Really upset today

I am really upset today because I learned this afternoon that Sue's principal blocked her assistant from packing her belongings yesterday. Not only did that really anger me and royally piss me off, but it hurt me deeply and ahve taken steps to rectify this situation. I have just emailed the Superintendent of the school district and will be calling his office first thing Monday morning and expect some sort of response from him. I do not want to hear any garbage from the principal because she has done nothing but cause strife in that place and needs to be replaced. She is two faced and how does she know what is Sue's and what is not and I know that Cynthia does because they worked side by side for five years and by now Cynthia should really know what is and what is not and that even includes all of the school things that Sue bought with our money and not the school's.
I dare Ms. Brown to call me Monday after receiving the email because Ihave some things to tell her and if I have to, will get my personal lawyer involved and will file legal action if I deem it necessary and no one had better try stopping me because it is my money and theya re messing with my life as well.
It was a pretty good day until Cynthia called me and the funny thing is that the teacher that took Sue's place called her to come and help pack up on Monday because she is "overwhelmed." I think that is really funny and told Cynthia that she needed to go and help and pack the stuff up and if Brown orders her out, then leave, but since theya re not employing her for the summer, then to go for it and whatever she can pack up and get out, Brown will never know the difference and by then the full force of my email will probably have hit home and that will definitely be a good thing.


Feeling better today

I am definitely feeling better today. I think I slept a little better last night and took yesterday off and will be basically doing the very same thing today. I think I just need the time off fromeverything since I have just run the past 11 1/2 weeks since Sue died and am going to get back into the routine either tomorrow or even as late as Monday.
I am going to read some more today and am listening to some great music I ahve ripped to my hard drive. I now have a nice computer with a great speaker system on it and it sounds great listening to the music I have here.
I will try and get some laundry done either today or tomorrow since I need some nice shirts for the weekend as well.


Really tired today

I have been really tired today. I don't know if the past 11 weeks are catching up with me and just need the rest or if I have not been getting enough sleep at night and not taking a nap in the afternoon. I have been trying to eat better and there have been many days that I have not accomplished this at all.
I have taken the rest of the week off other than maybe doing some laundry on Saturday morning for just me. I started reading a book this morning and ahve read three of the 10 cd's that are in this book. I have enjoyed what I have read and am going to go to bed earlier or at least try to do that after we get home from church tonight.
I think that not only am I physically exhausted, but mentally and emotionally too. I have been running really hard since Sue died getting all of the stuff out of the house and sheds as well as getting all of the paperwork done and submitted and I think that has just taken a huge toll, so I am just going to do things for me for the next couple of days and then get back into my normal routine on Monday.


Not looking forward to this evening

I am not looking forward to this evening when I will be attedning a memorial service for our mission coordinator. It has been jsut about 11 weeks since I laid Sue to rest and frankly I am not looking forward to a funeral service. I knwo that I need to go because of the friendship that we shared and how Tom and Debbie so supported me when Sue died, so I need to go and will be going and am sure that they will know that I am not really comfortable being there too.
I am fortunate because i will be going with one of our team members that I don't know as well as I would like to, but think we will have a good time traveling together and I am looking forward to that.


Feeling a little blah today

I am feeling a little blah today. I don't know if it is thefact that I am going to my friend's memorial service tomorrow or the fact that I ate too much sugar and carbohydrates yesterday and am just dragging. It was one of those don't care days and I ate more junk than I should have and I think that got me into trouble. I do this to myself periodically and it alwyas gets me into trouble and has let me know that kind of sugar is definitely something that I desperately need to leave alone or at least just have a few bites of and leave it.
I am not looking forward to attending my friend's memorial service tomorrow. I know that I need to go because how well he supported Sue, me and the rest of our team and know I need to openly support his wife and the rest of his family. It has only been a little over 10 weeks since I laid Sue to rest and this is going to be really hard, but it needs to be done too. I think once the service gets dgoing, I will be all right and will make it through. One of our team members is going to come and pick me up and I am definitely looking forward to riding with Charles and getting to know him better too and will enjoy that and I have a feeling that Major will enjoy the trip too. He travles well and will be a great help too.


