Felling blah

I feel really blah today and have a feeling that it is because I am facing going into the new year without Sue. I really do miss her and feel really blah like I just don't want to do anything or go anywhere, and I guess that this is a natural feeling.
I will more than likely watch football tonight and then go to bed and may not even stay up to watch the ball drop, or if I do, I will see it drop and then go to bed.
I am really hoping that 2010 will be a much better year and we can get rid of much of the family trauma that we have dealt with this year.


Depressed this morning

I am kind of depressed this morning. My sister called me around 5:45 telling me that my dad was at the emergency room again and his pneumonia is back with a vengence. It looks like Christmas is going to be spent up at the hospital again and this is not the way I wanted to spend Christmas. I wish that I were in the Bahamas right now and could just disappear. I knew that it was going to be much harder this year because of Sue not being here, but this is getting ridiculous. I know that daddy cannot help it and I cannot help feeling the way that I do and am just praying that God would go ahead and take him home and just let him out of his misery. I think that this would be so much easier on my mom in the long run and the rest of the family even though they do not know it.
When I die, I want to just go like Sue did and not have my family have to worry and watch me die like we have been doing with dad for the past several months. It is just emotionally wiping everyone out and we need a break.


Really wrung out

I feel really wrung out today. Dad is still in the hospital and it looks like this is the end of his life. It has only been a little over nine months since I lost Sue and now am having to deal with all of this emotionally and humanly it is almost more than I can handle. Dad has had a great life and he is a great man and has been a great role model not as a father but as a husband to my mother and after looking at their marriage, I see all of the mistakes I made in my marriage and am praying that I get that second chance.
I miss Sue right now and have told her several times lately I am mad at her for leaving me because I really could use the comfort of her arms right now too.
I know that God is with us all and int he coming days will be with us more than ever, but it doesn't mean that I am really hurting right now and am really chrishing my friends and family right now.


A stressful week

This has been one really stressful week. If I don't see the insdie of a hospital again for a while, it will never hurt my feelings and can only imagine how my dad feels. His Parkinsons disease has been in full force and we had no idea that he was not getting the balance of nutrition that he so desperately needed and that caused all of his medicines to back up into his liver and then once he started getting the nutrition he despeartely needed, his body started metabolizing the meds and he started overdosing on them and that really started the problems we saw earlier this week when we thought he was gone. He is still not out of the woods and will be getting the peg for the permanent feeding tube in the morning and that will be a good thing. Now if my mom will chill out a little bit and start listening to the four of us and even the doctors, things will not be quite as stressful. I know she loves my dad and I highly commend her for the way she is taking care of him, but it has gotten to the point of being over obsessive and possessive and that is causing problems not only within the family, but with the doctors there in the hospital as well and am happy to see that a couple of the doctors are really taking charge with her and are telling her that this si the way that it has to be.


Really overwhelmed

I feel really overwhelmed and stressed this morning. I think it comes from the fact that we are having church here in my house tonight and just don't feel ready. I have been wondering since last night if I should go to Forest Lake this morning because we normally get out so late and then it will be a rush to get back home and then get things polihsed for church tonight. I just feel like taking a nap right now and clearing my mind, but at the same time I feel like I don't have time and on top of everything else, mom called me right about 8:00 to invite me to lunch. I really wish that that she would not wait to the very last minute to invite me. I had to tell her no because there is just n o way I can go to Forest Lake and then go to her house and then come back here in time for getting the house ready to worship.
I am just praying that God calms me down a little bit and know that it will be all right. I am a little nervous about tonight because I know we will be talking about where the church is headed and I am afraid that there are going to be some hard things shared since our pastor has decided to abandon us and I really do not want to hurt his lovely wife Theresa in the process as well.


Tired tonight

I think that the subject line says it all. My mother-in-law and a friend of hers were here this morning and most of the day and they did get a lot accomplished and they even found the original copies of the wills and wished that I had been able to find them back in March when I needed the original copy of Sue's will.
I am just hanging out for the weekend and am looking forward to having church here on Sunday night as well.


Utterly exhausted this afternoon

For some odd reason I feel really cynical tonight. I ahve been seeing too many posts from non genuine two faced people and I am just sick of it. I think that the last straw was something i saw from "well meaning friend" that sounded churchy and I think I just lost it.
I am so sick and tired of people that say one thing and then do antoher and that even includes the church. If you say something, then for goodness sake, mean it and not come off looking or sounding pompous and two faced.
I guess I just needed to get this off of my chest before I went to bed.


I am feeling extremely blah tonight. I am not really sure why and part of it could be the rainy and dreary cold weather we ahve been having and part of it is just being lonely. It has been so quiet here in the house and I am miserable. I know that people are looking for someone for me to date, and I am frustrated that I am not dating someone. I know some people have told me to wait as much as two years, and I am sorry but I am ready to get on with my life. I realize that Sue was a special person and will never find another one like her and will never replace her, but feel like it is time to get on with my life too.
I am looking forward to dinner at church this weekend and then the week after Thanksgiving will be going to a Christmas dinner at the support group for gastric bypass patients and that should be fun because Theresa and Susan are going too and that will be fun and trouble all at the same time.


Feeling blah today

I think that the subject line tells it all. I feel really blah today and ahve felt that way for a couple of days. It seems really quiet in this house and that may be why I feel so stinking blah. Yesterday was seven months since I buried Sue and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. I would love to say it was a nightmare that I am just now waking up from, but don't think that is reality too. In some ways I would just love to stay here in the house and go nowhere, but know that is not healthy mentally for me. I did get on my bike and ride for 32 minutes this morning and that felt great because I felt like I needed to ride.
I am just going to take it easy this afternoon and just see what happens.


Feeling down tonight

I am feeling kind of down tonight. It seems so quiet here in the house right now and cannot stand it. I am really missing Sue right now and even if we were just watching tv, it would seem more lively than it normally has been lately.
I know that I am goi8ng to go through some of these feelings from time to time and I do remember the good times as well.


Just not feeling good

I am just not feeling good still this morning. I think I have another upper respiratory infection or bronchitis. It is acting the very same way that it did the week that Sue died. I don't know if it was the stress of the mission catching up with me from last weekend, but I have not really felt good since Thursday and I did call the doctor's office to see if they would call something in for me, but nothing has been called in yet. I am just waiting on them and this cough I have is driving me nuts, and a good antibiotic would definitely help and I know that was what it took back in March to get rid of it all.
I am hanging in there otherwise and have nothing planned for today because I feel so darn lousy. I know that I need to be on my bike, but with this cough, I really do not think it is a good idea.


something really special

Something really specialhappened this evening. I found out that there were two pictures of us at the downtown library with the puppy group and one even in cluded Sue in it and I a so pleased to get it. Of course Major is center stage and that is a great thing to becauwe that is what everyone came to see besides the cute puppies that we had as wwell.
It is really nice when people think of me in this way and are concerned what I think about Sue being in the pictures and i feel great about her being in the pictures because she was definitely a huge part of my life and the puppy program as well.


A hard weekend

It was a hard weekend going to the Lay Witness Mission this past weekend. I knew that it was going to be emotionally difficult, but I was not prepared for how hard it really was. I guess in many ways it was cathartic and even somewhat theraputic, but I still was not prepared for it.
It was hard but I made it by the sheer grace of Godand now know that I can make it through another one, but looks like we won't be having anymore for a while too.
I am glad I went and it was great working with and hanging out with my buddy Tiffany and the kids were really responsive which is not the norm, but that is ok too.
I really enjoyed the church and the host couple I stayed with could not have been nicer. I know that it has to be ahrd for a family to welcome strangers that they don't even know and even harder to welcome one in who has to ahve the dog with him everywhere he goes as well.
It turned out as well as it could have and now I am looking forward to sleeping in my bed tonight.


Trying to make a decision

I am trying to make a hard decision. I have some money left over from the life insurance and am trying to decide to spend it or not on paying the trailer off. I know that I more than likely need to wait until I get something from the probate court about how much I am going to owe them for the estate and then make a decision. I could pay the thing off and then sell it to Toby or just let him pay to have it deeded over into his name. I know that the cd I currently have is about to mature and the rate on it is bottoming out too and that really saddens me too.
It will be interesting to see what the correct thing to do is.


