I am feeling froggy this morning. I went to bed right at 11:00 and got up at 5:15 and went to the bathroom because my bladder was about to bust and have been up since then. I would have thought that the caffeine from the coffee would have kicked in by now and I guess that the stress of everything going on with dad is really catching up to me now. I am getting ready to go to church and then out to mom and dad's. I ahve not heard how he is doing this morning but am still really concerned and am really frustrated with mom right now too and that may be adding to the emotional stress.
I realize that she is doing the best that she can, but there are times that she is frankly being a martyr and if daddy really knew what she was doing to herself, he would be horrendously upset with her and would tell her so.
I am hoping that Sunday School will be good because the church frankly is dead and I need a break but don't think I can really do something until dad passes away and then I will look for a larger church that has some sort of singles ministry as well. I feel like it needs to be something relatively close as well, so we will just wait and see.
3/18/10
Feeling really stressed
I am feeling really stressed out this morning. I think that much of it is coming from my family. This past year has not been an easy one, but it is what it is. Between Sue dying, dad being so incredibly ill and this stupid blood clot, I am emotionally stressed out.
I would love to see my mother give dad permission to die because I dread going out to the house and am only doing it for him. I would have a really hard time forgiving myself if I did not take every opportunity I ahve to go and see him. It is really hard since I do not and cannot drive, so when someone can take me, I go. I know that he is going to die soon because his poor body is just shutting down and mom is absolutely driving us all nuts. I realize that they have been married to each other for over half of their lives and are so co-dependent on each other that it scares me at times. She is living in a fantasy world right now and needs to give him permission to go ahead and die whether or not it happens soon or no. I really think that he is waiting on her to do that and just wish that she would actually live her faith instead of the Pollyanna world that I am hearing come out of her mouth. am so sick and tired of the churchese and the Christianese that I could litterally throw up. I feel like it is being shoved down my throat and not really being lived like it is being claimed to be and it just makes me want to say shut up and get over it. I am also to the point where I do not want to go to church because I hear the same thing where I have been going and it is like a social club instead of a spiritual church, and I can deal with that just watching ESPN and drinkingmy coffee as well.
I just do not know what to do and am sick and tired of feeling stresseed. My dietician let me spill this morning and I desperately needed that. I realize that much of my eating this past year has been emotional and am working really hard to eat when I am truly hungry and to keep my protein up. I am really starting to revamp my thinking with the treadmill as well. It has really kicked my butt and the way that I walked on it this morning truly helped. I went 12 minutes on a fairly slow pace and found my self going faster than I thought I would. I guess I am trying to push things and not just going with the flow. I have been trying that on the bike and am trying to alternate days when riding and walking. I think that will serve me well and am not going to spend hours at atime like some people have been known to do, but it keeps me staying active and healthy and I may lose the weight I ganed in the process.
I would love to see my mother give dad permission to die because I dread going out to the house and am only doing it for him. I would have a really hard time forgiving myself if I did not take every opportunity I ahve to go and see him. It is really hard since I do not and cannot drive, so when someone can take me, I go. I know that he is going to die soon because his poor body is just shutting down and mom is absolutely driving us all nuts. I realize that they have been married to each other for over half of their lives and are so co-dependent on each other that it scares me at times. She is living in a fantasy world right now and needs to give him permission to go ahead and die whether or not it happens soon or no. I really think that he is waiting on her to do that and just wish that she would actually live her faith instead of the Pollyanna world that I am hearing come out of her mouth. am so sick and tired of the churchese and the Christianese that I could litterally throw up. I feel like it is being shoved down my throat and not really being lived like it is being claimed to be and it just makes me want to say shut up and get over it. I am also to the point where I do not want to go to church because I hear the same thing where I have been going and it is like a social club instead of a spiritual church, and I can deal with that just watching ESPN and drinkingmy coffee as well.
I just do not know what to do and am sick and tired of feeling stresseed. My dietician let me spill this morning and I desperately needed that. I realize that much of my eating this past year has been emotional and am working really hard to eat when I am truly hungry and to keep my protein up. I am really starting to revamp my thinking with the treadmill as well. It has really kicked my butt and the way that I walked on it this morning truly helped. I went 12 minutes on a fairly slow pace and found my self going faster than I thought I would. I guess I am trying to push things and not just going with the flow. I have been trying that on the bike and am trying to alternate days when riding and walking. I think that will serve me well and am not going to spend hours at atime like some people have been known to do, but it keeps me staying active and healthy and I may lose the weight I ganed in the process.
3/14/10
Really tired
I am just wonr out this evening. First of all I hate the new time change and ams ure it will take my body several days to get used to this, but think more importantly, I am just emotionally drained. I went back out to mom and dad's today and dad is nobetter and just wish that mom would tell him that it is ok for him to go ahead and die. He is suffering so badly and in some ways I don't think that mom sees it at all.
Between dad not doing well and celebrating Sue's death last weekend, I am emotionally and physically drained and am begging God for the roller coaster to go ahead and end. I am also struggling with what to do about church because John is just not feeding any of us and I am longing for something more than that is there and just don't know what to do about it and am afraid that I am going to hurt feelings, but see no way around it because I have got to start getting fed or there is no reason to go to church, and I don't like that attitude because I need the fellowship and the teaching from the Bible, so who knows what is going on.
