Hurting tonight

I am hurting tonight. My leg has been hurting all day long and this is getting really old. I am really trying to be patient waiting on the doctor's office to call with the referral appointment. I don't care what they do at this point and that includes putting me in a body cast after surgery just to get some relief. I am frustrated because I don't feel like doing anything. I have laundry that needs attention and a few dishes that need washing as well. My friend Kim is supposed to be here tomorrow, but have no idea what time because she has not called or emailed me yet and that is hrribly frustrating as well.
She told me she would call me some time today and ahve not ehard anything and think that is kind of rude. With my luck it will be after I get in the be which won't be anytime soon and guess I just need the time to myself this evening.


Vry frustrated

I am frustrated right now. I told mom if we wanted to get lunch before my MRI appointment, then she needed to be here at 11:30 and it is nearly that now and called her on her phone but have not heard back from her. I don't knwo if she is on the phone with someone else or if her phone is not receiving calls well, and that could be very possible sice we are both on Verizon at the moment. I know I need to be at the hospital around 12:30 for the paperwork and then ahve the MRI at 1:00 and would really like to get a bite to eat before it starts. Hopefully I will be hearing from her in the next few minutes.


Counseling is over

I am finally done with the grief counseling, but must say it was a good experience. I am really fortunate to ahve had such a nice lady that was such a strong Christian but never shoved her Christianity down my throat. It has really given me the perspective that I so badly needed and know that last year this time I would not have been ready or receptive to it as well.
I am tired tonight and my leg is really hurting. I cannot wait until I have the MRI done and find out how bad things really are in my back. I am sure that the experience of the MIR is not necessarily going to be fun, but that is ok too.


My heart is heavy

My heart is really heavy this morning for a friend of mine. Linda and Paul have been taking me to church since they live near me for several months now and I found out late yesterday afternoon that Paul had a fatal heart attack while taking a nap. This really makes me sad because I know that Linda is going through many of the same emotions I went through when Sue died 18 months ago, and believe you me, it is still way to fresh in my memory and always will be, and I guess that helps me to minister more to those who are hurting like she is.
I know that Paul is in Heaven and even though he could be a jerk, at least we are comforted in the fact that he is with our Lord and is no longer hurting from all of the heart conditions he was dealing with as well.
It is really nice to be able to minister to others that are going through what you have already gone through too.


Really tired out

I am really tired out tonight. Counseling was really good this morning but it took a lot out of me and that is agood and bad all at the very same time. We were dealing with feelings after a spouse dies and I think I really opened up more than I thought I did and I am emotionally wrung out tonight, but it is a good feeling instead of a bad feeling.
I don't know how much longer I will go, but right now it has been a good thing and as long as my insurance will pay for it, then why not? I really like my counselor and that is all part of it.
I am gearing up to leave a week from Monday and that will be fun too.


Woke up too early

I just don't understand this waking up too early. Last night was the second night in a row I had not used the Ambian to get to sleep and I guess it is just taking some time to really accomplish, but I guess my mistake was after getting up to go to the bathroom, I went to get a piece of cheese and maybe I hsould have just gone back to bed without going into the kitchen. I basically tossed and turned until 4:30 and ahve been up since. It is very frustrating and am sure i will be talking a nap this afternoon. I may take one this evening and then not take one tomorrow night so we will just have to wait and see.


Paperwork about complete

I just got great news. The permit from the Bahamian Department of Agriculture was faxed the my vet's office on Friday and now all we ahve to do is to go and get the International Health Certificate and I will do that on the 2nd. I cannot believe it is all coming together so nice and quickly. I am so excited and am ready to go, now all I ahve to do is pack.
It has been a good summer and the coundeling has given me real perspective on life and that is a great thing too. I am now praying what to do about church and think that since I have reliable transportation and am getting good Biblical teaching just to continue to go to First Pres. I realize I need to assert my own identity but I know the teaching I am receiving at First Pres is solid and I need that kind of solid teaching. I may never be totally comfortable there and may always feel a little out of place as a person in such a large church, but I know it is growing and know that families are being ministered to and that is the name of the game as far as I am concerned.
I am now kind of looking forward to the Enquirers class that will start the day after i get home from the Caribbean and that will be good too.