Still sleeping

I am still sleeping thanks to the Ambian that Dr. Lobel gave me. I will be going back to see him in the morning and I need to check to make sure that prescription has refills on it as well. I am glad that I am finally sleeping again and think that has definitely made the difference in how I feel. I was really miserable and the anti-depressants only made me really hungry and I definitely did not need that too.
I was really dreading going on the Lay Witness Mission nest week and still feel really intimidated working with the the youth by myself without Sue, but God will be with us and we will get through it somehow.


A blah day

It has been kind of a blah day today. I really don't know why because I have been getting a lot of sleep. I think one of the things that has messed me up was the fact that I did not get the right kind of protein at my mid-morning snack and that messed me up as well as lunch sucked. I had something different than what i thought it was going to be, but supper is going to be great, rotissery chicken and mashed potatoes.
I will be going back to see the doctor on Thrusday and we will definitely see if going off of the anti-depressants has helped my blood pressure too.


Struggling with a decision

I am really struggling with a decision. I am supposed to be going on a Lay Witness Mission the day after what would have been Sue's birthday. In one sense I really want to go because I love the missions but on the other hand, that will be the first time I have dealth with her birthday and really would just as soon not have to be happy with people and just as soon would rather stay home and hide. I know that serving God is a need and want in my life, but I am really dreading this mission and really don't know what I should do. I am desperately praying for the right answer and I know that God will answer me, I just feel really dreadful and intimidated because Sue had done all of the work and I was the support for her. I really loved doing it too.


Thank God for Ambian

All I ahve to say is thank God for Ambian. That has helped me sleep more than anything else lately. It is really nice to be able to get between seven and eight hours of sleep a night and that is the only thing that has made the difference. I ahve noticed that the anti-depressant has made me really hungry and I know I have gained some weight because of it and until I hear otherwise, I am steering clear of it. I am planning on calling the doctor's office in the morning and talking to the nurse about it as well.
I feel so much better now and really know that is because I ahve been sleeping regularly.


Beginning to finally sleep

I am finally beginning to sleep through the night. I have been taking my new anti-depressant and using the remaining Ambian that I was prescribed after Sue died to help me sleep and trust me, it has been knocking me out and that is a good thing. I ahve been getting between six and seven hours of good sleep a night and that is a good thing right now.
I get up a little sleepy, but that is ok too and seem to have had a little more energy lately and for me, that is a good thing too.


Sleeping a little better

I have slept a little better the past three nights. I guess it is because i have taken the Ambian that Dr. Lobel prescribed after Sue died and it did not seem to help for a while and then I have just started using it again. It is nice to be able to sleep through the night without waking up and not being able to go back to sleep. The only down side is that it seems to take me forever to wake up.


Beginning to sleep better

I think I am finally beginning to sleep a little better and really think that it was the Prozac. I have takent he remaining Ambian for the last two nights and ahve gotten between seven and eight hours of sleep and that was good.
I will start a different med on Monday and we will see how well it works and then if I need something else, I will call the doctor and see about him calling something in for me.
I have got to start getting some sleep because it has definitely effected my eating as well as my blood pressure has royally shot upand that is definitely not a good thing when everything was under such control, so we will see and I know that not sleeping well or even geting enough sleep will effect both of them and am working diligently about getting my appetite back under control too.


Really frustrated

I am really frustrated with the Prozac. I have tried taking it at night and I am seeing the same results I saw with taking it in the morning and I would rather not take anything than to have to only get four hours of sleep a night. The last few nights between taking Tylenol PM and not taking anything including the Prozac, I was sleeping around seven hours and was feeling good and now after only getting four hours of sleep last night, I feel really rung out and hate this feeling. I am glad i am going back to the doctor on Thursday and we will just see where we go from here, either with taking nothing at all or taking something totally different. I am really happy that Emily persuaded me to make sure I was blogging my journey with the anti-depressant and I can openly and honestly talk with the doctor after being on it for the past month.
I feel good other than feeling really strung out from not sleeping like I need to and I can also tell that it is effecting my eating as well.


A better couple of nights

I have had a better couple of nights. I did wake up before 5:00 with my sinuses on fire and took three Tylenol and then went back to bed and was able to go back to sleep and then did not want to get up. Either taking the Prozac at night is helping or I am just really tired out and needed the sleep as well.
Today is going to be busy and that is great. We have our back to school bash with church this morning and then church tonight, and then tomorrow will be spent at mom and dad's because it is my birthday.


Another long night

It was a nother long night. I woke up twice with cramps in my foot and having to go t the bathroom and then around 4:30 I had a cramp in my left foot and had to go to the bathroom and just stayed up, I guess that is better than the night before, but am really getting weary of these long nights as well.
I just wonder if it is what Ihave been going through since Sue's death or the effects of the Prozac as well. I really frustrates me that I am not sleeping as well as I would like to and have been praying that it will end and that I will start getting the rest that i am desiring.


A really long night

Last night was a really long night. I went to bed around 10:00 and woke up around 12:15 and finally took a Tylenol PM around 1:00 and finally drifted off to sleep around 1:45 and then got up around 6:00, so I am dragging this morning and really don't want to drag and since I am going to mom nad dad's today, will just take things easy and maybe see if I can sneak in a nap too.
I am getting really tired of this not sleeping well and am ready for it to come to a screeching halt.


Better sleep

I am finally beginning to get better sleep. Even though we had a terrific thunderstorm late last night, I still got nearly eight hours sleep and I am guessing that the new antibiotic is helping too. I definitely feel better today and ahve just been reading when I ahve not been on the computer and that has made for a great day.


Getting really tired of this

I am really getting tired of not sleeping more than three or four hours a night. I am just getting way too old for this and I really feel like a zomibe this morning. I went to be around 10:30 and woke up around 1:45 and never went back to sleep and needless to say, coffee has been my best friend this morning. I am working on my second pot and will just be taking things easy today as well. I brewed the first pot around 2:45 and the second pot at 9:00, good stuff and hopefully I won't feel like a zombie the rest of the day as well.


Another early morning

Again another early morning. I just do not understand why I can go to sleep so easily and then wake up and not go back to sleep and this is happeneing around 4:00 a.m. and ti is getting really old. It happened again this morning and I am just wanting to go back to bed and not get up but I have church and mom and dad's to go to so it is not going to happen.
I guess when I go back to see Dr. Lobel I need to tell him that this is going on too.


Really frustrated

I am really frustrated this morning. I went to bed right at 11:00 and woke up at 1:00 and have just tossed and turned and am now playing on the computer to see if I can lull my self back to sleep. This is so frustrating that I could literally scream. My sinuses are now back in the same uproar that they were in when I went to see the doctor the other day and that frustrates me too. I was hungry so I got a little snack and that has helped my stomach calm down some too. Maybe I should not have drunk the soda I drank so late and did not even think about it and am going to go and take a Tylenol PM and see if it will knock me out like they normally do.
I will be really glad when all of this comes to a screeching halt and hopefully it will happpen soon.


Still waking up too early

I am really frustrated because I am still waking up much earlier than I would like to. I am really sleepy when I am going to bed, but cannot seem to sleep past 4:00. I hate it but don't know what to do about it and that is what has gotten me really frustrated.
I am going to ride my bike or even get on the treadmill for just a few minutes this morning and see if that will help too and really watch what I am eating too. I think I have been eating too many carbohydrates, especially with refined sugar in them and that has had me really hungry because fo the blood sugar spikes.


A rough night

I did not sleep well last night. I went to bed and crashed hard about 10:30 and about 2)) I woke up and went to the bathroom and was wide awake. I think I finally dozed back off around 5:00 while reading a book or finishing it up. I just feel fried this morning and I ahve things to do to take my mind off of today as well.
It is my 10th anniversary and this is going to be a hard day anyhow, so I will try and stay relatively busy.


Tired out

I feel really tired out today. This sinus thing is definitely getting me down and I have had a bad sinus headache all day long. I just feel woozy and have a feeling that part of this is due to the Prozac as well.
I just feel like I have been running all week long and other than going to church tonight, I have no plans of doing anything and think that might be the best thing that I can do for myself right now too. It has been a very long four months and know that i am in the real grieving process right now and believe me, it hurts. I know that Friday is going to be one really hard day and i am so blessed to have the friends that Ihave in my life right now because they ahve been so sweet, loving and supportive and there is no amount of money on earth that can ever replace that too.
I know that in time, I will be just fine and know that God is with me and is right there beside me and that is the one consolation that I can totally take to the bank right now too.