The grave marker is down

I got a call this afternoon from the cemetery telling me that the grave marker was laid down this morning and I ahve real mixed feelings. I feel like I really need to go and see it but don't want to see it if that makes any sense at all. I know that it is the finality of the thing and I know that Sue is not there but it is her resting place too and I am trying to preserve her memory to the best of my ability and I need to at least go there on occasions.
I am going to get the cemetery to place flowers for me and just bill it to the credit card and that will work and then I won't have to go and find them. If they will put a spring bouqet that is mostly pink will really work. She loved roses and pink was her favorite. I really do miss her and just have a problem not wanting to go by the grave as well.


Feeling a little blah tonight

I am feeling just a little blah tonight. I am tired and a little disappointed that my brother won't be down until tomorrow evening, but we will get by too. I know that tomorrow is Mother's Day and i am sure that has a lot to do with it too. I am sure that Sue's mom is going to have a really hard day too especially since she lost her daughter, son and husband all in the space of two years. I know how hard it has been losing Sue and can only imnagine what she has been through.
I am looking forward to spending time tomorrow at my parents house and that will be good too and my sister is providing dinner, and she can really cook like I cannot.
I know that she enjoyes it where I just do it to get by, even though I now have the new stove that I have not tried yet and if I can get my but going in the morning early enough, I am going to try and make a pot of grits. I have some really great stone ground grits and they are great cooked on the stove. I have some sausage dogs in the refrigerator or I have some chicken strips in the freezer that would be good too. I think I will get some eggs the next time I am in the store so I can have grits and eggs, what a great combination.


A great memory

I had a great memory surface this morning. I was scanning the dial here this morning and when I scanned across WMHK, I heard I will Be Here by Steven Curtis Chapman. Now you have to understand taht this was mine and Sue's song and I sang it to her as I put her ring on her hand in our wedding nearly ten years ago. I smiled as I remembered how great it was and how much she enjoyed it and cried all at the very same time. It was a great memory and if I am married again, I will find something suitable for me and my new bride and make those memories as well.


Two months today

It has been two months exactly since I lost my beloved Sue. In many ways it still seems like yesterday and then in some senses, it seems like an eternity. I will always love her and will always cherish and preserve her memory, but things are getting easier on most days, even though I still have my moments and always will.
I am going to take care of the life insurance to the bank today and take care of the cemetery as well and in the next few days, the grave marker will be laid down and I know that I have to see it, even though I really do not want to see it. I am not planning on going to church at all on Sunday and that is just fine with me because it is Mother's Day and I know that my mother-in-law is grieving too and I just cannot handle going to church this year on Mother's Day and also know that God definitely understands as well.


Frustrated with the insurance

I am a little frustrated with the insurance company. I got two checks last week and one did not take out for the cemetery, so now I am going to have to go and deposti the checks and then wait for them to clear and post to my account and then give the cemetery a check before they will lay the marker down on Sue's grave. I spent a bit of time yesterday afternoon tracking stuff down and the last of the checks will come from the retirement system and we still have one more thing to send them before I get that check, so the maze of paperwork goes on. I am really ready for all of this to be over and done with and am just tired out. I really need to stay busy and am planning on going to exercise for a little bit before I even start my laundry that I need to do, but don't want to do it too.
I guess I am a little unmotivated and I am sure that this goes with the territory too, what a pain in the rear end.


Frustrated with church

I am really frustrated with church at Forest Lake. I dearly love the people and John has a pastor's heart, but the sermons are leaving me lacking and the spirit of God has left the place and I just don't know what to do about it. I am frustrated enough not to go anymore and was bored out of my mind this morning. It is like John won't prepare and just rambles. Sue and I left the church shortly after we got married because there was nothing there for us and we were not getting fed at all and I am loving Chrysalis so much and am really getting fed spiritually there and that is really important to me at this point in my life right now. I need the fellowship of people closer to my age and also need the spiritual feeding that I have been getting from David in his messages that I know that he is really agonizing and praying over as well. I love his spirit and his vision for the church and Forest Lake seems to have that same old church mentality and that is really sad because that kind of attitude really just drives people away rather than keeping or drawing them to the church.

It is finally over

All of the people coming over and getting stuff out of the sheds and house is finally over. Ruth Ann, Scott, Rhonda and her dad Ronnie came over yesterday and finally got the rest of the stuff out of the sheds and I got my treadmill. It was a really bitter-sweet time seeing much of that stuff going especially the bedroom suite that was Sue's grandma's, but I got on the treadmill after I got some lunch and after everyone left and that felt good. I really felt kind of numb and listless, but the exercise did me good and worked out really hard between the treadmill and the bike and that felt good and will definitely be doing more of that too.