I am really bored tonight and am not really sure why other than the fact it is Friday and had no where to go. I know I could have done laundry but did not really feel like messing with even though I am going to have to in the morning because my favorite sports shirt that i wear to church needs to be washed so I can wear it on Sunday.
I have theNationwide race on but have paid little attention to it and that is unusual and just wish that Sue were here, but can do ntohing about that too.
I have really been praying for a girlfriend and that would be great for someone to share my life with and do things with as well and maybe in time God will send that someone that will fill my life.
4/30/10
4/14/10
Beginning to feel better
I believe I am beginning to feel better. I have been exercising more consistently and have been trying to keep my protein up and eat, but eat less at any one time and think that is helping my physical and emotional health. These past few weeks have been torturous on the entire family and it is going to take some real time, but think I am starting to come out of it all. Losing dad felt too much like when I lost Sue, but now that time is passing and i am doing things to not only keep busy, but improve my emotional state and mental state it is really helping.
I enjoy exercising and am doing all of this for me. Call it selfish, but if I don't take care of me, no one is going to to and I have to love me before I can love God or anyone else and cannot help anyone else if I don't love and take care of Lin first. I think as Christians we are sold a bill of goods by feeling and teaching like we have to love ourselves last, because if I don't love the Lin that God created, then how can I love Him or anybody else; I cannot.
I enjoy exercising and am doing all of this for me. Call it selfish, but if I don't take care of me, no one is going to to and I have to love me before I can love God or anyone else and cannot help anyone else if I don't love and take care of Lin first. I think as Christians we are sold a bill of goods by feeling and teaching like we have to love ourselves last, because if I don't love the Lin that God created, then how can I love Him or anybody else; I cannot.
4/10/10
Really tired this morning
I am just tired out this morning and feel like doing nothing at all. I think all of the events from dad's passing and subsequent funeral this week have left me just emotionally drained and feeling a little overwhelmed like I did after Sue died. I guess as much as I don't want to admit it, a part of me died when my daddy did and am having to come to grips with this.
I am going to church in the morning with mom and am not looking forward to getting up as early to go to the early service, but this si the service she enjoys and told her that it was her call and I would definitely go with her. I am in the process right now of looking for a new church home and am waiting to hear from some friends of friends who are supposed to be contacting me about going to a new church over near where I used to live and am really excited about it because I have been listening to some of the sermons from there and it is good stuff and ahve heard really great things about the church. I have decided that if I have not heard anything by the middle of the week, I will give the church a call to see about getting transportation. Surely there is someone that lives near me that could give Major and me transportation to the church.
I think if I go and get on my bike here shortly and ride for a little bit that might help me get a little more motivated as well.
I am going to church in the morning with mom and am not looking forward to getting up as early to go to the early service, but this si the service she enjoys and told her that it was her call and I would definitely go with her. I am in the process right now of looking for a new church home and am waiting to hear from some friends of friends who are supposed to be contacting me about going to a new church over near where I used to live and am really excited about it because I have been listening to some of the sermons from there and it is good stuff and ahve heard really great things about the church. I have decided that if I have not heard anything by the middle of the week, I will give the church a call to see about getting transportation. Surely there is someone that lives near me that could give Major and me transportation to the church.
I think if I go and get on my bike here shortly and ride for a little bit that might help me get a little more motivated as well.
3/28/10
Feeling groggy this morning
I am feeling froggy this morning. I went to bed right at 11:00 and got up at 5:15 and went to the bathroom because my bladder was about to bust and have been up since then. I would have thought that the caffeine from the coffee would have kicked in by now and I guess that the stress of everything going on with dad is really catching up to me now. I am getting ready to go to church and then out to mom and dad's. I ahve not heard how he is doing this morning but am still really concerned and am really frustrated with mom right now too and that may be adding to the emotional stress.
I realize that she is doing the best that she can, but there are times that she is frankly being a martyr and if daddy really knew what she was doing to herself, he would be horrendously upset with her and would tell her so.
I am hoping that Sunday School will be good because the church frankly is dead and I need a break but don't think I can really do something until dad passes away and then I will look for a larger church that has some sort of singles ministry as well. I feel like it needs to be something relatively close as well, so we will just wait and see.
I realize that she is doing the best that she can, but there are times that she is frankly being a martyr and if daddy really knew what she was doing to herself, he would be horrendously upset with her and would tell her so.
I am hoping that Sunday School will be good because the church frankly is dead and I need a break but don't think I can really do something until dad passes away and then I will look for a larger church that has some sort of singles ministry as well. I feel like it needs to be something relatively close as well, so we will just wait and see.
3/18/10
Feeling really stressed
I am feeling really stressed out this morning. I think that much of it is coming from my family. This past year has not been an easy one, but it is what it is. Between Sue dying, dad being so incredibly ill and this stupid blood clot, I am emotionally stressed out.