I hope it is cold in church today

I really hope that it is cold in church today. I just too Major out and the humidity is almost unbearable. I was so happy just to walk back in the house and we desperately need rain, but we also need a break from the humidity as well. I certainly hope it is not this bad in the Bahamas as well or we will be staying as close to the air conditioning as possible.
I am looking forward to a good day. Dr. Ferguson is back from his vacation but am still looking for my own church and not necessarily First Pres. I guess I am not Presbyterian enough so we will see.


A frustrating morning

I am really frustrated this morning. A lady on a blind singles list I am on called to vent and this person is so high maintenance that it is not even funny. Everytime I went to say something, she just bullied her way and talked over me. If she calls again and does this, I am just going to have to ask er to let me in the conversation or not call me back. I feel like I ahve been hit with a sledge hammer and it is not even 10:00 yet.
I know that she was accused of being rude on a conference call and if she acted there like she did to me this morning, I would have to concur with that assessement. I finally had to tell her that I had to go because I had laundry to get in the washing machine and needed two hands. It worked out perfectly because I missed things that had to be washed and was happy to have gotten off of the phone and set up the talking caller I.D. in case she calls back and it will even tell me who is beeping me on my call waiting. I am almost getting to the point where I don't answer the call waiting. I hate that stuff and it is a real pain.
I feel tired already and I am trying to get laundry done and guess I need to go and get some work in the kitchen done.
I wasn't going to get on the bike or treadmill, but at this point it might take away some of the stress I am feeling right now.


Really frustrated tonight

I am really frustrated tonight. I have been trying something that my doctor recommended and it is not working like I would have thought it would have. He told me to cut the Ambian tablets in half and take it for seven days and then take Metellolen and that is not working. I tossed and turned for about one hour, so got up and took a full tablet and it is beginning to work.
I am just hoping that I am not getting addicted to this drug, but it is the only thing that has helped me sleep since Sue died last year and plan on talking to Kathy about it in the morning when I have my counseling session with her. I really like her and she has given me real perspective on my life and that is a great thing and am hoping that talking about this to her will work too so we will wait and see.


Less than six weeks

Less than six weeks now until I sail for the Carribean. I have been looking forward to this since October and cannot wait to go.
It is something I have never done before and am looking at it like a big adventure and that will be fun. Of course Major will be going withme and would never even think about doing something like this without my boy, so it shouldbe fun.
Counseling seems to be going well and has given me a good perspective on my grief and life in general and for that I am thankful too.


Feeling better

I am beginning to feel better. I really think that the grief counseling is giving me perspective on things and that is great. I think I ahve needed it and I really do like Kathy my counselor because she is so easy to talk to and is so non-judgmental; and that is what i need.
I have no idea how much longer I will need her services, but know that she is there when I need her and that is a great thing too.


Frustrated tonight

I am really frustrated tonight. I laid down with a book to put me to sleep like they normally do and am wide awake. I took the Melatonein and am still very much wide awake and do not like it. I am planning on refilling my Ambian as early as I can in the morning and seeing if a friend of mine can go and pick it up for me. This is crazy and I really thought I was ready to go to bed and now that I ahve gone, sleep will not come and that just frustrates the heck out of me as well.
I am definitely planning on calling Kathy my counselor first thing in the mroning and am tempted to call her tonight and leave her a message on her phone so that she will see it when she comes in in the mroning to see if she can give me some really good avice.
I know God knows what is going on and has won the victory but am so tired of all of this and am really ready for the roller coaster to be all over and done with and I really need to be rested when the field representative from the school comes on Thursday as well.


