination.

A great memory

2009-05-07T16:00:00.000-04:00

I had a great memory surface this morning. I was scanning the dial here this morning and when I scanned across WMHK, I heard I will Be Here by Steven Curtis Chapman. Now you have to understand taht this was mine and Sue's song and I sang it to her as I put her ring on her hand in our wedding nearly ten years ago. I smiled as I remembered how great it was and how much she enjoyed it and cried all at the very same time. It was a great memory and if I am married again, I will find something suitable for me and my new bride and make those memories as well.

Two months today

2009-05-06T07:21:00.000-04:00

It has been two months exactly since I lost my beloved Sue. In many ways it still seems like yesterday and then in some senses, it seems like an eternity. I will always love her and will always cherish and preserve her memory, but things are getting easier on most days, even though I still have my moments and always will.
I am going to take care of the life insurance to the bank today and take care of the cemetery as well and in the next few days, the grave marker will be laid down and I know that I have to see it, even though I really do not want to see it. I am not planning on going to church at all on Sunday and that is just fine with me because it is Mother's Day and I know that my mother-in-law is grieving too and I just cannot handle going to church this year on Mother's Day and also know that God definitely understands as well.

Frustrated with the insurance

2009-05-05T09:22:00.001-04:00

I am a little frustrated with the insurance company. I got two checks last week and one did not take out for the cemetery, so now I am going to have to go and deposti the checks and then wait for them to clear and post to my account and then give the cemetery a check before they will lay the marker down on Sue's grave. I spent a bit of time yesterday afternoon tracking stuff down and the last of the checks will come from the retirement system and we still have one more thing to send them before I get that check, so the maze of paperwork goes on. I am really ready for all of this to be over and done with and am just tired out. I really need to stay busy and am planning on going to exercise for a little bit before I even start my laundry that I need to do, but don't want to do it too.
I guess I am a little unmotivated and I am sure that this goes with the territory too, what a pain in the rear end.

Frustrated with church

2009-05-03T17:50:00.002-04:00

I am really frustrated with church at Forest Lake. I dearly love the people and John has a pastor's heart, but the sermons are leaving me lacking and the spirit of God has left the place and I just don't know what to do about it. I am frustrated enough not to go anymore and was bored out of my mind this morning. It is like John won't prepare and just rambles. Sue and I left the church shortly after we got married because there was nothing there for us and we were not getting fed at all and I am loving Chrysalis so much and am really getting fed spiritually there and that is really important to me at this point in my life right now. I need the fellowship of people closer to my age and also need the spiritual feeding that I have been getting from David in his messages that I know that he is really agonizing and praying over as well. I love his spirit and his vision for the church and Forest Lake seems to have that same old church mentality and that is really sad because that kind of attitude really just drives people away rather than keeping or drawing them to the church.