Finally getting somewhere

I am finally getting somewhere with the Coroner's office. My accountant called a friend of hers that is one of the deputy coroner's and they are going to list cardiomyopathy as the cause of death and all we are waiting on now is the toxicology report and hopefully we will have that by the end of this week or the first of next week. This really makes me feel better. I still hate the fact that Sue is dead and died from something that might have beenn prevented, but we had no idea what she was really going through at the time and it took a friend calling in a favor from another friend to get someone off of their ass, and that is really sad, but is life too.
I will be finally happy to get the death certificate because then I can go ahead and start the life insurance process and everything else that I need to do to get all of my benefits as well as the banking stuff and even the stuff with the house, trailer and the car as well.

Finally peace and quiet

It is finally quiet and peaceful here in the house. Sue's mom and friend have finished working in the apre room and are out of my hair now and it is finally quiet here now and I can go and relax. I appreciate them wanting to help, but just want to be left alone and there is not much that really needs to be done now and we can just leave things in the house alone for a while too. I kow that the boys are coming over Thursday after school to load stuff out of the small shed and that is fine because they can do what Grandma wants them to do and I can hide if I feel like it too.
I guess I am just ready to be left alone and am looking for someone to maybe date and be able to do stuff with rather than have to deal iwth some of this stuff here in the house.

Really frustrated

I am really frustrated and think that maybe I have figured out why I am not sleeping well now and I have pent up frustrations. I am still feeling like well meaning people are wanting to come over and do this that and the other and I really do not feel like messing right now and would just as soon that they leeave me the hell alone. I have not had many moments of real peace since Sue died and frankly as much as I want someone to date and have companionship with, I am tired of people coming in my house, messing and then not telling me where they are putting things and I just do not feel like or even want to mess right now. I could care less how it looks right now and if they can get into the spare room then leave the blasted boxes for right now. If they want to workin the shed this weekend, then go right ahead, but stay out of the house right now because I am tired and in a really bad mood because I feel like mom and Sue's mom right now want to do what they feel needs to be done or doing what they want to get done and I am not being asked, I am being told and frankly I am sick of it and just want to be left alone.
I guess I just needed to put this down on paper and need to be more vocal about it, even though I may have to do it in a really nice way.


Really tired

I am really tired today because I woke up around 3:30 and finally around 4:00 decided to take a Xanex to calm me down. I just wonder if my body is getting to used to the Ambien and is not being really effective right now too. I have been kind of groggoy all day long and dozed off watching the truck race this afternoon, so have decided to get up and just mess around a little bit. I am going to the mountains this weekend for a few days and think that will be fun as well.
I just need to get out of town because right now I think I might be bored or just a little depressed right now and the change of scenery might be nice too.
I am just ready to get on with life and just see where things go as well.I also was able to go ahead and pay off the other grave site this morning and that felt good taking care of that as well. I know that Sue would be really proud of me and am really happy that has already been accomplished as well.


A great service last night

We had nother great service at Chrysalis last night and I am so excited about David's vision to not only church the Christians like me that are basically disenfranchised with the traditional church, but to bring in the unlovely and broken that the traditional church has abandoned. I really think we ahve something and exciting there and believe it or not, the pastor's wife Theresa is already match making and one girl in particular would not be a bad one to date. I am not looking to date, but if she came around, I would like it. I am not looking to get married right yet, but long for great female companionship like I had with Sue. It still seems really strange not wearing my wedding ring, but I really feel that the more I was looking at it, the more I was wallowing in my grief. I know I will always grieve for my sweet Sue, but also know that she would want me to go on and be happy and continue the work we were doing with the Lay Mission team as well.
Any girl I date and possibly marry will have to partner with me in the Lay Witness Mission program. It is in my blood and this is one more way to go into the church and show them that not only are we not professional ministry people, we are just like them and are giving them a fresh perspective on their particular church and it is a really awesome thing and program too.
I am looking forward to going out to mom and dad's after church at Forest Lake this morning. I hope that the service there is a little better this morning because I am not getting the feeding like David is doing at Chrysalis. I think that is why that church is dying too.


Tired of being single

I am just sick of being single right now. If I had not been married for the last 9 1/2 years it would not feel so bad because I was used to it and think my brother who is divorced can easily understand too. I know that more than likely it is too early to be thinking about dating again, but I miss being married and the companionship of my wife as well as the sexual part too.
I still desire to have a wife and children and God is the only one who is going to take that desire away from me too. I am definitely looking forward to going to church tonight and I like the fact that it is mostly people around my age and believe it or not, a good many of them happen to be single too, but that is not the reason I am attending.
I also took my wedding band off today because frankly it was really loose on my finger and it also hurts too badly to look at it right now because it is really reminding me of what I had with Sue. I love her still and always want to preserve and honor her memory. I think that I can grieve and maybe start to heal a little better by not always being reminded that I just lost my angel three weeks ago.