Utterly exhausted this afternoon

I am utterly exhausted this afternoon. I woke up around 2:30 and went to the bathroom and was hungry and got some cheese and then had a little trouble going back to sleep because I was wide awake and then finally got up at 6:00. I am just exhausted and ahve been gone all day long and am ready to stay home and just relax and read. I got my hair cut and it looks great and was supposed to have gotten a manicure too, but the lady doing it sat on her butt and that really made me mad, but what could i do about it? I am home now waiting on a pizza and am going to eat a couple of pieces of pizza and then relax and read for a while and just enjoy myself.
Yesterday was four months since I lost my precious angel and am glad I finally went to see the doctor as well and I know that it is too soon to see what the Porzac is doing and we will just go from there.


A long day

It has been a really long day today and am glad I went ahead and went to the doctor. I did have a sinus infection and he gave me Amoxicillin for it as well as Prozac fro the depression I have been having. He was not surprised at all by the depression and I am glad I went ahead and went. I realize it is not going to make me feel better overnight, but will help int he long run and that is what I am looking for. he wants to see me in one month to see how well I am doing with it as well. I am just thankful that I recognized the fact aht i needed some sort of help and am getting it to make it through this part of the grieving process. I realize it is a process and the finality of everything ahs been really hard right now especially with our 10th anniversary being this Friday.
I know that God gave me my precious angel and He took her home for some unknown reason and that has been the hardest part because her love was unconditional and I am praying that I can find another lady that loves God and life as deeply as Suye did and of course she has to love dogs and kids too. I still am holding on to the dream fo the family that I feel like God gave me many years ago and know that I am still plenty young enough to have kids and that is exactly what I am praying for.
Mom and I went to lunch and then to the grocery store and let me tell you, after doing all of that, I am tired, but it has been a relatively good day there too.


Really down today

I am really feeling down teary today. I think it is the fact that I am finally realizing that Sue is dead and that she is not coming back. I miss her so much and I think I am finally allowing myself to really grieve over her death. I really am tired of this house feeling so quiet and alone and really wish that I had someone here like her to share my life with. I know I should really be grateful for the time that we had together, but I just do not know how to put into words how badly I am hurting right now. I hear stuff on the radio and see people rthat are so much in love that it absolutely hurts to the point where I just don't want to do anything.
I realize now that i am depressed and am going to do something about it, and think that it is finally time to do something. I am sitting here just sobbing and think that is good too.
I am just so tired of existing and i am really grateful for the friends and family members who have so graciously taken me places and have let me just bear my soul to them as well.
I know that there was a reason somewhere for all of this, but I do not see it at all right now and just knowing that I don't makes me ask God to show me the way a little more clearly. I know I seem like I am rambling, but I don't imagine that matters too.


Kind of down

I have been kind of down for the past few days. I think that much of it has to do with Sue's death and then some of it has to do with the crazy and hot weather that we have been having and my sinuses are torn up and maybe even infected.
I have just been down with no energy and have felt like doing nothing but sleeping and reading. I have finished up my last book on cd and may start reading something that is on my Victor Reader Stream as well. I have enjoyed reading more than I have realized even though I still love playing on the computer more than anything else.
I am going to my doctor on Monday to see about getting something for depression and we will just go from there. My friends andfamily have been extremely supportive and definitely understand why I am depressed and have encouraged me to go and get something even if it is something that I need temporarily.
I think it is time for help and right now since the death of my wife and the running around has finished up, I am just spent and the finality of it all has really come crashing down around me and it is time to do something.


A little down tonight

I am feeling a little down tonight. After hearing Pastor Dave's message, I can realize that I have been trying to put up this great front that I am fine and if the truth really be known, many days I am not. I must admit that the good days now definitely outweigh the bad ones, but tomorrow is Father's Day and it is going to be hard looking at all of the Father's around me and not feeling really sad. I really miss my sweet Sue and miss the fact that even though we did not have kids, we were still a family and that is something that I really long to have. God gave me that dream several years ago and Sue and I never were able to have children of our own and were going to adopt, but that never happened too and I know that there was a reason for it too. I still want that family and know that I am still plenty young enough to have children and know that God has not takent hat dream away from me and will hold on to it until He does.
I am just donw because I am lonely and miss my angel.


The House is paid off

I have finally gotten the house paid off. It is a great feeling to live in a paid for house. I ahve never known that feeling before. I just wish that we had decent public transportation that ran out here and that would make things even better, but you cannot have everything. I know that this was not the way I wanted to pay my house off, but I also know that this would be what Sue would have wanted me to do with the money and now it has been done and when the trailer closes hopefully next month, I will be singing one happy tune as well.
Chase should have the check today and then I should get the deed next week sometime and that is a great feeling.


Getting nervous

I am getting a little nervous today. I am sitting here waiting on my mom to get to the house so that we can go to the bank and get a certified check to send to the mortgage company so that I can pay off the house. That will be a great feeling and it is not necessarily the way that i wanted to go about doing it, but I know that this is what Sue would have wanted me to do and am going to go ahead and do it.
I am really excited about the possibility of getting the trailer sold by the end of July as well and that will definitely take many burdens off of me as well, and I can definitely use that right now too.


I think I got my answer

I really think I got my answer about Sunday church. It was so incredibly boring and it was like all of the life had been sucked out of the church. I was never so happy to leave anywhere in such a long time and Sue's mom and I both think that God is about to have to do something to the church because it is just lukewarm and God hates a lukewarm church.
I think I see now that it is time to abaondon ship. I love the people there and there answers to prayer happening, but I need to be fed and it is just not happeneing there and I have been praying for an answer and I may have just seen God answer my prayer in a real and mighty way.


Church was horrible

This morning's church was horrible. I am tired of the boring old traditional junk. If we are going to have Sunday School times two, then it needs to be one service and not this two services stuff and all of the chit-chat that John is doing. I think that my mother-in-law has put her finger on the problema nd we are in a rut and are lukewarm and God is about to puke with us. It was so boring that I really had problems focusing on any kind of worship and if that is the way that it is going to be, then I really do not need to be there. It would be better off if I stayed in the bed if we are going to continue down this path that we have been heading.
I really am hungering for good Bible teaching instead of John using someone else's work and not preparing a thing. I do not know how long it is going to last with this stuff going the way that it is.
I am just wondering if this was the sign that I have been looking for and just need a break. I just do not feel the love and the presence of God like I feel at Chrysalis on Saturday night. There is a love for each other and a hungering and thirsting for God like I have not seen in quite some time and that is so awesome. It has definitely met the need in my life especially where I am right now and that is a great thing as well.

Really struggling with something

I am really struggling with something ohter than Sue's death right now. I am involved in a small contemporary church on Saturday nights and love it, but have been going with Sue's mom to her church on Sunda mornings and am hating because it is just dead. The pastor is a great man and has the heart of a pastor, but his preaching leaves much to be desired. he just doesn't prepare and it is Sunday School times two and I am just not getting spiritually fed like I am on Saturday night.
I just do not really know what to do and am praying for an answer. Right now God has not given me clear direction on what to do and that frustrates me too. Like Pastor David, I hate not being in control of a situation and am having to trust God for the decisions I need to make.


Really struggling

I am really struggling with what to do about Sunday church. I really love the people at Forest Lake, but there is nothing there spiritually. I ahve known the pastor for nearly 40 years now and he is a good man with a great heart and he loves people, but he has allowed the church to become stagnant and I am really frustrated with what to do. I love the Saturday night church I have been attending and am getting some opportunities to do ministry opportunites but with Forest Lake, I feel no spirit there at all.
I have been praying to see if it is my attitude or if it is indeed what is going on within the church and it definitely looks like it is the latter. I am really tired of the Sunday School times two and wish that John would let his daughter Joanna teach Sunday School and he would just preach during the worship time. I am sick and tired of all of the book studies he is doing because he just doesn't prepare and think he is taking the easy way out of pastoring a church and think he just needs to retire. It is very obvious to me that his focus is not on the church and on other things that he is involved in and that is just sad and wrong all at the same time.


