For some odd reason I seem bored today. I got up, drank coffe and even exercised; but seem blah feeling and cannot necessarily understand why that is. Last night was so much fun at church and really wished that I had had someone that I could have shared it with and maybe that is where my head is this morning. I ahve been praying that God send me a wife to let me continue sharing my life with. I know that I will never have another Sue and I really do not want another Sue, but someone that will love me for who I am and one that loves Christ and lvoes life as well.
Nothing much on tap for the day and that might be good and will be getting laundry done tomorrow so I can pack on Monday so we can go to the mountains. I was really hoping to wait and do laundry on Monday and may still do it.
I will just hang out and watch NASCAR all weekend.
5/14/10
5/3/10
Felling blah tonight
I am just feeling kind of blah tonight and I am not sure why. It has been one month since daddy died and that might be part of it. It seems overly quiet here in the house and actually very lonely in the house tonight. Seeing mom hurt makes me miss my sweet Sue that much more and sometimes like mom, I almost cannot sand it. I am so fortunate to have such great firends and family that have kept me going and am so thankful that I am in the church that I am in right now because I am getting the spiritual meat from the Word that i ahve been craving for so long now. I guess I am having my own little pity party and in some ways I just need to get over it but it is really hard to do some days as well.
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4/30/10
Really bored tonight
I am really bored tonight and am not really sure why other than the fact it is Friday and had no where to go. I know I could have done laundry but did not really feel like messing with even though I am going to have to in the morning because my favorite sports shirt that i wear to church needs to be washed so I can wear it on Sunday.
I have theNationwide race on but have paid little attention to it and that is unusual and just wish that Sue were here, but can do ntohing about that too.
I have really been praying for a girlfriend and that would be great for someone to share my life with and do things with as well and maybe in time God will send that someone that will fill my life.
I have theNationwide race on but have paid little attention to it and that is unusual and just wish that Sue were here, but can do ntohing about that too.
I have really been praying for a girlfriend and that would be great for someone to share my life with and do things with as well and maybe in time God will send that someone that will fill my life.
4/14/10
Beginning to feel better
I believe I am beginning to feel better. I have been exercising more consistently and have been trying to keep my protein up and eat, but eat less at any one time and think that is helping my physical and emotional health. These past few weeks have been torturous on the entire family and it is going to take some real time, but think I am starting to come out of it all. Losing dad felt too much like when I lost Sue, but now that time is passing and i am doing things to not only keep busy, but improve my emotional state and mental state it is really helping.
I enjoy exercising and am doing all of this for me. Call it selfish, but if I don't take care of me, no one is going to to and I have to love me before I can love God or anyone else and cannot help anyone else if I don't love and take care of Lin first. I think as Christians we are sold a bill of goods by feeling and teaching like we have to love ourselves last, because if I don't love the Lin that God created, then how can I love Him or anybody else; I cannot.
I enjoy exercising and am doing all of this for me. Call it selfish, but if I don't take care of me, no one is going to to and I have to love me before I can love God or anyone else and cannot help anyone else if I don't love and take care of Lin first. I think as Christians we are sold a bill of goods by feeling and teaching like we have to love ourselves last, because if I don't love the Lin that God created, then how can I love Him or anybody else; I cannot.
4/10/10
Really tired this morning
I am just tired out this morning and feel like doing nothing at all. I think all of the events from dad's passing and subsequent funeral this week have left me just emotionally drained and feeling a little overwhelmed like I did after Sue died. I guess as much as I don't want to admit it, a part of me died when my daddy did and am having to come to grips with this.
I am going to church in the morning with mom and am not looking forward to getting up as early to go to the early service, but this si the service she enjoys and told her that it was her call and I would definitely go with her. I am in the process right now of looking for a new church home and am waiting to hear from some friends of friends who are supposed to be contacting me about going to a new church over near where I used to live and am really excited about it because I have been listening to some of the sermons from there and it is good stuff and ahve heard really great things about the church. I have decided that if I have not heard anything by the middle of the week, I will give the church a call to see about getting transportation. Surely there is someone that lives near me that could give Major and me transportation to the church.
I think if I go and get on my bike here shortly and ride for a little bit that might help me get a little more motivated as well.
I am going to church in the morning with mom and am not looking forward to getting up as early to go to the early service, but this si the service she enjoys and told her that it was her call and I would definitely go with her. I am in the process right now of looking for a new church home and am waiting to hear from some friends of friends who are supposed to be contacting me about going to a new church over near where I used to live and am really excited about it because I have been listening to some of the sermons from there and it is good stuff and ahve heard really great things about the church. I have decided that if I have not heard anything by the middle of the week, I will give the church a call to see about getting transportation. Surely there is someone that lives near me that could give Major and me transportation to the church.
I think if I go and get on my bike here shortly and ride for a little bit that might help me get a little more motivated as well.