Feeling blah

I feel really wiped out and blah today. I feel like I did right after Sue died and do not like that feeling at all. I am sleepy and feel like someone beat me up and have done nothing other than been through tremendous trauma over the past nearly 16 months. I almost wonder if I am really in depression and don't really realize it. I miss Sue so much and would love to be in a healthy dating relationship but the ones I have seen other than maybe my friend Tracy are unhealthy and would take me downa a path that think would lead me to deeper depression than I am already feeling and really do not need to go anywhere near there.
I am nervous and scared about starting grief counseling tomorrow. I think it is the fear of talking to someone that I have never met other than talking to them on the phone and sharing me with them and seeing if they can help me, it will definitely be interesting and hopefully can really help as well.


I think I have been depressed

I came to the realization this afternoon that I think I have been more depressed more than I would have ever admitted to. I know that death of my dad coupled with the death of Sue last year has really done something to me and God really revealed that to me today. I am still seeking the fellowship of a lady and started talking to someone last night that I could fall in love with. Dana is still young enough to have children and she is looking for someone who is a Christian and just wants to be loved like I want and need to be loved and that is for who she is and not what she can become. It is a shame that she lives in Richmond, but that can be worked around as well if it is meant to be and God is in it.
I talked to her for over an hour last night and we both shared with each other via email that we were people that we wanted to get to know better and that made me really happy and think it made her as happy. I do not care if who I date or marry is blind or not, I just want to share me with a Christian lady who loves me and loves God and then loves life as well.
I have really missed not only being married but being able to share me with someone and when life has been hard just to be able to hold that person in my arms as well. It will be interesting to see where God is not only taking this relationship but me as well.


Bored today

For some odd reason I seem bored today. I got up, drank coffe and even exercised; but seem blah feeling and cannot necessarily understand why that is. Last night was so much fun at church and really wished that I had had someone that I could have shared it with and maybe that is where my head is this morning. I ahve been praying that God send me a wife to let me continue sharing my life with. I know that I will never have another Sue and I really do not want another Sue, but someone that will love me for who I am and one that loves Christ and lvoes life as well.
Nothing much on tap for the day and that might be good and will be getting laundry done tomorrow so I can pack on Monday so we can go to the mountains. I was really hoping to wait and do laundry on Monday and may still do it.
I will just hang out and watch NASCAR all weekend.


Felling blah tonight

I am just feeling kind of blah tonight and I am not sure why. It has been one month since daddy died and that might be part of it. It seems overly quiet here in the house and actually very lonely in the house tonight. Seeing mom hurt makes me miss my sweet Sue that much more and sometimes like mom, I almost cannot sand it. I am so fortunate to have such great firends and family that have kept me going and am so thankful that I am in the church that I am in right now because I am getting the spiritual meat from the Word that i ahve been craving for so long now. I guess I am having my own little pity party and in some ways I just need to get over it but it is really hard to do some days as well.


Really bored tonight

I am really bored tonight and am not really sure why other than the fact it is Friday and had no where to go. I know I could have done laundry but did not really feel like messing with even though I am going to have to in the morning because my favorite sports shirt that i wear to church needs to be washed so I can wear it on Sunday.
I have theNationwide race on but have paid little attention to it and that is unusual and just wish that Sue were here, but can do ntohing about that too.
I have really been praying for a girlfriend and that would be great for someone to share my life with and do things with as well and maybe in time God will send that someone that will fill my life.


Beginning to feel better

I believe I am beginning to feel better. I have been exercising more consistently and have been trying to keep my protein up and eat, but eat less at any one time and think that is helping my physical and emotional health. These past few weeks have been torturous on the entire family and it is going to take some real time, but think I am starting to come out of it all. Losing dad felt too much like when I lost Sue, but now that time is passing and i am doing things to not only keep busy, but improve my emotional state and mental state it is really helping.
I enjoy exercising and am doing all of this for me. Call it selfish, but if I don't take care of me, no one is going to to and I have to love me before I can love God or anyone else and cannot help anyone else if I don't love and take care of Lin first. I think as Christians we are sold a bill of goods by feeling and teaching like we have to love ourselves last, because if I don't love the Lin that God created, then how can I love Him or anybody else; I cannot.