Life insurance is here

I got a knock on the door a little while ago and it was the mailman with a certified letter from the Budget and Control Board and that lets me know that the life insurance check I have been looking for is here. It makes things so final, but know that what I am going to do is what Sue would have wanted me to do and that is to pay the house off and that will give me some financial breathing room once the house is paid off and that will definitely happen by the end of the month. I now need to go to the bank and at least put the check into my savings account and then we will go and get a certified check and send it to the mortgage company with the account number and that will be great and even be better once the trailer closes in July as well. My brother called last night and we are going to transfer the insurance and the tag from the Subaru to the Trailblazer this week and then he will get the title from me and I will sign it over to him and then he is going to start making payments to me and that will be great. I really do not need a car right now and it will definitely fit his needs better than the Subaru right now. It has more space and can haul things where the Forrester is not large enough to pull a trailer let alone put more than two or three people in it let alone putting stuff with them in it too.
It is all so final, but am glad that everything is finally coming together and now I can move on with my life. I am fervently praying for a girlfriend now. I really want to share my life with someone of the female persuasion and I know that God has someone for me as well.


A little down right now

I am just a little down right now. Roz from the school brought out all of Sue's personal stuff that she had in the classroom and that brings real closure and I guess because of that I am a little depressed right now. It makes it that much more final and it needed to be done and I greatly appreciate her coming all the way out here and bringing it, but it still hurts to see it all boxed up like that too.
I know it had to be done and I will see about hooking up the printer and seeing if it will work since the drivers on it should work better with this computer than the printer that I have had for so long too.
I have done pretty well today and even got the house vaccummed like it needed so desperately to be done too.


Kind of bored tonight

I am just kind of bored and blah tonight. I am having real trouble shaking this feeling and feel like the walls are just falling in on me right now. I just do not feel like doing anything and I know that things need to get done. I guess I am going to have to call my PCP and see about him prescribing some anti-depressants. I am bored and feel blah. I am sure that it has to do with Sue's death and all of the being busy with the funeral and getting all of the business of the life insurance and all of the other paperwork finished and now I am finished and it seems like one huge let down and now I am just looking for life to go on andn would love to be dating someone right now too.
I want someone that loves me for who I am and will want to do things too. I don't need to spend a lot of money, just someone that enjoys life and will occasionally like to get out and do fun things. I enjoy just taking a ride or going to a movie or even dinner every now and then. This cooking for one person is a real drag and I know that God has someone in store for me, I am just looking for her right now too.


Still really tired

I am still really tired out. I think I might be eating too much sugar and especially refined sugar and that leads to too many carbohydrates. I am sure I am a little depressed as well and know that a lot has gone on since Sue died and I am now coming back down to earth too. I took a Xanex that mom had brought over at one time and maybe that will chill me out. I have only wanted to eat and sleep and that is not necessarily good and I might even be talking to the doctor to see about prescribing me an anti-depressant for the time being because I really feel like I need something there too.
I am only exercising about three days a week right now just to give my body a break and I think that it desperately needs it too.


Things are finally straight

Things are finally straight with school and I think that I am just drained from all of that drama as well as the mental exhaustion from Sue's death. I really cannot handle any more drama and found out that Sue's assistant lied to me about last Friday and that really hurts. I am not sure why it happened, but needless to say that it did and what she told me really pissed me off and then after talking to Roz, the CRT, I was saddened and hurt and just wonder what kind of agenda Cynthia has right now.
All of that is to say that the stress has really tired me out and I cannot stand any more drama like that and if someone comes up and tries to tell me about it, then I am going to have to say that I don't want to hear it. I have been extremely sleepy these last several days and I think that it is my body just telling me that I need to slow down and not dwell on any of this stuff. God has an amazing way of creating our bodies so that when we overload them, our system starts shutting down and when this happens, it is time for us to take things easy.
I started back exercising yesterday and am going to try and walk ont he treadmill some and then ride the bike some and am going to try and do this three days a week instead of what I was trying to do and that should give my body a little bit of a rest too.


Really upset today

I am really upset today because I learned this afternoon that Sue's principal blocked her assistant from packing her belongings yesterday. Not only did that really anger me and royally piss me off, but it hurt me deeply and ahve taken steps to rectify this situation. I have just emailed the Superintendent of the school district and will be calling his office first thing Monday morning and expect some sort of response from him. I do not want to hear any garbage from the principal because she has done nothing but cause strife in that place and needs to be replaced. She is two faced and how does she know what is Sue's and what is not and I know that Cynthia does because they worked side by side for five years and by now Cynthia should really know what is and what is not and that even includes all of the school things that Sue bought with our money and not the school's.
I dare Ms. Brown to call me Monday after receiving the email because Ihave some things to tell her and if I have to, will get my personal lawyer involved and will file legal action if I deem it necessary and no one had better try stopping me because it is my money and theya re messing with my life as well.
It was a pretty good day until Cynthia called me and the funny thing is that the teacher that took Sue's place called her to come and help pack up on Monday because she is "overwhelmed." I think that is really funny and told Cynthia that she needed to go and help and pack the stuff up and if Brown orders her out, then leave, but since theya re not employing her for the summer, then to go for it and whatever she can pack up and get out, Brown will never know the difference and by then the full force of my email will probably have hit home and that will definitely be a good thing.


Feeling better today

I am definitely feeling better today. I think I slept a little better last night and took yesterday off and will be basically doing the very same thing today. I think I just need the time off fromeverything since I have just run the past 11 1/2 weeks since Sue died and am going to get back into the routine either tomorrow or even as late as Monday.
I am going to read some more today and am listening to some great music I ahve ripped to my hard drive. I now have a nice computer with a great speaker system on it and it sounds great listening to the music I have here.
I will try and get some laundry done either today or tomorrow since I need some nice shirts for the weekend as well.


Really tired today

I have been really tired today. I don't know if the past 11 weeks are catching up with me and just need the rest or if I have not been getting enough sleep at night and not taking a nap in the afternoon. I have been trying to eat better and there have been many days that I have not accomplished this at all.
I have taken the rest of the week off other than maybe doing some laundry on Saturday morning for just me. I started reading a book this morning and ahve read three of the 10 cd's that are in this book. I have enjoyed what I have read and am going to go to bed earlier or at least try to do that after we get home from church tonight.
I think that not only am I physically exhausted, but mentally and emotionally too. I have been running really hard since Sue died getting all of the stuff out of the house and sheds as well as getting all of the paperwork done and submitted and I think that has just taken a huge toll, so I am just going to do things for me for the next couple of days and then get back into my normal routine on Monday.


Not looking forward to this evening

I am not looking forward to this evening when I will be attedning a memorial service for our mission coordinator. It has been jsut about 11 weeks since I laid Sue to rest and frankly I am not looking forward to a funeral service. I knwo that I need to go because of the friendship that we shared and how Tom and Debbie so supported me when Sue died, so I need to go and will be going and am sure that they will know that I am not really comfortable being there too.
I am fortunate because i will be going with one of our team members that I don't know as well as I would like to, but think we will have a good time traveling together and I am looking forward to that.


Feeling a little blah today

I am feeling a little blah today. I don't know if it is thefact that I am going to my friend's memorial service tomorrow or the fact that I ate too much sugar and carbohydrates yesterday and am just dragging. It was one of those don't care days and I ate more junk than I should have and I think that got me into trouble. I do this to myself periodically and it alwyas gets me into trouble and has let me know that kind of sugar is definitely something that I desperately need to leave alone or at least just have a few bites of and leave it.
I am not looking forward to attending my friend's memorial service tomorrow. I know that I need to go because how well he supported Sue, me and the rest of our team and know I need to openly support his wife and the rest of his family. It has only been a little over 10 weeks since I laid Sue to rest and this is going to be really hard, but it needs to be done too. I think once the service gets dgoing, I will be all right and will make it through. One of our team members is going to come and pick me up and I am definitely looking forward to riding with Charles and getting to know him better too and will enjoy that and I have a feeling that Major will enjoy the trip too. He travles well and will be a great help too.


The grave marker is down

I got a call this afternoon from the cemetery telling me that the grave marker was laid down this morning and I ahve real mixed feelings. I feel like I really need to go and see it but don't want to see it if that makes any sense at all. I know that it is the finality of the thing and I know that Sue is not there but it is her resting place too and I am trying to preserve her memory to the best of my ability and I need to at least go there on occasions.
I am going to get the cemetery to place flowers for me and just bill it to the credit card and that will work and then I won't have to go and find them. If they will put a spring bouqet that is mostly pink will really work. She loved roses and pink was her favorite. I really do miss her and just have a problem not wanting to go by the grave as well.


