The grave marker is down

I got a call this afternoon from the cemetery telling me that the grave marker was laid down this morning and I ahve real mixed feelings. I feel like I really need to go and see it but don't want to see it if that makes any sense at all. I know that it is the finality of the thing and I know that Sue is not there but it is her resting place too and I am trying to preserve her memory to the best of my ability and I need to at least go there on occasions.
I am going to get the cemetery to place flowers for me and just bill it to the credit card and that will work and then I won't have to go and find them. If they will put a spring bouqet that is mostly pink will really work. She loved roses and pink was her favorite. I really do miss her and just have a problem not wanting to go by the grave as well.

Feeling a little blah tonight

I am feeling just a little blah tonight. I am tired and a little disappointed that my brother won't be down until tomorrow evening, but we will get by too. I know that tomorrow is Mother's Day and i am sure that has a lot to do with it too. I am sure that Sue's mom is going to have a really hard day too especially since she lost her daughter, son and husband all in the space of two years. I know how hard it has been losing Sue and can only imnagine what she has been through.
I am looking forward to spending time tomorrow at my parents house and that will be good too and my sister is providing dinner, and she can really cook like I cannot.
I know that she enjoyes it where I just do it to get by, even though I now have the new stove that I have not tried yet and if I can get my but going in the morning early enough, I am going to try and make a pot of grits. I have some really great stone ground grits and they are great cooked on the stove. I have some sausage dogs in the refrigerator or I have some chicken strips in the freezer that would be good too. I think I will get some eggs the next time I am in the store so I can have grits and eggs, what a great combination.

A great memory

I had a great memory surface this morning. I was scanning the dial here this morning and when I scanned across WMHK, I heard I will Be Here by Steven Curtis Chapman. Now you have to understand taht this was mine and Sue's song and I sang it to her as I put her ring on her hand in our wedding nearly ten years ago. I smiled as I remembered how great it was and how much she enjoyed it and cried all at the very same time. It was a great memory and if I am married again, I will find something suitable for me and my new bride and make those memories as well.

Two months today

It has been two months exactly since I lost my beloved Sue. In many ways it still seems like yesterday and then in some senses, it seems like an eternity. I will always love her and will always cherish and preserve her memory, but things are getting easier on most days, even though I still have my moments and always will.
I am going to take care of the life insurance to the bank today and take care of the cemetery as well and in the next few days, the grave marker will be laid down and I know that I have to see it, even though I really do not want to see it. I am not planning on going to church at all on Sunday and that is just fine with me because it is Mother's Day and I know that my mother-in-law is grieving too and I just cannot handle going to church this year on Mother's Day and also know that God definitely understands as well.

Frustrated with the insurance

I am a little frustrated with the insurance company. I got two checks last week and one did not take out for the cemetery, so now I am going to have to go and deposti the checks and then wait for them to clear and post to my account and then give the cemetery a check before they will lay the marker down on Sue's grave. I spent a bit of time yesterday afternoon tracking stuff down and the last of the checks will come from the retirement system and we still have one more thing to send them before I get that check, so the maze of paperwork goes on. I am really ready for all of this to be over and done with and am just tired out. I really need to stay busy and am planning on going to exercise for a little bit before I even start my laundry that I need to do, but don't want to do it too.
I guess I am a little unmotivated and I am sure that this goes with the territory too, what a pain in the rear end.

Frustrated with church

I am really frustrated with church at Forest Lake. I dearly love the people and John has a pastor's heart, but the sermons are leaving me lacking and the spirit of God has left the place and I just don't know what to do about it. I am frustrated enough not to go anymore and was bored out of my mind this morning. It is like John won't prepare and just rambles. Sue and I left the church shortly after we got married because there was nothing there for us and we were not getting fed at all and I am loving Chrysalis so much and am really getting fed spiritually there and that is really important to me at this point in my life right now. I need the fellowship of people closer to my age and also need the spiritual feeding that I have been getting from David in his messages that I know that he is really agonizing and praying over as well. I love his spirit and his vision for the church and Forest Lake seems to have that same old church mentality and that is really sad because that kind of attitude really just drives people away rather than keeping or drawing them to the church.

It is finally over

All of the people coming over and getting stuff out of the sheds and house is finally over. Ruth Ann, Scott, Rhonda and her dad Ronnie came over yesterday and finally got the rest of the stuff out of the sheds and I got my treadmill. It was a really bitter-sweet time seeing much of that stuff going especially the bedroom suite that was Sue's grandma's, but I got on the treadmill after I got some lunch and after everyone left and that felt good. I really felt kind of numb and listless, but the exercise did me good and worked out really hard between the treadmill and the bike and that felt good and will definitely be doing more of that too.