3/28/10
Feeling groggy this morning
I am feeling froggy this morning. I went to bed right at 11:00 and got up at 5:15 and went to the bathroom because my bladder was about to bust and have been up since then. I would have thought that the caffeine from the coffee would have kicked in by now and I guess that the stress of everything going on with dad is really catching up to me now. I am getting ready to go to church and then out to mom and dad's. I ahve not heard how he is doing this morning but am still really concerned and am really frustrated with mom right now too and that may be adding to the emotional stress.
I realize that she is doing the best that she can, but there are times that she is frankly being a martyr and if daddy really knew what she was doing to herself, he would be horrendously upset with her and would tell her so.
I am hoping that Sunday School will be good because the church frankly is dead and I need a break but don't think I can really do something until dad passes away and then I will look for a larger church that has some sort of singles ministry as well. I feel like it needs to be something relatively close as well, so we will just wait and see.
I realize that she is doing the best that she can, but there are times that she is frankly being a martyr and if daddy really knew what she was doing to herself, he would be horrendously upset with her and would tell her so.
I am hoping that Sunday School will be good because the church frankly is dead and I need a break but don't think I can really do something until dad passes away and then I will look for a larger church that has some sort of singles ministry as well. I feel like it needs to be something relatively close as well, so we will just wait and see.
3/18/10
Feeling really stressed
I am feeling really stressed out this morning. I think that much of it is coming from my family. This past year has not been an easy one, but it is what it is. Between Sue dying, dad being so incredibly ill and this stupid blood clot, I am emotionally stressed out.
I would love to see my mother give dad permission to die because I dread going out to the house and am only doing it for him. I would have a really hard time forgiving myself if I did not take every opportunity I ahve to go and see him. It is really hard since I do not and cannot drive, so when someone can take me, I go. I know that he is going to die soon because his poor body is just shutting down and mom is absolutely driving us all nuts. I realize that they have been married to each other for over half of their lives and are so co-dependent on each other that it scares me at times. She is living in a fantasy world right now and needs to give him permission to go ahead and die whether or not it happens soon or no. I really think that he is waiting on her to do that and just wish that she would actually live her faith instead of the Pollyanna world that I am hearing come out of her mouth. am so sick and tired of the churchese and the Christianese that I could litterally throw up. I feel like it is being shoved down my throat and not really being lived like it is being claimed to be and it just makes me want to say shut up and get over it. I am also to the point where I do not want to go to church because I hear the same thing where I have been going and it is like a social club instead of a spiritual church, and I can deal with that just watching ESPN and drinkingmy coffee as well.
I just do not know what to do and am sick and tired of feeling stresseed. My dietician let me spill this morning and I desperately needed that. I realize that much of my eating this past year has been emotional and am working really hard to eat when I am truly hungry and to keep my protein up. I am really starting to revamp my thinking with the treadmill as well. It has really kicked my butt and the way that I walked on it this morning truly helped. I went 12 minutes on a fairly slow pace and found my self going faster than I thought I would. I guess I am trying to push things and not just going with the flow. I have been trying that on the bike and am trying to alternate days when riding and walking. I think that will serve me well and am not going to spend hours at atime like some people have been known to do, but it keeps me staying active and healthy and I may lose the weight I ganed in the process.
I would love to see my mother give dad permission to die because I dread going out to the house and am only doing it for him. I would have a really hard time forgiving myself if I did not take every opportunity I ahve to go and see him. It is really hard since I do not and cannot drive, so when someone can take me, I go. I know that he is going to die soon because his poor body is just shutting down and mom is absolutely driving us all nuts. I realize that they have been married to each other for over half of their lives and are so co-dependent on each other that it scares me at times. She is living in a fantasy world right now and needs to give him permission to go ahead and die whether or not it happens soon or no. I really think that he is waiting on her to do that and just wish that she would actually live her faith instead of the Pollyanna world that I am hearing come out of her mouth. am so sick and tired of the churchese and the Christianese that I could litterally throw up. I feel like it is being shoved down my throat and not really being lived like it is being claimed to be and it just makes me want to say shut up and get over it. I am also to the point where I do not want to go to church because I hear the same thing where I have been going and it is like a social club instead of a spiritual church, and I can deal with that just watching ESPN and drinkingmy coffee as well.
I just do not know what to do and am sick and tired of feeling stresseed. My dietician let me spill this morning and I desperately needed that. I realize that much of my eating this past year has been emotional and am working really hard to eat when I am truly hungry and to keep my protein up. I am really starting to revamp my thinking with the treadmill as well. It has really kicked my butt and the way that I walked on it this morning truly helped. I went 12 minutes on a fairly slow pace and found my self going faster than I thought I would. I guess I am trying to push things and not just going with the flow. I have been trying that on the bike and am trying to alternate days when riding and walking. I think that will serve me well and am not going to spend hours at atime like some people have been known to do, but it keeps me staying active and healthy and I may lose the weight I ganed in the process.
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