I miss my wife and wish that she was here with me to share all of the pain of what seems to be going on with dad. I am sure that I am looking for someone to share my love and life with and just have not seen that too.
Between dad not doing well and celebrating Sue's death last weekend, I am emotionally and physically drained and am begging God for the roller coaster to go ahead and end. I am also struggling with what to do about church because John is just not feeding any of us and I am longing for something more than that is there and just don't know what to do about it and am afraid that I am going to hurt feelings, but see no way around it because I have got to start getting fed or there is no reason to go to church, and I don't like that attitude because I need the fellowship and the teaching from the Bible, so who knows what is going on.
I miss my wife and wish that she was here with me to share all of the pain of what seems to be going on with dad. I am sure that I am looking for someone to share my love and life with and just have not seen that too.
3/13/10
Kind of blah
For some odd reason I feel kind of blah today. It just seems so still and quiet in the house like there is no life here and am not really sure what to do about it. Not much worth watching on tv or on email as well, so we will see what we can get into. I hear the wind really whipping outside of the house and that lets me know that it would not be that great of an idea to go for a walk.
I started my exercise routine back this week and it has tired me out, but definitely feel better getting back into the swing of it as well.
I started my exercise routine back this week and it has tired me out, but definitely feel better getting back into the swing of it as well.
3/12/10
Finally got in a ride
I finally got in a ride on my Recumbant bike this morning. I really hope I did not ride too long because my knee has really ached ever since I got off of it. I rode for 24 minutes and maybe should have gotten off at either 16 or 20. I may walk a little on the treadmill tomorrow or I might just wait until Monday and ride again but not for quite as long this time.
It really feels great to start exercising again. I did not realize how much I has missed it and basically I feel like I am starting all over again especially when it comes to the treadmill. I am sure that in time, I will be back to where I was and amybe even more. I was just bored and needed to start doing something.
It really feels great to start exercising again. I did not realize how much I has missed it and basically I feel like I am starting all over again especially when it comes to the treadmill. I am sure that in time, I will be back to where I was and amybe even more. I was just bored and needed to start doing something.
3/10/10
I feel a little better today
I feel a little bit better today. I think I did sleep a little better and am still somewhat feeling run over but am thinking that this goes with the territory as well. I think that my mother-in-law put her finger on the fact that even though I had been sleeping, I was not really resting and ahve still too many emotions running through my head and system.
I am hoping that things are better out at the house with my dad and hopefully mom was able to get someone to stay with dad and help him during the day. The man she hired did not even show yesterday and I know that really had to be frustrating for her as well.
I am hoping that as things go on, they will even be better than they have been. I know that getting through this first year was the hardest part and we definitely survived that and that is a good things as well.
I am hoping that things are better out at the house with my dad and hopefully mom was able to get someone to stay with dad and help him during the day. The man she hired did not even show yesterday and I know that really had to be frustrating for her as well.
I am hoping that as things go on, they will even be better than they have been. I know that getting through this first year was the hardest part and we definitely survived that and that is a good things as well.
3/9/10
Out of gas
For some odd reason I just feel like I have run out of gas. I would dearly love to go and get on the treadmill, but the Coumedin and nurse and my dietician don't want me to until the Coumedin level is more consistent. I guess I am just bored and a little sleepy all at the same time. I could definitely go and do laundry, but I would have to get up the energy first and right now I just don't feel like taking care of it, even though it desperately needs to get done.
I was going to do it this past Saturday, but my family made sure I was out of the house since it was the anniversary of Sue's death and that might have been a really good thing in the long run.
I was going to do it this past Saturday, but my family made sure I was out of the house since it was the anniversary of Sue's death and that might have been a really good thing in the long run.
3/6/10
One Year Today
I cannot believe that it has been one year since Sue passed away on me around 6:30 in the morning. I still remember tripping on her leg that was out in the bedroom and trying to make her respond to me not even having a clue that she was already dead. I still remember the awesome paramedics that came here to the house and made me talk about her while we were waiting on the coroner to arrive and how comforting that was.
I will never forget that smile and how she love me and everyone and everything unconditionally and her love for kids and teaching them. I ahve never seen anyone that could deal with kids like Sue could and wherever we were whether at church, on a Lay Witness Mission or even int he store: she related to them so well. It was such a gift that I was envious of because I will never have that. I miss her giving me a hard time and her snoring and waking me up in the middle of the night snoring and me rubbing and patting her back and butt to get her to shut up so that I could get back to sleep.
The house is definitely quieter now and definitely misses her touch because we men just don't have that touch either. I know that this is going to be a hard day but will always remember my precious angel that brought life and laughter to me.
Heaven has to be a brighter place because of her love and her smile.
I will never forget that smile and how she love me and everyone and everything unconditionally and her love for kids and teaching them. I ahve never seen anyone that could deal with kids like Sue could and wherever we were whether at church, on a Lay Witness Mission or even int he store: she related to them so well. It was such a gift that I was envious of because I will never have that. I miss her giving me a hard time and her snoring and waking me up in the middle of the night snoring and me rubbing and patting her back and butt to get her to shut up so that I could get back to sleep.
The house is definitely quieter now and definitely misses her touch because we men just don't have that touch either. I know that this is going to be a hard day but will always remember my precious angel that brought life and laughter to me.
Heaven has to be a brighter place because of her love and her smile.
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