Really tired this morning

I am just tired out this morning and feel like doing nothing at all. I think all of the events from dad's passing and subsequent funeral this week have left me just emotionally drained and feeling a little overwhelmed like I did after Sue died. I guess as much as I don't want to admit it, a part of me died when my daddy did and am having to come to grips with this.
I am going to church in the morning with mom and am not looking forward to getting up as early to go to the early service, but this si the service she enjoys and told her that it was her call and I would definitely go with her. I am in the process right now of looking for a new church home and am waiting to hear from some friends of friends who are supposed to be contacting me about going to a new church over near where I used to live and am really excited about it because I have been listening to some of the sermons from there and it is good stuff and ahve heard really great things about the church. I have decided that if I have not heard anything by the middle of the week, I will give the church a call to see about getting transportation. Surely there is someone that lives near me that could give Major and me transportation to the church.
I think if I go and get on my bike here shortly and ride for a little bit that might help me get a little more motivated as well.


Feeling groggy this morning

I am feeling froggy this morning. I went to bed right at 11:00 and got up at 5:15 and went to the bathroom because my bladder was about to bust and have been up since then. I would have thought that the caffeine from the coffee would have kicked in by now and I guess that the stress of everything going on with dad is really catching up to me now. I am getting ready to go to church and then out to mom and dad's. I ahve not heard how he is doing this morning but am still really concerned and am really frustrated with mom right now too and that may be adding to the emotional stress.
I realize that she is doing the best that she can, but there are times that she is frankly being a martyr and if daddy really knew what she was doing to herself, he would be horrendously upset with her and would tell her so.
I am hoping that Sunday School will be good because the church frankly is dead and I need a break but don't think I can really do something until dad passes away and then I will look for a larger church that has some sort of singles ministry as well. I feel like it needs to be something relatively close as well, so we will just wait and see.


Feeling really stressed

I am feeling really stressed out this morning. I think that much of it is coming from my family. This past year has not been an easy one, but it is what it is. Between Sue dying, dad being so incredibly ill and this stupid blood clot, I am emotionally stressed out.
I would love to see my mother give dad permission to die because I dread going out to the house and am only doing it for him. I would have a really hard time forgiving myself if I did not take every opportunity I ahve to go and see him. It is really hard since I do not and cannot drive, so when someone can take me, I go. I know that he is going to die soon because his poor body is just shutting down and mom is absolutely driving us all nuts. I realize that they have been married to each other for over half of their lives and are so co-dependent on each other that it scares me at times. She is living in a fantasy world right now and needs to give him permission to go ahead and die whether or not it happens soon or no. I really think that he is waiting on her to do that and just wish that she would actually live her faith instead of the Pollyanna world that I am hearing come out of her mouth. am so sick and tired of the churchese and the Christianese that I could litterally throw up. I feel like it is being shoved down my throat and not really being lived like it is being claimed to be and it just makes me want to say shut up and get over it. I am also to the point where I do not want to go to church because I hear the same thing where I have been going and it is like a social club instead of a spiritual church, and I can deal with that just watching ESPN and drinkingmy coffee as well.
I just do not know what to do and am sick and tired of feeling stresseed. My dietician let me spill this morning and I desperately needed that. I realize that much of my eating this past year has been emotional and am working really hard to eat when I am truly hungry and to keep my protein up. I am really starting to revamp my thinking with the treadmill as well. It has really kicked my butt and the way that I walked on it this morning truly helped. I went 12 minutes on a fairly slow pace and found my self going faster than I thought I would. I guess I am trying to push things and not just going with the flow. I have been trying that on the bike and am trying to alternate days when riding and walking. I think that will serve me well and am not going to spend hours at atime like some people have been known to do, but it keeps me staying active and healthy and I may lose the weight I ganed in the process.