Feeling a little blah tonight

I am feeling just a little blah tonight. I am tired and a little disappointed that my brother won't be down until tomorrow evening, but we will get by too. I know that tomorrow is Mother's Day and i am sure that has a lot to do with it too. I am sure that Sue's mom is going to have a really hard day too especially since she lost her daughter, son and husband all in the space of two years. I know how hard it has been losing Sue and can only imnagine what she has been through.
I am looking forward to spending time tomorrow at my parents house and that will be good too and my sister is providing dinner, and she can really cook like I cannot.
I know that she enjoyes it where I just do it to get by, even though I now have the new stove that I have not tried yet and if I can get my but going in the morning early enough, I am going to try and make a pot of grits. I have some really great stone ground grits and they are great cooked on the stove. I have some sausage dogs in the refrigerator or I have some chicken strips in the freezer that would be good too. I think I will get some eggs the next time I am in the store so I can have grits and eggs, what a great combination.


A great memory

I had a great memory surface this morning. I was scanning the dial here this morning and when I scanned across WMHK, I heard I will Be Here by Steven Curtis Chapman. Now you have to understand taht this was mine and Sue's song and I sang it to her as I put her ring on her hand in our wedding nearly ten years ago. I smiled as I remembered how great it was and how much she enjoyed it and cried all at the very same time. It was a great memory and if I am married again, I will find something suitable for me and my new bride and make those memories as well.


Two months today

It has been two months exactly since I lost my beloved Sue. In many ways it still seems like yesterday and then in some senses, it seems like an eternity. I will always love her and will always cherish and preserve her memory, but things are getting easier on most days, even though I still have my moments and always will.
I am going to take care of the life insurance to the bank today and take care of the cemetery as well and in the next few days, the grave marker will be laid down and I know that I have to see it, even though I really do not want to see it. I am not planning on going to church at all on Sunday and that is just fine with me because it is Mother's Day and I know that my mother-in-law is grieving too and I just cannot handle going to church this year on Mother's Day and also know that God definitely understands as well.


Frustrated with the insurance

I am a little frustrated with the insurance company. I got two checks last week and one did not take out for the cemetery, so now I am going to have to go and deposti the checks and then wait for them to clear and post to my account and then give the cemetery a check before they will lay the marker down on Sue's grave. I spent a bit of time yesterday afternoon tracking stuff down and the last of the checks will come from the retirement system and we still have one more thing to send them before I get that check, so the maze of paperwork goes on. I am really ready for all of this to be over and done with and am just tired out. I really need to stay busy and am planning on going to exercise for a little bit before I even start my laundry that I need to do, but don't want to do it too.
I guess I am a little unmotivated and I am sure that this goes with the territory too, what a pain in the rear end.


Frustrated with church

I am really frustrated with church at Forest Lake. I dearly love the people and John has a pastor's heart, but the sermons are leaving me lacking and the spirit of God has left the place and I just don't know what to do about it. I am frustrated enough not to go anymore and was bored out of my mind this morning. It is like John won't prepare and just rambles. Sue and I left the church shortly after we got married because there was nothing there for us and we were not getting fed at all and I am loving Chrysalis so much and am really getting fed spiritually there and that is really important to me at this point in my life right now. I need the fellowship of people closer to my age and also need the spiritual feeding that I have been getting from David in his messages that I know that he is really agonizing and praying over as well. I love his spirit and his vision for the church and Forest Lake seems to have that same old church mentality and that is really sad because that kind of attitude really just drives people away rather than keeping or drawing them to the church.

It is finally over

All of the people coming over and getting stuff out of the sheds and house is finally over. Ruth Ann, Scott, Rhonda and her dad Ronnie came over yesterday and finally got the rest of the stuff out of the sheds and I got my treadmill. It was a really bitter-sweet time seeing much of that stuff going especially the bedroom suite that was Sue's grandma's, but I got on the treadmill after I got some lunch and after everyone left and that felt good. I really felt kind of numb and listless, but the exercise did me good and worked out really hard between the treadmill and the bike and that felt good and will definitely be doing more of that too.


A hard couple of days

It has been a really hard couple of days. I found out two days ago that the grave marker is here and we are just waiting on the life insurance to be paid to the cemetery before they lay the marker down. I really have tried to be strong all week long and it really got to me emotionally yesterday and I felt really bad all day long and just really vented and that was good in itself too.
I really did not want to go to church last night but did anyhow and that lifted my spirits and read for a good while before going to bed around 11:30. I slept really well and got up around 6:30 and have been reading and doing computer related stuff all day long. I have been reading an interesting mystery written by Patricia Cornwell and really enjoyed ti too.


I am having a bad day

I am having a really bad day today. I am just feeling really lonely and I miss my angel terribly. I feel better knowing that I wrote her telling her how I felt, but am really frustrated and am sick and tired of feeling this bad. I know that this is all part of the grieving and healing process and have just really let emotions fly this morning and even spouted to a good friend of mine this morning and that was good too. I really appreciate my friends just letting me vent and spout without passing judgment.
I also had a good talk and cry with my mother-in-law and that was good too because she definitely understands when most of the rest of the family has no clue what we are going through too. I really hate it and know that part of me died when I found Sue on that bathroom floor and it is just going to take time that I want to rush by to heal.


A long day

It has ben kind of a long day. I went downtown to work on getting me a new Social Security card because I needed it to apply for Sue's retirement, and found out when we got there that my South Carolina I.D. card had expired, so I got the paperwork for DMV and will send the copy we made and the copy of my I.D. card and just see if that will work.
I also set up the interview for getting the lump sum benefit that is coming to me and have to go and get the copy of my marriage certificate as well and mail it back to them and that should not be any trouble too.
The only deal with downtown Columbia is that the parking is a real nightmare, but we had to walk three blocks there and then back. I was extremely proud of Major because of the great job he did.
After getting home, I called the cemetery and found out that the gravestone has come in but has not been laid down and should be in place by the end of the week or early next week. I am excited that is being done, just not really happy to see it and definitely will be laying pink roses on it after it is laid down. Sue loved her roses and I will make sure that she has some.
One of Sue's aunts and her boyfriend came up from Savannah in his Corvette and he took me home in it, man what a ride as well. I could get used to driving a car like that if I could see to drive as well.


Mixed emotions

I had real mixed emotions yesterday when we got all of the rest of Sue's school stuff out of the big shed. All of this work makes everything seem so final and I guess it really is. I know that she would want people to be able to use the stuff and I need the space. I know that her mom will be coming soon to get the dresser and head board for the bedroom suite and she is going to have it re-finished and use it herself and why not, because it was her mom's and I won't be using it anytime soon because I have my own stuff and some of that is in the little shed too, but will be gotten out soon enough.
I am still waiting on the gravestone to be delivered and put in place and figure that it won't be but a couple of more weeks before we hear something from that too.
I guess like my friend Tiffany who is in the middle of a divorce, I am just really ready to get on with the rest of my life and I find interesting that the girls I thought I was interested in, I am really not and am just praying for the right one to come along. She has to be really special like Sue was. I want to have fun, but am seriously looking for someone that will love me for me and not for what I can become and she needs to have the desire for a family as well as Lay Witness Missions. Seceretly I would love to date and marry Tiffany but she lives outside of Atlanta and has her law practice already set up there. I guess if it was meant to be, it could happen and that wouild not hurt my feelings and don't think it would hurt hers too, but only God really knows what is going to happen there too.


A good week

It has been a really good week. It started with an interview by WIS-TV on Monday talking about donating a good amount of school supplies to BC 1 Elementary and then basically chilling out all week to going to the lawyer's office this morning to sign the paperwork that will be filed for probate. I really think that is going to go smoothly and soon I should have the bulk of the life insurance money as well and that will allow me to pay off the house too.
I am looking forward to the weekend because I will be getting my new lap top tomorrow and then will of course be going to church tomorrow night and then to a concert on Sunday night too.
I am still amazed that it has only been seven weeks since I lost Sue, but am even more amazed at how some days are great and then some absolutely suck, but God has been good and I have made it and am so bleassed to have the friends and family that I have too.


