Frustrated tonight

I am really frustrated tonight. I laid down with a book to put me to sleep like they normally do and am wide awake. I took the Melatonein and am still very much wide awake and do not like it. I am planning on refilling my Ambian as early as I can in the morning and seeing if a friend of mine can go and pick it up for me. This is crazy and I really thought I was ready to go to bed and now that I ahve gone, sleep will not come and that just frustrates the heck out of me as well.
I am definitely planning on calling Kathy my counselor first thing in the mroning and am tempted to call her tonight and leave her a message on her phone so that she will see it when she comes in in the mroning to see if she can give me some really good avice.
I know God knows what is going on and has won the victory but am so tired of all of this and am really ready for the roller coaster to be all over and done with and I really need to be rested when the field representative from the school comes on Thursday as well.

Feeling blah

I feel really wiped out and blah today. I feel like I did right after Sue died and do not like that feeling at all. I am sleepy and feel like someone beat me up and have done nothing other than been through tremendous trauma over the past nearly 16 months. I almost wonder if I am really in depression and don't really realize it. I miss Sue so much and would love to be in a healthy dating relationship but the ones I have seen other than maybe my friend Tracy are unhealthy and would take me downa a path that think would lead me to deeper depression than I am already feeling and really do not need to go anywhere near there.
I am nervous and scared about starting grief counseling tomorrow. I think it is the fear of talking to someone that I have never met other than talking to them on the phone and sharing me with them and seeing if they can help me, it will definitely be interesting and hopefully can really help as well.

I think I have been depressed

I came to the realization this afternoon that I think I have been more depressed more than I would have ever admitted to. I know that death of my dad coupled with the death of Sue last year has really done something to me and God really revealed that to me today. I am still seeking the fellowship of a lady and started talking to someone last night that I could fall in love with. Dana is still young enough to have children and she is looking for someone who is a Christian and just wants to be loved like I want and need to be loved and that is for who she is and not what she can become. It is a shame that she lives in Richmond, but that can be worked around as well if it is meant to be and God is in it.
I talked to her for over an hour last night and we both shared with each other via email that we were people that we wanted to get to know better and that made me really happy and think it made her as happy. I do not care if who I date or marry is blind or not, I just want to share me with a Christian lady who loves me and loves God and then loves life as well.
I have really missed not only being married but being able to share me with someone and when life has been hard just to be able to hold that person in my arms as well. It will be interesting to see where God is not only taking this relationship but me as well.

Bored today

For some odd reason I seem bored today. I got up, drank coffe and even exercised; but seem blah feeling and cannot necessarily understand why that is. Last night was so much fun at church and really wished that I had had someone that I could have shared it with and maybe that is where my head is this morning. I ahve been praying that God send me a wife to let me continue sharing my life with. I know that I will never have another Sue and I really do not want another Sue, but someone that will love me for who I am and one that loves Christ and lvoes life as well.
Nothing much on tap for the day and that might be good and will be getting laundry done tomorrow so I can pack on Monday so we can go to the mountains. I was really hoping to wait and do laundry on Monday and may still do it.
I will just hang out and watch NASCAR all weekend.

Felling blah tonight

I am just feeling kind of blah tonight and I am not sure why. It has been one month since daddy died and that might be part of it. It seems overly quiet here in the house and actually very lonely in the house tonight. Seeing mom hurt makes me miss my sweet Sue that much more and sometimes like mom, I almost cannot sand it. I am so fortunate to have such great firends and family that have kept me going and am so thankful that I am in the church that I am in right now because I am getting the spiritual meat from the Word that i ahve been craving for so long now. I guess I am having my own little pity party and in some ways I just need to get over it but it is really hard to do some days as well.
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Really bored tonight

I am really bored tonight and am not really sure why other than the fact it is Friday and had no where to go. I know I could have done laundry but did not really feel like messing with even though I am going to have to in the morning because my favorite sports shirt that i wear to church needs to be washed so I can wear it on Sunday.
I have theNationwide race on but have paid little attention to it and that is unusual and just wish that Sue were here, but can do ntohing about that too.
I have really been praying for a girlfriend and that would be great for someone to share my life with and do things with as well and maybe in time God will send that someone that will fill my life.

Beginning to feel better

I believe I am beginning to feel better. I have been exercising more consistently and have been trying to keep my protein up and eat, but eat less at any one time and think that is helping my physical and emotional health. These past few weeks have been torturous on the entire family and it is going to take some real time, but think I am starting to come out of it all. Losing dad felt too much like when I lost Sue, but now that time is passing and i am doing things to not only keep busy, but improve my emotional state and mental state it is really helping.
I enjoy exercising and am doing all of this for me. Call it selfish, but if I don't take care of me, no one is going to to and I have to love me before I can love God or anyone else and cannot help anyone else if I don't love and take care of Lin first. I think as Christians we are sold a bill of goods by feeling and teaching like we have to love ourselves last, because if I don't love the Lin that God created, then how can I love Him or anybody else; I cannot.