I am feeling really stressed out this morning. I think that much of it is coming from my family. This past year has not been an easy one, but it is what it is. Between Sue dying, dad being so incredibly ill and this stupid blood clot, I am emotionally stressed out.
I would love to see my mother give dad permission to die because I dread going out to the house and am only doing it for him. I would have a really hard time forgiving myself if I did not take every opportunity I ahve to go and see him. It is really hard since I do not and cannot drive, so when someone can take me, I go. I know that he is going to die soon because his poor body is just shutting down and mom is absolutely driving us all nuts. I realize that they have been married to each other for over half of their lives and are so co-dependent on each other that it scares me at times. She is living in a fantasy world right now and needs to give him permission to go ahead and die whether or not it happens soon or no. I really think that he is waiting on her to do that and just wish that she would actually live her faith instead of the Pollyanna world that I am hearing come out of her mouth. am so sick and tired of the churchese and the Christianese that I could litterally throw up. I feel like it is being shoved down my throat and not really being lived like it is being claimed to be and it just makes me want to say shut up and get over it. I am also to the point where I do not want to go to church because I hear the same thing where I have been going and it is like a social club instead of a spiritual church, and I can deal with that just watching ESPN and drinkingmy coffee as well.
I just do not know what to do and am sick and tired of feeling stresseed. My dietician let me spill this morning and I desperately needed that. I realize that much of my eating this past year has been emotional and am working really hard to eat when I am truly hungry and to keep my protein up. I am really starting to revamp my thinking with the treadmill as well. It has really kicked my butt and the way that I walked on it this morning truly helped. I went 12 minutes on a fairly slow pace and found my self going faster than I thought I would. I guess I am trying to push things and not just going with the flow. I have been trying that on the bike and am trying to alternate days when riding and walking. I think that will serve me well and am not going to spend hours at atime like some people have been known to do, but it keeps me staying active and healthy and I may lose the weight I ganed in the process.