Much accomplished

I got much accomplished. I went to the lawyer's office and got a lot accomplished today. We have probate started and things look good for that since things with us were really simple. I hate that we could not find the original copy of the will. I think we can suffice with a copy of it though and that is more than likely the way that we are going to have to go about it. I was worried about it, but now just think we will work with whatever we have. I was fortunate to find the paperwork for the trailer and that definitely helped.
We were able to go to the district office and give them the death certificate and that was good too and the benefits person there is supposed to also fax the alwyer's office with the account number for the life insurance and we need that for probate. I am so happy that I was able to get so much done and now all I am waiting for is the life insurance to be processed and then be able to pay off my house.

A better night

I definitely had a better night last night. I took a Xanex and a Zertek before I went to bed and slept like a log. I definitely needed that since my sinuses have been in one huge uproar and just feeling depressed over getting the death certificates. I realize that the latter was definitely and esperately needed so that I can get on with life and now I will be going to the lawyer to start probate and also am looking for someone to start dating too.
I will be going to the district office early next week so that we can get the life insurance processed. I am anxious to get the funeral home and cemetery paid off so that I can get the rest of the money and pay the house off as well.


Not sleeping well

I think that it says it all this morning. I did not sleep well at all last night and think it was a combination of my sinuses draining and getting the death certificate yesterday afternoon. I know that I need it to process the life insurance as well as getting probate started which I will be doing tomorrow.
I cannot believe that tomorrow will be six weeks and in some ways things are getting easier, but in many ways it is still really hard and at night it gets really quiet in this house and I hate that.
I am definitely going to try and take a nap at some point this morning too.


A little depressed

I am a little depressed today. The funeral home delivered the death certificates a little while ago and to say the least, that took some of the wind out of my sails. I know that it is necessary to process the life insurance and do the other things that I am going to need to do, but still it makes things so final too.
I am glad that we finally got them, even though I still did not want to see it. I am going to go to the district office as soon as I can get a ride and then go from there.


Becoming final

I got a call from the funeral home this morning telling me that they will be picking up the death certificate this afternoon and will either be delivering them to me or mailing them to me. I know that I am excited about getting things rolling with the paperwork, but am not excited at all about seeing it because it makes things so final and that still really stings.
I really appreciate the way that this place has worked with me and taking care of things for me as well.


Finally getting somewhere

I am finally getting somewhere. I called the funeral home this morning and found out that it might take up to four weeks to get the death certificate and was told if I wanted it faster that I had to call the Department of Health and that is exactly what I did this afternoon, and thankfully it will be ready for them to pick up in the morning and when they call me, I will see if they can send it to the Dunbar Road location and either I will go and get it or see if they will bring it to me and am sure that they will. This will get me on the road to processing the life insurance as well as starting to get everything else done that I need to do as well and that will be good.
I am going to call my attorney in the morning to see aobut a couple of things including probate and I may not have to go through that and that will be just fine with me if I do not have to mess with that and will be cheaper as well.
Things are looking up even though I am not looking forward to seeing the death certificate, but also realize that it is necessary.

A rough day

I thought that I was going to be all right handling Easter yesterday, but it was much harder than I would have ever imagined happening. It was just emotionally hard not having Sue there with me especially at my parents house, but I survived and now I am awake after going to the bathroom and am going to go and try and get a few more hours sleep.
I know that this is all part of the process and I have had several good days and knew that this would more than likely be hard, and it was definitely harder than I thought it was going to be, but definitely made it through.
I learned how to use my washing machine and have washed one load of clothes already and will dry them after having breakfast and coffee as well.


Really tired tonight

I am really tired tonight and think it is because I woke up so early this morning. I am going to try the Melotonen that mom got me starting tonight and just see how well this will work over the long haul. I am just sleepy and had a great supper. I ordered the macaroni and cheese with bacon from Pizza Hut and it was really pretty tasty and have plenty of leftovers and may even freeze what I don't eat before I go out of town on Friday. I am definitely looking forward to going to the mountains and even got my hiar cut today and that felt really great.

Just venting

I am just venting right now because I have had trouble finding Major's heartworm medication this morning. I know that my well meaning mother-in-law moved it and it took me three or four times to find where it was located. Now don't get me wrong, I have appreciated the help, but am tired of people putting things where I cannot find them, that is really beginning to piss me off.
I think otherwise I have had a decent day even though I woke up way too early and am looking forward to getting my hair cut in a little while too. Mom is on the way and I think I will just hit a drive thru on the way and pick up a sandwich.

Up too early

I think that this one says it all. I am up too early, but at 4:30, I just could not sleep any longer. I had a good glass of wine before I went to bed and because of the changes in my system after gastric bypass, it really buzzed me, but went to sleep pretty fast, but got up a little over an hour after I went to bed to go to the bathroom, but went back to sleep and then am now up and it is much earlier than I would really like it to be.
I have coffee going and will just go and watch the news for right now since I have already checked my email. I am looking forward to getting my hair cut later on this morning and may order either a pizza or pasta from Pizza zHut for supper because I am getting kind of tired of everything that is here in the house as well and since I am going out of town for a week on Friday morning, I really don't want much in the refrigerator too. I have some things I can eat, but am getting kind of tired of them and have only been out to eat one time since Sue died and for me, that is some sort of a record as well.I am just going to hang in there and am really jazzed that I am also going to be getting the death certificate soon as well.


Finally getting somewhere

I am finally getting somewhere with the Coroner's office. My accountant called a friend of hers that is one of the deputy coroner's and they are going to list cardiomyopathy as the cause of death and all we are waiting on now is the toxicology report and hopefully we will have that by the end of this week or the first of next week. This really makes me feel better. I still hate the fact that Sue is dead and died from something that might have beenn prevented, but we had no idea what she was really going through at the time and it took a friend calling in a favor from another friend to get someone off of their ass, and that is really sad, but is life too.
I will be finally happy to get the death certificate because then I can go ahead and start the life insurance process and everything else that I need to do to get all of my benefits as well as the banking stuff and even the stuff with the house, trailer and the car as well.

Finally peace and quiet

It is finally quiet and peaceful here in the house. Sue's mom and friend have finished working in the apre room and are out of my hair now and it is finally quiet here now and I can go and relax. I appreciate them wanting to help, but just want to be left alone and there is not much that really needs to be done now and we can just leave things in the house alone for a while too. I kow that the boys are coming over Thursday after school to load stuff out of the small shed and that is fine because they can do what Grandma wants them to do and I can hide if I feel like it too.
I guess I am just ready to be left alone and am looking for someone to maybe date and be able to do stuff with rather than have to deal iwth some of this stuff here in the house.

Really frustrated

I am really frustrated and think that maybe I have figured out why I am not sleeping well now and I have pent up frustrations. I am still feeling like well meaning people are wanting to come over and do this that and the other and I really do not feel like messing right now and would just as soon that they leeave me the hell alone. I have not had many moments of real peace since Sue died and frankly as much as I want someone to date and have companionship with, I am tired of people coming in my house, messing and then not telling me where they are putting things and I just do not feel like or even want to mess right now. I could care less how it looks right now and if they can get into the spare room then leave the blasted boxes for right now. If they want to workin the shed this weekend, then go right ahead, but stay out of the house right now because I am tired and in a really bad mood because I feel like mom and Sue's mom right now want to do what they feel needs to be done or doing what they want to get done and I am not being asked, I am being told and frankly I am sick of it and just want to be left alone.
I guess I just needed to put this down on paper and need to be more vocal about it, even though I may have to do it in a really nice way.


Really tired

I am really tired today because I woke up around 3:30 and finally around 4:00 decided to take a Xanex to calm me down. I just wonder if my body is getting to used to the Ambien and is not being really effective right now too. I have been kind of groggoy all day long and dozed off watching the truck race this afternoon, so have decided to get up and just mess around a little bit. I am going to the mountains this weekend for a few days and think that will be fun as well.
I just need to get out of town because right now I think I might be bored or just a little depressed right now and the change of scenery might be nice too.
I am just ready to get on with life and just see where things go as well.I also was able to go ahead and pay off the other grave site this morning and that felt good taking care of that as well. I know that Sue would be really proud of me and am really happy that has already been accomplished as well.