I woke up too early

I woke up way too early this morning. I went to bed around 11:00 and about 4:30 I woke up and managed to stay in the bed until 5:00 and am now up and drinking coffee. I was really hoping to make it to 6:00 but that just waasn't the case and I am sure that it has something to do with not taking thte Ambien last night. I was really sleepy and knew that I needed to try it and maybe should have taken a Xanex. I know that today is going to be emotionally trying too since it has been exactly three weeks since I dound my best friend face down on the bathroom floor and that image still fills my mind occasionally when I go into our bathroom and for that reason, I have found it really hard to use that toilet too, but I also know that with a lot of prayer and God's help, that is something zI am just going to have to face as well.
I had a wierd dream as well and may be this was God's way of telling me that He knows that I am hurting and that He is here with me and will help me through it all too.


Feeling down

I am really feeling down and am just really tired frigh now. I am sure that it is emotional tiredness and I am ready for the rollercoaster to end, even though Iknow that won't be happening anytime soon.
I am just tired and frustrated and finding out that it is still going to be some time before I get the death certificate really did not help. I really miss my wife and it is way too quiet here int he house too.
I enjoyed watching tv with her in the evenings, especially on Thursday night and I am jsut kind of bored tonight.

A little frustrated

I am a little frustrated with the delay in getting the autopsy. I would have thought after nearly three weeks I would have had it back by now and do not. I am really frustrated witht he fact that it could take three months to get a death certificate when I have things that absolutely have to be done and cannot be completed until I have the death certificate with the cause of death on it. I know that what we have now is a pending cause of death but that just is not cutting it too.

Really tired this morning

I am really tired this morning. I think it is more emotional than anything else. I think going to the school on Monday really took more out of me than I thought and then yesterday I really got into things with my mom because I was tired and frustrated with being just pushed into doing things here in the house that frankly need to wait. I am still emotionally overwhelmed and she thinks things ahve to be done now when in actuality, they can wait and many of the things she wants to do can wait. She just does not understand because her husband, even though he is in bad health is still alive, and I have a feeling that given the same set of circumstances, she would feel the very same way that I do, so she just needs to back off and cannot stand it when I stand up to her because everything is her way or the highway and I just do not work that way and she knows it.
I slept ok until about 4:30 and then slept until 5:30 and listened to the radio until 6:00 when I got up and went to the bathroom and just decided to stay up and now could definitely use a good nap too.
I am definitely looking forward to the weekend so that I can just chill out and just be here. I know that tomorrow is going to be hard and like my dietician told me last week, every Friday for a while is going to be really hard and by God's grace I will get through it all.


Reflecting on Sue

I was talking to a really close friend a little while ago and was talking about Sue and I started reflecting on her. I am really missing her and am keeping music in the house on because I am lonely and really miss being married to her. I am not only missing the physical contact I had with her, but I am a sexual being and I miss the sex too, and I want it really badly.
I was reflecting why I fell in love with her and she was one of the most loving people I have ever met in my life and it did not matter that I could not see or not and even when I lost my vending route, she never pushed me to get another job because she knew that I had my disability and I was still contributing to the household too. I really miss seeing her interact with our nieces and nephews because she had a gift of interacting with kids better than anyone else I have ever met and I know that her love for kids came as a teen-ager and I know that something inside of her died when she had utirine cancer and had to have a total hysterectomy several years ago. She had to let her dream die of having a family and we were not able to adopt like we had planned and hoped as well, and I know that did something to her and always wanted to be around especially the younger nieces and nephews.
She had a love for teaching as well. It was her calling and her profession. I know that she got really aggravated with all of the politicss of the school system, but I can never remember a time when she wanted to give up teaching. She was good at it and brought it home most of the time and there were many times when I wished that she could have left it at the school, but that was Sue.
She was never a great housekeeper and I think that she was so depressed that at times she just did not care, but we are working on that too and the house looks really nice right now too.
I know that I was running90 miles an hour today and in some ways that is good, but I really needed to slow down and really give myself time to breathe and remember my sweet angel.
I found out yesterday that the grave marker sketch came back and the angel we picked out looks great and will be put down by Mother's Day, and I cannot wait to put flowers on it too.

Some good news

I got some good news yesterday after having an emotionally charged day. The cemetery called me and told me that finally the sketch of the grave marker had come back and it looked great. The first sketch had gotten screwed up by the company the palce uses and we were not happy at all and what we had originally chosen had not been sketched, but we chose a different angel to be the center piece and emblem and it turned out great.
The marker should be in place by Mother's Day and hopefully I will have the death certificate by then too. I am a little frustrated that it is taking so long to get it, but I guess that there is nothing I can do about the autopsy taking nearly three months too.
I did get my new phone yesterday and it is a piece of junk and will be talking it back to the store tomorrow to exchange it for something that will not only work but will be easier for me to use as well.
I am still battling loneliness at night and it is just too quiet and have been talking to my friends a good bit and that seems to be helping too and am hoping that today will be a great day. At least I am having coffee and that always starts the day off right even if the rest of the day goes to crap.