Really tired

I am just wonr out this evening. First of all I hate the new time change and ams ure it will take my body several days to get used to this, but think more importantly, I am just emotionally drained. I went back out to mom and dad's today and dad is nobetter and just wish that mom would tell him that it is ok for him to go ahead and die. He is suffering so badly and in some ways I don't think that mom sees it at all.
Between dad not doing well and celebrating Sue's death last weekend, I am emotionally and physically drained and am begging God for the roller coaster to go ahead and end. I am also struggling with what to do about church because John is just not feeding any of us and I am longing for something more than that is there and just don't know what to do about it and am afraid that I am going to hurt feelings, but see no way around it because I have got to start getting fed or there is no reason to go to church, and I don't like that attitude because I need the fellowship and the teaching from the Bible, so who knows what is going on.
I miss my wife and wish that she was here with me to share all of the pain of what seems to be going on with dad. I am sure that I am looking for someone to share my love and life with and just have not seen that too.


Kind of blah

For some odd reason I feel kind of blah today. It just seems so still and quiet in the house like there is no life here and am not really sure what to do about it. Not much worth watching on tv or on email as well, so we will see what we can get into. I hear the wind really whipping outside of the house and that lets me know that it would not be that great of an idea to go for a walk.
I started my exercise routine back this week and it has tired me out, but definitely feel better getting back into the swing of it as well.


Finally got in a ride

I finally got in a ride on my Recumbant bike this morning. I really hope I did not ride too long because my knee has really ached ever since I got off of it. I rode for 24 minutes and maybe should have gotten off at either 16 or 20. I may walk a little on the treadmill tomorrow or I might just wait until Monday and ride again but not for quite as long this time.
It really feels great to start exercising again. I did not realize how much I has missed it and basically I feel like I am starting all over again especially when it comes to the treadmill. I am sure that in time, I will be back to where I was and amybe even more. I was just bored and needed to start doing something.


I feel a little better today

I feel a little bit better today. I think I did sleep a little better and am still somewhat feeling run over but am thinking that this goes with the territory as well. I think that my mother-in-law put her finger on the fact that even though I had been sleeping, I was not really resting and ahve still too many emotions running through my head and system.
I am hoping that things are better out at the house with my dad and hopefully mom was able to get someone to stay with dad and help him during the day. The man she hired did not even show yesterday and I know that really had to be frustrating for her as well.
I am hoping that as things go on, they will even be better than they have been. I know that getting through this first year was the hardest part and we definitely survived that and that is a good things as well.


Out of gas

For some odd reason I just feel like I have run out of gas. I would dearly love to go and get on the treadmill, but the Coumedin and nurse and my dietician don't want me to until the Coumedin level is more consistent. I guess I am just bored and a little sleepy all at the same time. I could definitely go and do laundry, but I would have to get up the energy first and right now I just don't feel like taking care of it, even though it desperately needs to get done.
I was going to do it this past Saturday, but my family made sure I was out of the house since it was the anniversary of Sue's death and that might have been a really good thing in the long run.


One Year Today

I cannot believe that it has been one year since Sue passed away on me around 6:30 in the morning. I still remember tripping on her leg that was out in the bedroom and trying to make her respond to me not even having a clue that she was already dead. I still remember the awesome paramedics that came here to the house and made me talk about her while we were waiting on the coroner to arrive and how comforting that was.
I will never forget that smile and how she love me and everyone and everything unconditionally and her love for kids and teaching them. I ahve never seen anyone that could deal with kids like Sue could and wherever we were whether at church, on a Lay Witness Mission or even int he store: she related to them so well. It was such a gift that I was envious of because I will never have that. I miss her giving me a hard time and her snoring and waking me up in the middle of the night snoring and me rubbing and patting her back and butt to get her to shut up so that I could get back to sleep.
The house is definitely quieter now and definitely misses her touch because we men just don't have that touch either. I know that this is going to be a hard day but will always remember my precious angel that brought life and laughter to me.
Heaven has to be a brighter place because of her love and her smile.


tired of the ads

I am so sick of seeing Valentine's Day advertisements that I could literally scream. I guess it is really getting to me because I had so much fun sending Sue the floral arrangment I sent her last year. It wastruly fun and I would do it again in a heartbeat, but she is not here for me to deliver the goods and I just want this one stupid money making holiday to just go away.
I would love to be dating someone right now but just have not seen anyone I want to date let alone spend the rest of my life with too and I am definitely praying that that will happen soon.


