Finally getting somewhere

I am finally getting somewhere with the Coroner's office. My accountant called a friend of hers that is one of the deputy coroner's and they are going to list cardiomyopathy as the cause of death and all we are waiting on now is the toxicology report and hopefully we will have that by the end of this week or the first of next week. This really makes me feel better. I still hate the fact that Sue is dead and died from something that might have beenn prevented, but we had no idea what she was really going through at the time and it took a friend calling in a favor from another friend to get someone off of their ass, and that is really sad, but is life too.
I will be finally happy to get the death certificate because then I can go ahead and start the life insurance process and everything else that I need to do to get all of my benefits as well as the banking stuff and even the stuff with the house, trailer and the car as well.

Finally peace and quiet

It is finally quiet and peaceful here in the house. Sue's mom and friend have finished working in the apre room and are out of my hair now and it is finally quiet here now and I can go and relax. I appreciate them wanting to help, but just want to be left alone and there is not much that really needs to be done now and we can just leave things in the house alone for a while too. I kow that the boys are coming over Thursday after school to load stuff out of the small shed and that is fine because they can do what Grandma wants them to do and I can hide if I feel like it too.
I guess I am just ready to be left alone and am looking for someone to maybe date and be able to do stuff with rather than have to deal iwth some of this stuff here in the house.

Really frustrated

I am really frustrated and think that maybe I have figured out why I am not sleeping well now and I have pent up frustrations. I am still feeling like well meaning people are wanting to come over and do this that and the other and I really do not feel like messing right now and would just as soon that they leeave me the hell alone. I have not had many moments of real peace since Sue died and frankly as much as I want someone to date and have companionship with, I am tired of people coming in my house, messing and then not telling me where they are putting things and I just do not feel like or even want to mess right now. I could care less how it looks right now and if they can get into the spare room then leave the blasted boxes for right now. If they want to workin the shed this weekend, then go right ahead, but stay out of the house right now because I am tired and in a really bad mood because I feel like mom and Sue's mom right now want to do what they feel needs to be done or doing what they want to get done and I am not being asked, I am being told and frankly I am sick of it and just want to be left alone.
I guess I just needed to put this down on paper and need to be more vocal about it, even though I may have to do it in a really nice way.

Really tired

I am really tired today because I woke up around 3:30 and finally around 4:00 decided to take a Xanex to calm me down. I just wonder if my body is getting to used to the Ambien and is not being really effective right now too. I have been kind of groggoy all day long and dozed off watching the truck race this afternoon, so have decided to get up and just mess around a little bit. I am going to the mountains this weekend for a few days and think that will be fun as well.
I just need to get out of town because right now I think I might be bored or just a little depressed right now and the change of scenery might be nice too.
I am just ready to get on with life and just see where things go as well.I also was able to go ahead and pay off the other grave site this morning and that felt good taking care of that as well. I know that Sue would be really proud of me and am really happy that has already been accomplished as well.

A great service last night

We had nother great service at Chrysalis last night and I am so excited about David's vision to not only church the Christians like me that are basically disenfranchised with the traditional church, but to bring in the unlovely and broken that the traditional church has abandoned. I really think we ahve something and exciting there and believe it or not, the pastor's wife Theresa is already match making and one girl in particular would not be a bad one to date. I am not looking to date, but if she came around, I would like it. I am not looking to get married right yet, but long for great female companionship like I had with Sue. It still seems really strange not wearing my wedding ring, but I really feel that the more I was looking at it, the more I was wallowing in my grief. I know I will always grieve for my sweet Sue, but also know that she would want me to go on and be happy and continue the work we were doing with the Lay Mission team as well.
Any girl I date and possibly marry will have to partner with me in the Lay Witness Mission program. It is in my blood and this is one more way to go into the church and show them that not only are we not professional ministry people, we are just like them and are giving them a fresh perspective on their particular church and it is a really awesome thing and program too.
I am looking forward to going out to mom and dad's after church at Forest Lake this morning. I hope that the service there is a little better this morning because I am not getting the feeding like David is doing at Chrysalis. I think that is why that church is dying too.

Tired of being single

I am just sick of being single right now. If I had not been married for the last 9 1/2 years it would not feel so bad because I was used to it and think my brother who is divorced can easily understand too. I know that more than likely it is too early to be thinking about dating again, but I miss being married and the companionship of my wife as well as the sexual part too.
I still desire to have a wife and children and God is the only one who is going to take that desire away from me too. I am definitely looking forward to going to church tonight and I like the fact that it is mostly people around my age and believe it or not, a good many of them happen to be single too, but that is not the reason I am attending.
I also took my wedding band off today because frankly it was really loose on my finger and it also hurts too badly to look at it right now because it is really reminding me of what I had with Sue. I love her still and always want to preserve and honor her memory. I think that I can grieve and maybe start to heal a little better by not always being reminded that I just lost my angel three weeks ago.

I woke up too early

I woke up way too early this morning. I went to bed around 11:00 and about 4:30 I woke up and managed to stay in the bed until 5:00 and am now up and drinking coffee. I was really hoping to make it to 6:00 but that just waasn't the case and I am sure that it has something to do with not taking thte Ambien last night. I was really sleepy and knew that I needed to try it and maybe should have taken a Xanex. I know that today is going to be emotionally trying too since it has been exactly three weeks since I dound my best friend face down on the bathroom floor and that image still fills my mind occasionally when I go into our bathroom and for that reason, I have found it really hard to use that toilet too, but I also know that with a lot of prayer and God's help, that is something zI am just going to have to face as well.
I had a wierd dream as well and may be this was God's way of telling me that He knows that I am hurting and that He is here with me and will help me through it all too.