A great service last night

We had nother great service at Chrysalis last night and I am so excited about David's vision to not only church the Christians like me that are basically disenfranchised with the traditional church, but to bring in the unlovely and broken that the traditional church has abandoned. I really think we ahve something and exciting there and believe it or not, the pastor's wife Theresa is already match making and one girl in particular would not be a bad one to date. I am not looking to date, but if she came around, I would like it. I am not looking to get married right yet, but long for great female companionship like I had with Sue. It still seems really strange not wearing my wedding ring, but I really feel that the more I was looking at it, the more I was wallowing in my grief. I know I will always grieve for my sweet Sue, but also know that she would want me to go on and be happy and continue the work we were doing with the Lay Mission team as well.
Any girl I date and possibly marry will have to partner with me in the Lay Witness Mission program. It is in my blood and this is one more way to go into the church and show them that not only are we not professional ministry people, we are just like them and are giving them a fresh perspective on their particular church and it is a really awesome thing and program too.
I am looking forward to going out to mom and dad's after church at Forest Lake this morning. I hope that the service there is a little better this morning because I am not getting the feeding like David is doing at Chrysalis. I think that is why that church is dying too.


Tired of being single

I am just sick of being single right now. If I had not been married for the last 9 1/2 years it would not feel so bad because I was used to it and think my brother who is divorced can easily understand too. I know that more than likely it is too early to be thinking about dating again, but I miss being married and the companionship of my wife as well as the sexual part too.
I still desire to have a wife and children and God is the only one who is going to take that desire away from me too. I am definitely looking forward to going to church tonight and I like the fact that it is mostly people around my age and believe it or not, a good many of them happen to be single too, but that is not the reason I am attending.
I also took my wedding band off today because frankly it was really loose on my finger and it also hurts too badly to look at it right now because it is really reminding me of what I had with Sue. I love her still and always want to preserve and honor her memory. I think that I can grieve and maybe start to heal a little better by not always being reminded that I just lost my angel three weeks ago.


I woke up too early

I woke up way too early this morning. I went to bed around 11:00 and about 4:30 I woke up and managed to stay in the bed until 5:00 and am now up and drinking coffee. I was really hoping to make it to 6:00 but that just waasn't the case and I am sure that it has something to do with not taking thte Ambien last night. I was really sleepy and knew that I needed to try it and maybe should have taken a Xanex. I know that today is going to be emotionally trying too since it has been exactly three weeks since I dound my best friend face down on the bathroom floor and that image still fills my mind occasionally when I go into our bathroom and for that reason, I have found it really hard to use that toilet too, but I also know that with a lot of prayer and God's help, that is something zI am just going to have to face as well.
I had a wierd dream as well and may be this was God's way of telling me that He knows that I am hurting and that He is here with me and will help me through it all too.


Feeling down

I am really feeling down and am just really tired frigh now. I am sure that it is emotional tiredness and I am ready for the rollercoaster to end, even though Iknow that won't be happening anytime soon.
I am just tired and frustrated and finding out that it is still going to be some time before I get the death certificate really did not help. I really miss my wife and it is way too quiet here int he house too.
I enjoyed watching tv with her in the evenings, especially on Thursday night and I am jsut kind of bored tonight.

A little frustrated

I am a little frustrated with the delay in getting the autopsy. I would have thought after nearly three weeks I would have had it back by now and do not. I am really frustrated witht he fact that it could take three months to get a death certificate when I have things that absolutely have to be done and cannot be completed until I have the death certificate with the cause of death on it. I know that what we have now is a pending cause of death but that just is not cutting it too.

Really tired this morning

I am really tired this morning. I think it is more emotional than anything else. I think going to the school on Monday really took more out of me than I thought and then yesterday I really got into things with my mom because I was tired and frustrated with being just pushed into doing things here in the house that frankly need to wait. I am still emotionally overwhelmed and she thinks things ahve to be done now when in actuality, they can wait and many of the things she wants to do can wait. She just does not understand because her husband, even though he is in bad health is still alive, and I have a feeling that given the same set of circumstances, she would feel the very same way that I do, so she just needs to back off and cannot stand it when I stand up to her because everything is her way or the highway and I just do not work that way and she knows it.
I slept ok until about 4:30 and then slept until 5:30 and listened to the radio until 6:00 when I got up and went to the bathroom and just decided to stay up and now could definitely use a good nap too.
I am definitely looking forward to the weekend so that I can just chill out and just be here. I know that tomorrow is going to be hard and like my dietician told me last week, every Friday for a while is going to be really hard and by God's grace I will get through it all.


Reflecting on Sue

I was talking to a really close friend a little while ago and was talking about Sue and I started reflecting on her. I am really missing her and am keeping music in the house on because I am lonely and really miss being married to her. I am not only missing the physical contact I had with her, but I am a sexual being and I miss the sex too, and I want it really badly.
I was reflecting why I fell in love with her and she was one of the most loving people I have ever met in my life and it did not matter that I could not see or not and even when I lost my vending route, she never pushed me to get another job because she knew that I had my disability and I was still contributing to the household too. I really miss seeing her interact with our nieces and nephews because she had a gift of interacting with kids better than anyone else I have ever met and I know that her love for kids came as a teen-ager and I know that something inside of her died when she had utirine cancer and had to have a total hysterectomy several years ago. She had to let her dream die of having a family and we were not able to adopt like we had planned and hoped as well, and I know that did something to her and always wanted to be around especially the younger nieces and nephews.
She had a love for teaching as well. It was her calling and her profession. I know that she got really aggravated with all of the politicss of the school system, but I can never remember a time when she wanted to give up teaching. She was good at it and brought it home most of the time and there were many times when I wished that she could have left it at the school, but that was Sue.
She was never a great housekeeper and I think that she was so depressed that at times she just did not care, but we are working on that too and the house looks really nice right now too.
I know that I was running90 miles an hour today and in some ways that is good, but I really needed to slow down and really give myself time to breathe and remember my sweet angel.
I found out yesterday that the grave marker sketch came back and the angel we picked out looks great and will be put down by Mother's Day, and I cannot wait to put flowers on it too.

Some good news

I got some good news yesterday after having an emotionally charged day. The cemetery called me and told me that finally the sketch of the grave marker had come back and it looked great. The first sketch had gotten screwed up by the company the palce uses and we were not happy at all and what we had originally chosen had not been sketched, but we chose a different angel to be the center piece and emblem and it turned out great.
The marker should be in place by Mother's Day and hopefully I will have the death certificate by then too. I am a little frustrated that it is taking so long to get it, but I guess that there is nothing I can do about the autopsy taking nearly three months too.
I did get my new phone yesterday and it is a piece of junk and will be talking it back to the store tomorrow to exchange it for something that will not only work but will be easier for me to use as well.
I am still battling loneliness at night and it is just too quiet and have been talking to my friends a good bit and that seems to be helping too and am hoping that today will be a great day. At least I am having coffee and that always starts the day off right even if the rest of the day goes to crap.


Really tired tonight

I am really tired tonight and think that some of the emotional stress has caught up with me too. I had a great day yesterday and today and have been going 90 miles an hour and that may be part of it too.
I had a great day going out to my parent's house for lunch and watched most of the race with my dad and that was great and then we came back home and I dozed just about all of the way home, so I guess I needed the nap. I had supper and now am just chilling out on the computer and am going to have some banana pudding that a very sweet lady made for me last week and man let me tell you, that stuff is great. I hope that the Amazing Race is on tonight instead of basketball and then I might just go to bed early. My mother-in-law and I are going to take a large box of books and the keys for the school back to them tomorrow around lunch time and that is going to be kind of hard too, but will get through it. I know that this is all part of grieving and getting through it all.

A new church visited

I went to a new church last night and it was great. It was contemporary and casual, but unlike most churches I have ever been to because the church in my opinion has not been the place of refuge it was intended to be. The people were really warm and I was accepted for who I was and most of the people there were my age and we had quite a few kids as well.
I desperately needed that kind of fellowship and atmosphere since the death of my wife two weeks ago and the pastor's message was really timely for what I am experiencing right now too.
I am definitely planning on going back and it definitely lifted my spirits and my silly Labrador who stole the show did not hurt things too.