A great start to the morning

I have been playing with my bike riding to really tweak my exercise routine and this morning had the longest ride I have taken in some time. My younger brother who cycles all of the time challenged me to start with a light tension and work my way up to a little tension but something comfortable that I could keep a constant speed and then bring the tension back down and went 40 minutes this morning. This is the longest I have ridden in some time and it feels great. I am really trying to tone up and figured at 40 minutes I rode approximately 15 miles and the only downside is that butt feels a little numb, but am sure that feeling will subside soon enough.
I may try getting back on the treadmill at a really slow speed in the morning just to keep my legs limber but need to be careful since I have a degenerating disc in my lower back that seems to be pinching a nerve. I have a problem walking and or standing for long periods of time because my right foot and leg get numb.
It is Monday and now I feel great and after cooling down some, it will be time to jump in the shower so I won't stink the rest of the day.


It is over

The estate is finally over and settled. I went to the lawyer's office this morninga nd signed the rest of the paperwork that had to be signed and I am happy it is done. I feel like a great weight has been taken off of my shoulders and now I can get on with my life.
I hated having to do it, but am happy that is over and done with. I thought about ordering pizza or pasta to celebrate tonight, but waited too late so we will take care of that later on this week and will more than likely wait unti Friday which is my normal pizza night.


Really excited

I am so excited, and ahve not been this excited since I ooked my cruise in October. I called Carnival this afternoon and finished paying for my cruise and everything is now set for Major and I to sail from Charleston in September. I think it is going to be something great and cannot wait especially since 2009 was such a bad year and never really took a vacation.
My only real regret is that Sue cannot be here to enjoy it with me and am still looking for someone to date as well and I know that she would really want me to be happy too.


Tired of the whining

I am sick and tired of the whining I am seeing from many of the blind people on one of the lists that I am on. I swear it seems like the world has to revolve around them ajnd I am so damn sick of the bitching and whining I could literally scream and wish that these idiots would just get a life.


Finally getting it done

I am finally getting the doors on my house taken care of. My nephew Max took me to Lowe's today and I picked out sliding glass doors as well as a new back door for the utility room as well as the front storm door. They will get someone to come out and measure to make sure my measurements were totally correct and to also make sure I don't need anything additional when they go to install them and hopefully in about two weeks or less, I will have the new doors here on the house and I am also hoping that this will insulate these areas a little better too and that will help my furnace be more efficient and my power bill not to be as bad too.
I am glad mom suggested that while we were out to go ahead and go by Lowe's and look and I am really happy that I did because I really like what I picked out and Max did a great job of helping me pikc the doors out too.
I will be going out to mom and dad's tomorrow after church and that should be good too.


Really frustrated this morning

I think that this titlE says ti all. I am really frustrated with someone that I thought I was really true friends with and helped when no one else would, but for some odd reason this person chooses not to communicate and that has really hurt my feelings. I just do not understand people anymore and especially people that are supposed to be christians. The church is full of these people and I am sick of the shoving the church down my throat to the point where I want nothing to do with church. I know that this is a really bad attitude, but it is the way that I feel right now. The church that I am attending is absolutely dead and the pastor seems to want nothing to do about it and am getting tired of going to a little soical club, I could do just as well sitting at home watching ESPN. I guess I am just frustrated and thought that I could depend on this friend to take me to the store as well and now have to find someone else, what a real pain this has become.