Really tired tonight

I am really tired tonight and think that some of the emotional stress has caught up with me too. I had a great day yesterday and today and have been going 90 miles an hour and that may be part of it too.
I had a great day going out to my parent's house for lunch and watched most of the race with my dad and that was great and then we came back home and I dozed just about all of the way home, so I guess I needed the nap. I had supper and now am just chilling out on the computer and am going to have some banana pudding that a very sweet lady made for me last week and man let me tell you, that stuff is great. I hope that the Amazing Race is on tonight instead of basketball and then I might just go to bed early. My mother-in-law and I are going to take a large box of books and the keys for the school back to them tomorrow around lunch time and that is going to be kind of hard too, but will get through it. I know that this is all part of grieving and getting through it all.

A new church visited

I went to a new church last night and it was great. It was contemporary and casual, but unlike most churches I have ever been to because the church in my opinion has not been the place of refuge it was intended to be. The people were really warm and I was accepted for who I was and most of the people there were my age and we had quite a few kids as well.
I desperately needed that kind of fellowship and atmosphere since the death of my wife two weeks ago and the pastor's message was really timely for what I am experiencing right now too.
I am definitely planning on going back and it definitely lifted my spirits and my silly Labrador who stole the show did not hurt things too.


I miss my wife

I think that this says it all. I really miss my sweet angle. It has been two weeks since she passed away and it has been some of the worst and best days of my life. I am so amazed at my family and friends who dropped everything and came running and I so appreciate that, but I still miss being married. This adjusting back to single life really sucks, but I also know that God allowed it for some odd reason that I may never see until I get to Heaven.
I know that she is no longer hurting and know that she was depressed for quite some time and now she is whole and is with her brother and dad. It still hurts and the thought of having to go intot he bathroom where I found my wife lying on the floor face down already dead is still pretty hard to take and even going by the grave has been hard, but is something that i need and definitely want to do so that I can preserve her memory.
I remember the good memories and found the music box from the flowers I sent her for Valentine's Day and that really brought a smile to my face knowing how much she loved that and how much fun I had surprising her and not letting her know what Cynthia and I were up to and that was so much fun and would do it again in a heartbeat as well.
I know that in time, my heart will really heal and have to go through what I am going through now and God and my family and friends will definitely carry me through


A lot accomplished

I was able to get a lot accomplished yesterday. I got the paperwork for the extension of the health insurance done and submitted as well as we were able to go ahead and draw up the paperwork for the life insurance as well as getting it signed and now all I need is the death certificate and cannot get that until the autopsy is completed.
I really feel good about what I have been able to accomplish and I think that Sue wold be really proud of the decisions I am making and have already made. I went ahead and purchased the grave site beside hers and hopefully it will not be used anytime soon, but thought that it would be a great investment and some day want to be laid to rest beside my beloved angel.
I am still coughing a bit and think I may call the doctor's office i the morning to see if he can call something else in to get rid of this nasty bronchitis as well.


A major accomplishment

We made a major accomplishment today. Mom and I got all of the unwanted and unneeded food out of the house today and took it to a local food bank. I could not believe it weighted so much and it was really good to get it out of the way.
I found out this morning that it might be as long as four months to get the death certificate because it may take the autopsy that long to be completed. It really makes me mad that it could take that long and I see no reason why it should even begin to take that long and think that it is bureaucratic double talk.
This really has everything else on hold and I am waiting to hear from my renter this week because it is getting close to the end of the month and I have not received any rent from him and he had better not start doing what he did last year because if he starts, I will serve him notice that he has so many days to get caught up and then I will evict him and get rid of the trailer however I have to and that even includes having it foreclosed on, even though that is the last resort. I am sure that it will all work out, I am just royally overwhelmed at this point too.


My week from Hell

It has been my week from hell. I lost my angel last Friday morning and my life has not been the same since. It has been a really hard pill for me to swallow. I know that God allowed it for some odd reason, but I just want people to put their arms around me instead of hearing all of the churchy crap I have been hearing.
I really enjoyed being married and we had 9 1/2 good years of marriage and would loved to have had 9 1/2 more, but there was a reason for it somewhere too.
I have really cried more today and let my emotions out more today than I have since she passed away on me.
I would never wis this on anyone and have really appreciated the efforts of my friends and family members to help with the house and just to keep me going.


Really tired today

I am really tired out today and think that it is because I did not sleep well last night and that might be because Sue has had the flu all week long and withher not sleeping well, I have not slept well. I made her go to the doctor this morning and she has to go for a follow up on Tuesday afternoon, so we will definitely see what happens there too. We got Chinese afterwards and I have eaten some and now feel like I am about to starve again, but am going to wait for a while before I eat more of what we got for lunch and supper.
I really hope that she gets to feeling better soon and that maybe we can both sleep well tonight. At least the weather is warming up and I really like that too.


Feeling a little blah

This cloudy and rainy weather has got me feeling a little blah. I guess I am just tired of all of the stress that Sue has been bringing home and the weather really does not help too. We are expecting snow and frankly I am hoping that it doesn't, but looks like it is going to and I know that if it does, Sue will be home again tomorrow and I am not really sure if I am ready for that too.