Really scared

I am really scared. Ever since Sue died I really was looking for someone to date and then to get married again, and yes I would not mind that coming true but on my terms and even on God's terms. I have a good friend that emailed me last week and told me she was attracted to me. The problem is that I am not attracted to her like she is to me and just don't know how to handle it.
I have been praying to make sure that this is right and have not gotten my answer yet, and then today about lunchtime Tracy texted me and told me she was thinking about me today, and that really blew me away. I had no idea what to say back so I told her I thought they were good thoughts and hoped she was doing well because she deals with really bad migranes.
I really hope that I did not hurt her feelings, but it shocked me and after having some bad situations with women coming on to me, I just do not know how to handle this. I would never hurt Tracy in one million years, but am not attracted to her at all right now and just do not know how to tell her.
There is another blind lady that I correspond with and really like her better, so who knows how it will work out and Betsy seems to be more settled.


Having problems getting to sleep

I have been having problems getting to sleep lately. I am sure that it is the holidays and am really missing Sue. I think I will be calling my doctor in the morning and seeing about getting a prescription for something to help me sleep. I had to do this right after Sue died, and have not had anything for several months because I think I was too dependent on it. I have also been having problems with the cold and damp weather effecting the arthritis in my back and knee and that is not fun either, so I will just see what I can get done about it. I am ready to get to sleep right now and waiting for the Perkased to take effect and hopefully I will not be as groggy in the morning as I was this morning.


Missing my Angel

I have really been missing my sweet Angel lately. I guess that is why some nights it has been really hard to get to sleep and some nights I have awakened at 4:30 in the morning and that is no fun at all.
I am sure that the holidays are exaserbating these feelings and the holidays were always so much fun for us and we enjoyed spending it with family as well, and that really hurst because she is not here. I know two years ago when my feelings were really raw, dad was near death so i just pushed my feelings aside and then last year I was in the hospital recovering from major back surgeryand it would have been so nice if she had been able to be there with me while I was in the hospital and know that she would have been if she had been alive, so this year it seems harder than maybe I was hoping it was going to.
I am just thankful for the friends that I have and the church that I am in right now and thankful that these people have kept me going for nearly the past three years as well.


Really missing Sue today

I am really missing Sue today. I watched a Hallmark movie that I recorded Sunday night and it was the kind of movie that I would have watched with my wife. We loved sitting on the couch sharing popcorn and watching a good sappy and family oriented movie like the Lost Valentine. I guess I ahve been suppressing feelings I have had and today more than lately really miss not only the love that we shared, but the companionship of a loving woman.
I really miss being married and I guess with this being February and Valentine's Day almost being here, I want someone in my life to share it with and knwo that even sitting here I have not voiced that to the Lord like I need to. It gets so lonely here and quiet here that I can hardly stand it and then there are some days rthat I am just fine.
I know that I am dealing with things much better than when she died nearly two years ago, but then after interacting with people who have lost spouses, I feel like I am starting all over again at times too, and maybe that is a good reminder of what I had and what I truly lost.
I think that this must be God's way of reminding me that He is always there to take care of me and that he will provide for me int he right time and I need to depend on Him even that much more.


Emotionally exhausted

I went to a greif share group last night and was emotionally exhausted. I felt like in many ways I was re-living the day that Sue died and maybe that was a good thing.
I see good things coming out of this group and there is a guy in the group that lost his wife less than six months ago and he seems so lost and I so feel for him because he is right now where I was nearly two years ago and some days even feel that way when no one is around.
I really think that there will be some good in the groupand hope I can help someone with what I have already been through as well as being helped as I still go through the journey of grief as well.