Really down today

I am really feeling down teary today. I think it is the fact that I am finally realizing that Sue is dead and that she is not coming back. I miss her so much and I think I am finally allowing myself to really grieve over her death. I really am tired of this house feeling so quiet and alone and really wish that I had someone here like her to share my life with. I know I should really be grateful for the time that we had together, but I just do not know how to put into words how badly I am hurting right now. I hear stuff on the radio and see people rthat are so much in love that it absolutely hurts to the point where I just don't want to do anything.
I realize now that i am depressed and am going to do something about it, and think that it is finally time to do something. I am sitting here just sobbing and think that is good too.
I am just so tired of existing and i am really grateful for the friends and family members who have so graciously taken me places and have let me just bear my soul to them as well.
I know that there was a reason somewhere for all of this, but I do not see it at all right now and just knowing that I don't makes me ask God to show me the way a little more clearly. I know I seem like I am rambling, but I don't imagine that matters too.

Kind of down

I have been kind of down for the past few days. I think that much of it has to do with Sue's death and then some of it has to do with the crazy and hot weather that we have been having and my sinuses are torn up and maybe even infected.
I have just been down with no energy and have felt like doing nothing but sleeping and reading. I have finished up my last book on cd and may start reading something that is on my Victor Reader Stream as well. I have enjoyed reading more than I have realized even though I still love playing on the computer more than anything else.
I am going to my doctor on Monday to see about getting something for depression and we will just go from there. My friends andfamily have been extremely supportive and definitely understand why I am depressed and have encouraged me to go and get something even if it is something that I need temporarily.
I think it is time for help and right now since the death of my wife and the running around has finished up, I am just spent and the finality of it all has really come crashing down around me and it is time to do something.

A little down tonight

I am feeling a little down tonight. After hearing Pastor Dave's message, I can realize that I have been trying to put up this great front that I am fine and if the truth really be known, many days I am not. I must admit that the good days now definitely outweigh the bad ones, but tomorrow is Father's Day and it is going to be hard looking at all of the Father's around me and not feeling really sad. I really miss my sweet Sue and miss the fact that even though we did not have kids, we were still a family and that is something that I really long to have. God gave me that dream several years ago and Sue and I never were able to have children of our own and were going to adopt, but that never happened too and I know that there was a reason for it too. I still want that family and know that I am still plenty young enough to have children and know that God has not takent hat dream away from me and will hold on to it until He does.
I am just donw because I am lonely and miss my angel.

The House is paid off

I have finally gotten the house paid off. It is a great feeling to live in a paid for house. I ahve never known that feeling before. I just wish that we had decent public transportation that ran out here and that would make things even better, but you cannot have everything. I know that this was not the way I wanted to pay my house off, but I also know that this would be what Sue would have wanted me to do with the money and now it has been done and when the trailer closes hopefully next month, I will be singing one happy tune as well.
Chase should have the check today and then I should get the deed next week sometime and that is a great feeling.

Getting nervous

I am getting a little nervous today. I am sitting here waiting on my mom to get to the house so that we can go to the bank and get a certified check to send to the mortgage company so that I can pay off the house. That will be a great feeling and it is not necessarily the way that i wanted to go about doing it, but I know that this is what Sue would have wanted me to do and am going to go ahead and do it.
I am really excited about the possibility of getting the trailer sold by the end of July as well and that will definitely take many burdens off of me as well, and I can definitely use that right now too.

I think I got my answer

I really think I got my answer about Sunday church. It was so incredibly boring and it was like all of the life had been sucked out of the church. I was never so happy to leave anywhere in such a long time and Sue's mom and I both think that God is about to have to do something to the church because it is just lukewarm and God hates a lukewarm church.
I think I see now that it is time to abaondon ship. I love the people there and there answers to prayer happening, but I need to be fed and it is just not happeneing there and I have been praying for an answer and I may have just seen God answer my prayer in a real and mighty way.

Church was horrible

This morning's church was horrible. I am tired of the boring old traditional junk. If we are going to have Sunday School times two, then it needs to be one service and not this two services stuff and all of the chit-chat that John is doing. I think that my mother-in-law has put her finger on the problema nd we are in a rut and are lukewarm and God is about to puke with us. It was so boring that I really had problems focusing on any kind of worship and if that is the way that it is going to be, then I really do not need to be there. It would be better off if I stayed in the bed if we are going to continue down this path that we have been heading.
I really am hungering for good Bible teaching instead of John using someone else's work and not preparing a thing. I do not know how long it is going to last with this stuff going the way that it is.
I am just wondering if this was the sign that I have been looking for and just need a break. I just do not feel the love and the presence of God like I feel at Chrysalis on Saturday night. There is a love for each other and a hungering and thirsting for God like I have not seen in quite some time and that is so awesome. It has definitely met the need in my life especially where I am right now and that is a great thing as well.