I miss my wife

I think that this says it all. I really miss my sweet angle. It has been two weeks since she passed away and it has been some of the worst and best days of my life. I am so amazed at my family and friends who dropped everything and came running and I so appreciate that, but I still miss being married. This adjusting back to single life really sucks, but I also know that God allowed it for some odd reason that I may never see until I get to Heaven.
I know that she is no longer hurting and know that she was depressed for quite some time and now she is whole and is with her brother and dad. It still hurts and the thought of having to go intot he bathroom where I found my wife lying on the floor face down already dead is still pretty hard to take and even going by the grave has been hard, but is something that i need and definitely want to do so that I can preserve her memory.
I remember the good memories and found the music box from the flowers I sent her for Valentine's Day and that really brought a smile to my face knowing how much she loved that and how much fun I had surprising her and not letting her know what Cynthia and I were up to and that was so much fun and would do it again in a heartbeat as well.
I know that in time, my heart will really heal and have to go through what I am going through now and God and my family and friends will definitely carry me through


A lot accomplished

I was able to get a lot accomplished yesterday. I got the paperwork for the extension of the health insurance done and submitted as well as we were able to go ahead and draw up the paperwork for the life insurance as well as getting it signed and now all I need is the death certificate and cannot get that until the autopsy is completed.
I really feel good about what I have been able to accomplish and I think that Sue wold be really proud of the decisions I am making and have already made. I went ahead and purchased the grave site beside hers and hopefully it will not be used anytime soon, but thought that it would be a great investment and some day want to be laid to rest beside my beloved angel.
I am still coughing a bit and think I may call the doctor's office i the morning to see if he can call something else in to get rid of this nasty bronchitis as well.


A major accomplishment

We made a major accomplishment today. Mom and I got all of the unwanted and unneeded food out of the house today and took it to a local food bank. I could not believe it weighted so much and it was really good to get it out of the way.
I found out this morning that it might be as long as four months to get the death certificate because it may take the autopsy that long to be completed. It really makes me mad that it could take that long and I see no reason why it should even begin to take that long and think that it is bureaucratic double talk.
This really has everything else on hold and I am waiting to hear from my renter this week because it is getting close to the end of the month and I have not received any rent from him and he had better not start doing what he did last year because if he starts, I will serve him notice that he has so many days to get caught up and then I will evict him and get rid of the trailer however I have to and that even includes having it foreclosed on, even though that is the last resort. I am sure that it will all work out, I am just royally overwhelmed at this point too.


My week from Hell

It has been my week from hell. I lost my angel last Friday morning and my life has not been the same since. It has been a really hard pill for me to swallow. I know that God allowed it for some odd reason, but I just want people to put their arms around me instead of hearing all of the churchy crap I have been hearing.
I really enjoyed being married and we had 9 1/2 good years of marriage and would loved to have had 9 1/2 more, but there was a reason for it somewhere too.
I have really cried more today and let my emotions out more today than I have since she passed away on me.
I would never wis this on anyone and have really appreciated the efforts of my friends and family members to help with the house and just to keep me going.


Really tired today

I am really tired out today and think that it is because I did not sleep well last night and that might be because Sue has had the flu all week long and withher not sleeping well, I have not slept well. I made her go to the doctor this morning and she has to go for a follow up on Tuesday afternoon, so we will definitely see what happens there too. We got Chinese afterwards and I have eaten some and now feel like I am about to starve again, but am going to wait for a while before I eat more of what we got for lunch and supper.
I really hope that she gets to feeling better soon and that maybe we can both sleep well tonight. At least the weather is warming up and I really like that too.


Feeling a little blah

This cloudy and rainy weather has got me feeling a little blah. I guess I am just tired of all of the stress that Sue has been bringing home and the weather really does not help too. We are expecting snow and frankly I am hoping that it doesn't, but looks like it is going to and I know that if it does, Sue will be home again tomorrow and I am not really sure if I am ready for that too.


A great weekend

We spent a great weekend at this little Methodist Church in Pinopolis, SC which is outside of Moncks Corner. The people were awesome and made me realize that is what church is supposed to be like. It was more like one huge family and I know that Sue and I have really looked for a church that we can call home, and trust me we have not found that sort of place. I really feel like we were ministered to and it really recharged my batteries. It was really tiring, but that is ok too.
We work with the youth and if there was ever a need right now, that is with our youth. Sue and I have been trying to give up the youth for about five years now and I really feel like God has told me to stay with them even though we are so much older and really have nothing in common with the youth of today. I cannot believe all of the stuff that they go through and all of the stuff that they have to play with that I did not have when I was their age. The biggest problem that we encountered was the cell phonbes and texting from them and had to ask them to make sure that they kept them out of sight while we had our sessions. Now I have a phone, but it stayed in my pocket on vibrate and that is what it should have been. I really feel like we are supposed to be dealing with them right now to make sure that they not only know Christ as their Savior but to love him and let Him love them with that everlasting love that no one can give, and also to make sure that their prayer life is better too because without a prayer life, life would be miserable.
I am really happy that we went, but better happy to get back into my own bed as well.


A great day

It has been a great day. It has been really quiet and peaceful and I am now in the NASCAR spirit.
Today were the twin 150 mile qualifying races and it was nice to be able to sit back and crank up the surround system and just enjoy because Sue has been at work all day long and had a PTO meeting tonight and that gave me the opportunity to just crank it up.
I hope that the meetingoes better than with some of her students today and that she will get some rest tonight because she is just whipped and the next couple of weeks aren't going to be much easier. We have a mission next week near Charleston and then her mom is having a stint put in an artery the following Tuesday morning so we will be really busy, but it will all work out.


Figured out my problem

I think I figured out my problem from last night. I dumped this morning and think that ist was the combination of too much sugar and little too much grease. I would have been better off eating the piece of dark chocolate and not eating the cherry turnover I ate. I think that combined with the caffeine from my coffee this morning bit me, but what can you do, but just watch it too.


Just frustrated

I am really frustrated this morning. The house looks horrible and Sue just seems content to do nothing about it. I would be more than happy to help if she would just get off of the couch and ask. The kitchen is horrible and stuff is stacked everywhere and I have no earthly idea where most of it goes as well as stuff down in the den that she has stacked. I do not dare touch it because if it falls, I get yelled at am tired of that crap too.
I have a feeling that she is depressed as well as has some fairly serious sleep apnea and wish that she would do something about it. Our insurance will not cover gastric bypass surgery and I think that would help her out greatly even though I do not think she is emotionally ready for that kind of radical surgery as well as commitment to what it takes.
I just felt like I needed to vent and writing in my blog definitely helps that tool


A little frustrated right now

I think that this title says it all. I am a little frustrated with my sister-in-law right now. I cannot stand her holier than thou attitude right now. I sent her a story about something in the newspaper this morning and her reply was just wrong and in a nice way I tol her that her statement was horribly judgmental and then she got started in on my wife's attitude and I think it stemmed from Sunday night when he and Sue were fising the chili and he just did not have enough spices or sauce in it and Sue who cooks much more than Scott ever does was trying to tell him and trust me, with what she was trying to tell him about the sauce, she was right and then I get this attitude where they wanted to knock her head in. I am sorry but they are really narrow minded and bigotted and I would never go to their narrow minded Independent Baptitst church too because I am sure that is where much of their junk comes from.
I do get really frustrated with Sue and am really frustrated with the fact that she will not get off of her butt and do anything around the house or for herself and that even includes exercising and eating better than she does, but that is just something that she is personally going to have to deal with her on her own.


Frustrated with Major

I was really frustrated with Major tonight. Somehow he got a expensive pair of scissors that were on the couch in the living room and chewed the plastic handles off of them. I really thought that he was beginning to settle down now that he has hit three, but then he pulls something like this. I was really strict and hard on him and am just going to have to be that way and to make sure that he behaves here in the house. I cannot have him continually tearing stuff up and I blame his puppy raiser and his area coordinator for this. I cannot blame the training staff at the school because each trainer has about 15 dogs in a string and they just do not have the time to take care of behavior issues while they are training the dogs, so it is up to the area coordinators and the puppy raiser to make sure that their behavior is spot on. I heard many stories of his great house manners and they have never really come up to the expectations I was given and that really disappoints me because his work in harness is great and really confident.


Back to the grind

We are definitely back to the grind again. Sue has not wanted to get up any day this week since she has had to go back to school, and I guess I cannot blame her too. She was sick the week before break started and then the week of Christmas, we ran just about every day somewhere and then she had the week after Christmas to relax, and I know that she felt like she had no vacation at all. I am hanging in there and still learning every day that passes what works now and what doesn't since my gall bladder surgery. I heated some hamburger steak too long yesterday and it dried the steak out and it bit me hard, but after taking all yesterday afternoon to get over it, I am fine now and will just have to watch what I am eating and how things are prepared.
It has been stormy here this morning and I am looking forward to a hot pot of coffeee here shortly.