A little down tonight

I am feeling a little down tonight. After hearing Pastor Dave's message, I can realize that I have been trying to put up this great front that I am fine and if the truth really be known, many days I am not. I must admit that the good days now definitely outweigh the bad ones, but tomorrow is Father's Day and it is going to be hard looking at all of the Father's around me and not feeling really sad. I really miss my sweet Sue and miss the fact that even though we did not have kids, we were still a family and that is something that I really long to have. God gave me that dream several years ago and Sue and I never were able to have children of our own and were going to adopt, but that never happened too and I know that there was a reason for it too. I still want that family and know that I am still plenty young enough to have children and know that God has not takent hat dream away from me and will hold on to it until He does.
I am just donw because I am lonely and miss my angel.


The House is paid off

I have finally gotten the house paid off. It is a great feeling to live in a paid for house. I ahve never known that feeling before. I just wish that we had decent public transportation that ran out here and that would make things even better, but you cannot have everything. I know that this was not the way I wanted to pay my house off, but I also know that this would be what Sue would have wanted me to do with the money and now it has been done and when the trailer closes hopefully next month, I will be singing one happy tune as well.
Chase should have the check today and then I should get the deed next week sometime and that is a great feeling.


Getting nervous

I am getting a little nervous today. I am sitting here waiting on my mom to get to the house so that we can go to the bank and get a certified check to send to the mortgage company so that I can pay off the house. That will be a great feeling and it is not necessarily the way that i wanted to go about doing it, but I know that this is what Sue would have wanted me to do and am going to go ahead and do it.
I am really excited about the possibility of getting the trailer sold by the end of July as well and that will definitely take many burdens off of me as well, and I can definitely use that right now too.


I think I got my answer

I really think I got my answer about Sunday church. It was so incredibly boring and it was like all of the life had been sucked out of the church. I was never so happy to leave anywhere in such a long time and Sue's mom and I both think that God is about to have to do something to the church because it is just lukewarm and God hates a lukewarm church.
I think I see now that it is time to abaondon ship. I love the people there and there answers to prayer happening, but I need to be fed and it is just not happeneing there and I have been praying for an answer and I may have just seen God answer my prayer in a real and mighty way.


Church was horrible

This morning's church was horrible. I am tired of the boring old traditional junk. If we are going to have Sunday School times two, then it needs to be one service and not this two services stuff and all of the chit-chat that John is doing. I think that my mother-in-law has put her finger on the problema nd we are in a rut and are lukewarm and God is about to puke with us. It was so boring that I really had problems focusing on any kind of worship and if that is the way that it is going to be, then I really do not need to be there. It would be better off if I stayed in the bed if we are going to continue down this path that we have been heading.
I really am hungering for good Bible teaching instead of John using someone else's work and not preparing a thing. I do not know how long it is going to last with this stuff going the way that it is.
I am just wondering if this was the sign that I have been looking for and just need a break. I just do not feel the love and the presence of God like I feel at Chrysalis on Saturday night. There is a love for each other and a hungering and thirsting for God like I have not seen in quite some time and that is so awesome. It has definitely met the need in my life especially where I am right now and that is a great thing as well.

Really struggling with something

I am really struggling with something ohter than Sue's death right now. I am involved in a small contemporary church on Saturday nights and love it, but have been going with Sue's mom to her church on Sunda mornings and am hating because it is just dead. The pastor is a great man and has the heart of a pastor, but his preaching leaves much to be desired. he just doesn't prepare and it is Sunday School times two and I am just not getting spiritually fed like I am on Saturday night.
I just do not really know what to do and am praying for an answer. Right now God has not given me clear direction on what to do and that frustrates me too. Like Pastor David, I hate not being in control of a situation and am having to trust God for the decisions I need to make.


Really struggling

I am really struggling with what to do about Sunday church. I really love the people at Forest Lake, but there is nothing there spiritually. I ahve known the pastor for nearly 40 years now and he is a good man with a great heart and he loves people, but he has allowed the church to become stagnant and I am really frustrated with what to do. I love the Saturday night church I have been attending and am getting some opportunities to do ministry opportunites but with Forest Lake, I feel no spirit there at all.
I have been praying to see if it is my attitude or if it is indeed what is going on within the church and it definitely looks like it is the latter. I am really tired of the Sunday School times two and wish that John would let his daughter Joanna teach Sunday School and he would just preach during the worship time. I am sick and tired of all of the book studies he is doing because he just doesn't prepare and think he is taking the easy way out of pastoring a church and think he just needs to retire. It is very obvious to me that his focus is not on the church and on other things that he is involved in and that is just sad and wrong all at the same time.