I would love to see my mother give dad permission to die because I dread going out to the house and am only doing it for him. I would have a really hard time forgiving myself if I did not take every opportunity I ahve to go and see him. It is really hard since I do not and cannot drive, so when someone can take me, I go. I know that he is going to die soon because his poor body is just shutting down and mom is absolutely driving us all nuts. I realize that they have been married to each other for over half of their lives and are so co-dependent on each other that it scares me at times. She is living in a fantasy world right now and needs to give him permission to go ahead and die whether or not it happens soon or no. I really think that he is waiting on her to do that and just wish that she would actually live her faith instead of the Pollyanna world that I am hearing come out of her mouth. am so sick and tired of the churchese and the Christianese that I could litterally throw up. I feel like it is being shoved down my throat and not really being lived like it is being claimed to be and it just makes me want to say shut up and get over it. I am also to the point where I do not want to go to church because I hear the same thing where I have been going and it is like a social club instead of a spiritual church, and I can deal with that just watching ESPN and drinkingmy coffee as well.
I just do not know what to do and am sick and tired of feeling stresseed. My dietician let me spill this morning and I desperately needed that. I realize that much of my eating this past year has been emotional and am working really hard to eat when I am truly hungry and to keep my protein up. I am really starting to revamp my thinking with the treadmill as well. It has really kicked my butt and the way that I walked on it this morning truly helped. I went 12 minutes on a fairly slow pace and found my self going faster than I thought I would. I guess I am trying to push things and not just going with the flow. I have been trying that on the bike and am trying to alternate days when riding and walking. I think that will serve me well and am not going to spend hours at atime like some people have been known to do, but it keeps me staying active and healthy and I may lose the weight I ganed in the process.
I would love to see my mother give dad permission to die because I dread going out to the house and am only doing it for him. I would have a really hard time forgiving myself if I did not take every opportunity I ahve to go and see him. It is really hard since I do not and cannot drive, so when someone can take me, I go. I know that he is going to die soon because his poor body is just shutting down and mom is absolutely driving us all nuts. I realize that they have been married to each other for over half of their lives and are so co-dependent on each other that it scares me at times. She is living in a fantasy world right now and needs to give him permission to go ahead and die whether or not it happens soon or no. I really think that he is waiting on her to do that and just wish that she would actually live her faith instead of the Pollyanna world that I am hearing come out of her mouth. am so sick and tired of the churchese and the Christianese that I could litterally throw up. I feel like it is being shoved down my throat and not really being lived like it is being claimed to be and it just makes me want to say shut up and get over it. I am also to the point where I do not want to go to church because I hear the same thing where I have been going and it is like a social club instead of a spiritual church, and I can deal with that just watching ESPN and drinkingmy coffee as well.
I just do not know what to do and am sick and tired of feeling stresseed. My dietician let me spill this morning and I desperately needed that. I realize that much of my eating this past year has been emotional and am working really hard to eat when I am truly hungry and to keep my protein up. I am really starting to revamp my thinking with the treadmill as well. It has really kicked my butt and the way that I walked on it this morning truly helped. I went 12 minutes on a fairly slow pace and found my self going faster than I thought I would. I guess I am trying to push things and not just going with the flow. I have been trying that on the bike and am trying to alternate days when riding and walking. I think that will serve me well and am not going to spend hours at atime like some people have been known to do, but it keeps me staying active and healthy and I may lose the weight I ganed in the process.
3/14/10
Really tired
I am just wonr out this evening. First of all I hate the new time change and ams ure it will take my body several days to get used to this, but think more importantly, I am just emotionally drained. I went back out to mom and dad's today and dad is nobetter and just wish that mom would tell him that it is ok for him to go ahead and die. He is suffering so badly and in some ways I don't think that mom sees it at all.
Between dad not doing well and celebrating Sue's death last weekend, I am emotionally and physically drained and am begging God for the roller coaster to go ahead and end. I am also struggling with what to do about church because John is just not feeding any of us and I am longing for something more than that is there and just don't know what to do about it and am afraid that I am going to hurt feelings, but see no way around it because I have got to start getting fed or there is no reason to go to church, and I don't like that attitude because I need the fellowship and the teaching from the Bible, so who knows what is going on.
I miss my wife and wish that she was here with me to share all of the pain of what seems to be going on with dad. I am sure that I am looking for someone to share my love and life with and just have not seen that too.
Between dad not doing well and celebrating Sue's death last weekend, I am emotionally and physically drained and am begging God for the roller coaster to go ahead and end. I am also struggling with what to do about church because John is just not feeding any of us and I am longing for something more than that is there and just don't know what to do about it and am afraid that I am going to hurt feelings, but see no way around it because I have got to start getting fed or there is no reason to go to church, and I don't like that attitude because I need the fellowship and the teaching from the Bible, so who knows what is going on.
I miss my wife and wish that she was here with me to share all of the pain of what seems to be going on with dad. I am sure that I am looking for someone to share my love and life with and just have not seen that too.
3/13/10
Kind of blah
For some odd reason I feel kind of blah today. It just seems so still and quiet in the house like there is no life here and am not really sure what to do about it. Not much worth watching on tv or on email as well, so we will see what we can get into. I hear the wind really whipping outside of the house and that lets me know that it would not be that great of an idea to go for a walk.
I started my exercise routine back this week and it has tired me out, but definitely feel better getting back into the swing of it as well.
I started my exercise routine back this week and it has tired me out, but definitely feel better getting back into the swing of it as well.
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