Frustrated tonight

I am really frustrated tonight. I laid down with a book to put me to sleep like they normally do and am wide awake. I took the Melatonein and am still very much wide awake and do not like it. I am planning on refilling my Ambian as early as I can in the morning and seeing if a friend of mine can go and pick it up for me. This is crazy and I really thought I was ready to go to bed and now that I ahve gone, sleep will not come and that just frustrates the heck out of me as well.
I am definitely planning on calling Kathy my counselor first thing in the mroning and am tempted to call her tonight and leave her a message on her phone so that she will see it when she comes in in the mroning to see if she can give me some really good avice.
I know God knows what is going on and has won the victory but am so tired of all of this and am really ready for the roller coaster to be all over and done with and I really need to be rested when the field representative from the school comes on Thursday as well.


Feeling blah

I feel really wiped out and blah today. I feel like I did right after Sue died and do not like that feeling at all. I am sleepy and feel like someone beat me up and have done nothing other than been through tremendous trauma over the past nearly 16 months. I almost wonder if I am really in depression and don't really realize it. I miss Sue so much and would love to be in a healthy dating relationship but the ones I have seen other than maybe my friend Tracy are unhealthy and would take me downa a path that think would lead me to deeper depression than I am already feeling and really do not need to go anywhere near there.
I am nervous and scared about starting grief counseling tomorrow. I think it is the fear of talking to someone that I have never met other than talking to them on the phone and sharing me with them and seeing if they can help me, it will definitely be interesting and hopefully can really help as well.


I think I have been depressed

I came to the realization this afternoon that I think I have been more depressed more than I would have ever admitted to. I know that death of my dad coupled with the death of Sue last year has really done something to me and God really revealed that to me today. I am still seeking the fellowship of a lady and started talking to someone last night that I could fall in love with. Dana is still young enough to have children and she is looking for someone who is a Christian and just wants to be loved like I want and need to be loved and that is for who she is and not what she can become. It is a shame that she lives in Richmond, but that can be worked around as well if it is meant to be and God is in it.
I talked to her for over an hour last night and we both shared with each other via email that we were people that we wanted to get to know better and that made me really happy and think it made her as happy. I do not care if who I date or marry is blind or not, I just want to share me with a Christian lady who loves me and loves God and then loves life as well.
I have really missed not only being married but being able to share me with someone and when life has been hard just to be able to hold that person in my arms as well. It will be interesting to see where God is not only taking this relationship but me as well.