Life insurance is here

I got a knock on the door a little while ago and it was the mailman with a certified letter from the Budget and Control Board and that lets me know that the life insurance check I have been looking for is here. It makes things so final, but know that what I am going to do is what Sue would have wanted me to do and that is to pay the house off and that will give me some financial breathing room once the house is paid off and that will definitely happen by the end of the month. I now need to go to the bank and at least put the check into my savings account and then we will go and get a certified check and send it to the mortgage company with the account number and that will be great and even be better once the trailer closes in July as well. My brother called last night and we are going to transfer the insurance and the tag from the Subaru to the Trailblazer this week and then he will get the title from me and I will sign it over to him and then he is going to start making payments to me and that will be great. I really do not need a car right now and it will definitely fit his needs better than the Subaru right now. It has more space and can haul things where the Forrester is not large enough to pull a trailer let alone put more than two or three people in it let alone putting stuff with them in it too.
It is all so final, but am glad that everything is finally coming together and now I can move on with my life. I am fervently praying for a girlfriend now. I really want to share my life with someone of the female persuasion and I know that God has someone for me as well.


A little down right now

I am just a little down right now. Roz from the school brought out all of Sue's personal stuff that she had in the classroom and that brings real closure and I guess because of that I am a little depressed right now. It makes it that much more final and it needed to be done and I greatly appreciate her coming all the way out here and bringing it, but it still hurts to see it all boxed up like that too.
I know it had to be done and I will see about hooking up the printer and seeing if it will work since the drivers on it should work better with this computer than the printer that I have had for so long too.
I have done pretty well today and even got the house vaccummed like it needed so desperately to be done too.


Kind of bored tonight

I am just kind of bored and blah tonight. I am having real trouble shaking this feeling and feel like the walls are just falling in on me right now. I just do not feel like doing anything and I know that things need to get done. I guess I am going to have to call my PCP and see about him prescribing some anti-depressants. I am bored and feel blah. I am sure that it has to do with Sue's death and all of the being busy with the funeral and getting all of the business of the life insurance and all of the other paperwork finished and now I am finished and it seems like one huge let down and now I am just looking for life to go on andn would love to be dating someone right now too.
I want someone that loves me for who I am and will want to do things too. I don't need to spend a lot of money, just someone that enjoys life and will occasionally like to get out and do fun things. I enjoy just taking a ride or going to a movie or even dinner every now and then. This cooking for one person is a real drag and I know that God has someone in store for me, I am just looking for her right now too.


Still really tired

I am still really tired out. I think I might be eating too much sugar and especially refined sugar and that leads to too many carbohydrates. I am sure I am a little depressed as well and know that a lot has gone on since Sue died and I am now coming back down to earth too. I took a Xanex that mom had brought over at one time and maybe that will chill me out. I have only wanted to eat and sleep and that is not necessarily good and I might even be talking to the doctor to see about prescribing me an anti-depressant for the time being because I really feel like I need something there too.
I am only exercising about three days a week right now just to give my body a break and I think that it desperately needs it too.


Things are finally straight

Things are finally straight with school and I think that I am just drained from all of that drama as well as the mental exhaustion from Sue's death. I really cannot handle any more drama and found out that Sue's assistant lied to me about last Friday and that really hurts. I am not sure why it happened, but needless to say that it did and what she told me really pissed me off and then after talking to Roz, the CRT, I was saddened and hurt and just wonder what kind of agenda Cynthia has right now.
All of that is to say that the stress has really tired me out and I cannot stand any more drama like that and if someone comes up and tries to tell me about it, then I am going to have to say that I don't want to hear it. I have been extremely sleepy these last several days and I think that it is my body just telling me that I need to slow down and not dwell on any of this stuff. God has an amazing way of creating our bodies so that when we overload them, our system starts shutting down and when this happens, it is time for us to take things easy.
I started back exercising yesterday and am going to try and walk ont he treadmill some and then ride the bike some and am going to try and do this three days a week instead of what I was trying to do and that should give my body a little bit of a rest too.