Felling blah

I feel really blah today and have a feeling that it is because I am facing going into the new year without Sue. I really do miss her and feel really blah like I just don't want to do anything or go anywhere, and I guess that this is a natural feeling.
I will more than likely watch football tonight and then go to bed and may not even stay up to watch the ball drop, or if I do, I will see it drop and then go to bed.
I am really hoping that 2010 will be a much better year and we can get rid of much of the family trauma that we have dealt with this year.

Depressed this morning

I am kind of depressed this morning. My sister called me around 5:45 telling me that my dad was at the emergency room again and his pneumonia is back with a vengence. It looks like Christmas is going to be spent up at the hospital again and this is not the way I wanted to spend Christmas. I wish that I were in the Bahamas right now and could just disappear. I knew that it was going to be much harder this year because of Sue not being here, but this is getting ridiculous. I know that daddy cannot help it and I cannot help feeling the way that I do and am just praying that God would go ahead and take him home and just let him out of his misery. I think that this would be so much easier on my mom in the long run and the rest of the family even though they do not know it.
When I die, I want to just go like Sue did and not have my family have to worry and watch me die like we have been doing with dad for the past several months. It is just emotionally wiping everyone out and we need a break.

Really wrung out

I feel really wrung out today. Dad is still in the hospital and it looks like this is the end of his life. It has only been a little over nine months since I lost Sue and now am having to deal with all of this emotionally and humanly it is almost more than I can handle. Dad has had a great life and he is a great man and has been a great role model not as a father but as a husband to my mother and after looking at their marriage, I see all of the mistakes I made in my marriage and am praying that I get that second chance.
I miss Sue right now and have told her several times lately I am mad at her for leaving me because I really could use the comfort of her arms right now too.
I know that God is with us all and int he coming days will be with us more than ever, but it doesn't mean that I am really hurting right now and am really chrishing my friends and family right now.

A stressful week

This has been one really stressful week. If I don't see the insdie of a hospital again for a while, it will never hurt my feelings and can only imagine how my dad feels. His Parkinsons disease has been in full force and we had no idea that he was not getting the balance of nutrition that he so desperately needed and that caused all of his medicines to back up into his liver and then once he started getting the nutrition he despeartely needed, his body started metabolizing the meds and he started overdosing on them and that really started the problems we saw earlier this week when we thought he was gone. He is still not out of the woods and will be getting the peg for the permanent feeding tube in the morning and that will be a good thing. Now if my mom will chill out a little bit and start listening to the four of us and even the doctors, things will not be quite as stressful. I know she loves my dad and I highly commend her for the way she is taking care of him, but it has gotten to the point of being over obsessive and possessive and that is causing problems not only within the family, but with the doctors there in the hospital as well and am happy to see that a couple of the doctors are really taking charge with her and are telling her that this si the way that it has to be.

Really overwhelmed

I feel really overwhelmed and stressed this morning. I think it comes from the fact that we are having church here in my house tonight and just don't feel ready. I have been wondering since last night if I should go to Forest Lake this morning because we normally get out so late and then it will be a rush to get back home and then get things polihsed for church tonight. I just feel like taking a nap right now and clearing my mind, but at the same time I feel like I don't have time and on top of everything else, mom called me right about 8:00 to invite me to lunch. I really wish that that she would not wait to the very last minute to invite me. I had to tell her no because there is just n o way I can go to Forest Lake and then go to her house and then come back here in time for getting the house ready to worship.
I am just praying that God calms me down a little bit and know that it will be all right. I am a little nervous about tonight because I know we will be talking about where the church is headed and I am afraid that there are going to be some hard things shared since our pastor has decided to abandon us and I really do not want to hurt his lovely wife Theresa in the process as well.

Tired tonight

I think that the subject line says it all. My mother-in-law and a friend of hers were here this morning and most of the day and they did get a lot accomplished and they even found the original copies of the wills and wished that I had been able to find them back in March when I needed the original copy of Sue's will.
I am just hanging out for the weekend and am looking forward to having church here on Sunday night as well.

Utterly exhausted this afternoon

For some odd reason I feel really cynical tonight. I ahve been seeing too many posts from non genuine two faced people and I am just sick of it. I think that the last straw was something i saw from "well meaning friend" that sounded churchy and I think I just lost it.
I am so sick and tired of people that say one thing and then do antoher and that even includes the church. If you say something, then for goodness sake, mean it and not come off looking or sounding pompous and two faced.
I guess I just needed to get this off of my chest before I went to bed.