I am really struggling with something ohter than Sue's death right now. I am involved in a small contemporary church on Saturday nights and love it, but have been going with Sue's mom to her church on Sunda mornings and am hating because it is just dead. The pastor is a great man and has the heart of a pastor, but his preaching leaves much to be desired. he just doesn't prepare and it is Sunday School times two and I am just not getting spiritually fed like I am on Saturday night.
I just do not really know what to do and am praying for an answer. Right now God has not given me clear direction on what to do and that frustrates me too. Like Pastor David, I hate not being in control of a situation and am having to trust God for the decisions I need to make.
6/7/09
Really struggling
I am really struggling with what to do about Sunday church. I really love the people at Forest Lake, but there is nothing there spiritually. I ahve known the pastor for nearly 40 years now and he is a good man with a great heart and he loves people, but he has allowed the church to become stagnant and I am really frustrated with what to do. I love the Saturday night church I have been attending and am getting some opportunities to do ministry opportunites but with Forest Lake, I feel no spirit there at all.
I have been praying to see if it is my attitude or if it is indeed what is going on within the church and it definitely looks like it is the latter. I am really tired of the Sunday School times two and wish that John would let his daughter Joanna teach Sunday School and he would just preach during the worship time. I am sick and tired of all of the book studies he is doing because he just doesn't prepare and think he is taking the easy way out of pastoring a church and think he just needs to retire. It is very obvious to me that his focus is not on the church and on other things that he is involved in and that is just sad and wrong all at the same time.
I have been praying to see if it is my attitude or if it is indeed what is going on within the church and it definitely looks like it is the latter. I am really tired of the Sunday School times two and wish that John would let his daughter Joanna teach Sunday School and he would just preach during the worship time. I am sick and tired of all of the book studies he is doing because he just doesn't prepare and think he is taking the easy way out of pastoring a church and think he just needs to retire. It is very obvious to me that his focus is not on the church and on other things that he is involved in and that is just sad and wrong all at the same time.
6/6/09
Life insurance is here
I got a knock on the door a little while ago and it was the mailman with a certified letter from the Budget and Control Board and that lets me know that the life insurance check I have been looking for is here. It makes things so final, but know that what I am going to do is what Sue would have wanted me to do and that is to pay the house off and that will give me some financial breathing room once the house is paid off and that will definitely happen by the end of the month. I now need to go to the bank and at least put the check into my savings account and then we will go and get a certified check and send it to the mortgage company with the account number and that will be great and even be better once the trailer closes in July as well. My brother called last night and we are going to transfer the insurance and the tag from the Subaru to the Trailblazer this week and then he will get the title from me and I will sign it over to him and then he is going to start making payments to me and that will be great. I really do not need a car right now and it will definitely fit his needs better than the Subaru right now. It has more space and can haul things where the Forrester is not large enough to pull a trailer let alone put more than two or three people in it let alone putting stuff with them in it too.
It is all so final, but am glad that everything is finally coming together and now I can move on with my life. I am fervently praying for a girlfriend now. I really want to share my life with someone of the female persuasion and I know that God has someone for me as well.
It is all so final, but am glad that everything is finally coming together and now I can move on with my life. I am fervently praying for a girlfriend now. I really want to share my life with someone of the female persuasion and I know that God has someone for me as well.
6/5/09
A little down right now
I am just a little down right now. Roz from the school brought out all of Sue's personal stuff that she had in the classroom and that brings real closure and I guess because of that I am a little depressed right now. It makes it that much more final and it needed to be done and I greatly appreciate her coming all the way out here and bringing it, but it still hurts to see it all boxed up like that too.
I know it had to be done and I will see about hooking up the printer and seeing if it will work since the drivers on it should work better with this computer than the printer that I have had for so long too.
I have done pretty well today and even got the house vaccummed like it needed so desperately to be done too.
I know it had to be done and I will see about hooking up the printer and seeing if it will work since the drivers on it should work better with this computer than the printer that I have had for so long too.
I have done pretty well today and even got the house vaccummed like it needed so desperately to be done too.
6/4/09
Kind of bored tonight
I am just kind of bored and blah tonight. I am having real trouble shaking this feeling and feel like the walls are just falling in on me right now. I just do not feel like doing anything and I know that things need to get done. I guess I am going to have to call my PCP and see about him prescribing some anti-depressants. I am bored and feel blah. I am sure that it has to do with Sue's death and all of the being busy with the funeral and getting all of the business of the life insurance and all of the other paperwork finished and now I am finished and it seems like one huge let down and now I am just looking for life to go on andn would love to be dating someone right now too.
I want someone that loves me for who I am and will want to do things too. I don't need to spend a lot of money, just someone that enjoys life and will occasionally like to get out and do fun things. I enjoy just taking a ride or going to a movie or even dinner every now and then. This cooking for one person is a real drag and I know that God has someone in store for me, I am just looking for her right now too.
I want someone that loves me for who I am and will want to do things too. I don't need to spend a lot of money, just someone that enjoys life and will occasionally like to get out and do fun things. I enjoy just taking a ride or going to a movie or even dinner every now and then. This cooking for one person is a real drag and I know that God has someone in store for me, I am just looking for her right now too.
6/3/09
Still really tired
I am still really tired out. I think I might be eating too much sugar and especially refined sugar and that leads to too many carbohydrates. I am sure I am a little depressed as well and know that a lot has gone on since Sue died and I am now coming back down to earth too. I took a Xanex that mom had brought over at one time and maybe that will chill me out. I have only wanted to eat and sleep and that is not necessarily good and I might even be talking to the doctor to see about prescribing me an anti-depressant for the time being because I really feel like I need something there too.
I am only exercising about three days a week right now just to give my body a break and I think that it desperately needs it too.
I am only exercising about three days a week right now just to give my body a break and I think that it desperately needs it too.
6/2/09
Things are finally straight
Things are finally straight with school and I think that I am just drained from all of that drama as well as the mental exhaustion from Sue's death. I really cannot handle any more drama and found out that Sue's assistant lied to me about last Friday and that really hurts. I am not sure why it happened, but needless to say that it did and what she told me really pissed me off and then after talking to Roz, the CRT, I was saddened and hurt and just wonder what kind of agenda Cynthia has right now.
All of that is to say that the stress has really tired me out and I cannot stand any more drama like that and if someone comes up and tries to tell me about it, then I am going to have to say that I don't want to hear it. I have been extremely sleepy these last several days and I think that it is my body just telling me that I need to slow down and not dwell on any of this stuff. God has an amazing way of creating our bodies so that when we overload them, our system starts shutting down and when this happens, it is time for us to take things easy.
I started back exercising yesterday and am going to try and walk ont he treadmill some and then ride the bike some and am going to try and do this three days a week instead of what I was trying to do and that should give my body a little bit of a rest too.
All of that is to say that the stress has really tired me out and I cannot stand any more drama like that and if someone comes up and tries to tell me about it, then I am going to have to say that I don't want to hear it. I have been extremely sleepy these last several days and I think that it is my body just telling me that I need to slow down and not dwell on any of this stuff. God has an amazing way of creating our bodies so that when we overload them, our system starts shutting down and when this happens, it is time for us to take things easy.
I started back exercising yesterday and am going to try and walk ont he treadmill some and then ride the bike some and am going to try and do this three days a week instead of what I was trying to do and that should give my body a little bit of a rest too.
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