The light at the end of the tunnel

am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel from my ankle surgery that I had in December.  I had severely damaged the ankle in a fall in May 1982 and after having it repaired and spending that summer in a cast thought things were all  right for a few years.   In  1994 I was beginning to have some problems and went to see about it and could have had fusion then, but the kind of fusion I would have needed would have ended with a below the knee amputation once the cast had been removed after three-six months.
I decided to let things alone and just see what happened and in June 2014 while training with Thermo my guide dog in New York I started having problems walking correctly, or more like limping.  After getting worse I got a hold  of a young ankle specialist and after three months of x-raying and other testing On December 8, 2015 I had a full ankle fusion and tibial bone graft on my right ankle.  Since then I have been in one form of a cast or another, including a soft plaster splint, a beautiful Carolina blue fiberglass cast and now a very bulky aircast.  As it stands now since I have only been weight bearing for about one month is that if the wxrays look as good as they did one month ago, Dr. Jackson will consider the ankle healed and will let me start riding my exercise bike again as well as working Thermo my guide dog.  I am assuming I will either be in some sort of light brace or be in a compression brace for my ankle and then the fun part of basically learning how to  walk again on that foot which I already know from taking it out of the aircast periodically that the entire leg is extremely weak, so we will see.  It's just nice to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

16 years ago

I cannot believe that 16 years ago I was about to be married to my soulmate and best friend.  Sue and I were not young, she was 35 and I was 37.  I remember thinking after many failed relationships I would never find the one person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with and when we met, it was literally love at first sight for me.  I think I literally scared her to death when I proposed on our first date, but that's ok too.  We were blessed to have nearly 10 good  years of marriage before she succombed to a fatal heart attack on March 6 2009.  It was a good marriage with only one really major fight.  It was not  perfect, but it was good and would do it again.
  Sue I don't think you have any idea how greatly you are missed.  I have totally rearranged the house, have put out many of my NASCAR collectables you gave me and they are displayed with pride as well as our china, and it actually has been used by mom, me David and Eve last Christmas since it was only the four of us in town that Christmas day.  It was good because 11 days earlier I had to lay Major the Gentle Giant down due to cancer and I know you know how much that broke my heart.  I have Thermo now, a very exhuberent Yellow Labrador and I think you would be madly in love with this overgrown puppy.  He is turning into a confident guide dog even if my mom doesn't totally trust him because you know how much she likes to control me especially now that dad is  gone.  I have tried really hard to carry on in the past 6 1/2 years since you left me.  Let's see I have had four major back surgeries and the last one I was told that within a 95 percent probability I would be a full blown paraplegic, not sure if I was ready for that, but you know me I would have made the best out of it anyhow.  I have had some work done on the house and even though I am still getting the move to move, I am still here in Pine Ridge.  We bought this house as our home and until I have guidance from above, I have no plans on moving.  I am comfortable here and since the house has been rearranged, I know  where everything is and enjoy having friends come over from time to time.  Beverly is still in the trailer.  Toby passed six months after you did and she and Brandon, her son, have done a good job of keeping the place up and keeping the rent up as well.  I am hoping to sell it to them this summer, by owner financing it to them and I really hope they will buy it from me.Other than that I miss you more than ever and no I am not dating yet.  I have been on one date since you passed and I would like to, just haven't found the right girl, and maybe I am comparing you to anyone I would meet, but you were special and knew that God gave you to me and as you recall I wasted no time in asking you to marry me.  I still cannot believe that tomorrow, July 10 2015 would have been our 16th wedding anniversary and you would have been retired from Hopkins by now.  Just know I always loved you even when I did not show it like I always should have.I look forward to the day when I reach Heaven and we will see each other again.  Happy anniversary my angel.

Not feeling good

I think that this one says it all.  I got the staples taken out on Friday and they really pulled and just have not felt good all weekend.  .  The incisions have really stung and the lower one feels really warm to the touch and is really bothering me tonight.  I am hoping I don't have an infection there, but after talking to our church nurse, I know that is highly possible so I have called the surgeon's nurse and left her a message on her voice mail and am hoping she will call me back first thing in the morning. 
If nothing else, maybe I can get an antibiotic called in to my pharmacy and that will take care of the problem.
I did not make it to church this morning and was really disappointed because I wanted to be there with mom, but she definitely understood and checked on me a couple of times and that was good too.  I know she is about ready for all of this moving stuff to be all over and done with and she is definitely going to be here with me for at least a coule of weeks and I think that will be good for both of us.  I know it gets real lonely here and am sure the same thing happens with mom too.
I am happy we were all able to take her out for Mother's Day yesterday and definitely enjoyed Red Robin.  I would go there more often if it were closer to my house, their hamburgers are really good even though they are huge, and mom and I will be going somewhere later in the week.

So excited

I am so excited tonight.  I just learned that Kelly the puppy that I sponsored in Sue's memory will be going back to Southeastern on June 2.  If she passes her In for Training tests, which I have no doubt that she will pass, then she will start her training as a guide dog and that pleases me.
I sponsored her to memorialize Sue and know that she would be just as excited and proud as I am for the way that her raiser, Kayla has done with her.  I know that this has been a positive experience for Kayla and her family and I really hope that she will consider raising more puppies for Southeastern.

One more day

One more day and I will have my nerve stimulator implanted in my spine.  I was so shocked and pleased on Friday when the surgeon's office called letting me know that there had been a cancellation and seeing if I wanted to ahve the surgery on Monday, which I gladly took.
It was definitely an unexpected blessing and by this time tomorrow I should be leaving the hospital heading toward a drive thru and then to mom's house for two days.
After the trial being so successful I am looking forward to the permanent implant doing what it did during the trial and that is a great thing because the relief was so immediate and I felt really good with the stimulation and am so thankful that we are going down this road instead of fusion surgery.
I am just so thankful everything worked out the way that it did and so humbled from all of the people that have been praying for me as well.

Oh what a surprise!!!

Oh what a surprise I received around lunchtime today.  Dr. Toussaint's office called and wanted to know if I could have my surgery Monday morning instead of Wednesday morning, and of course I changed it.  I was so surprised and it was definitely an unexpected blessing and feel very fortunate to have had the date changed.
I had really hoped for the surgery to have been done today, but realized that was totally unrealistic, but Monday is the next best thing to that.  It just goes to show that the Lord definitely takes care of His children and all we have to do is to trust Him.

A better day

It has definitely been a better day other than I have been extremely sleepy all day long.  The added half Perkaset pill has definitely made a difference and I discovered by accident that some of the real pain I was experiencing during the day was due to exercising right now.  I know that riding the bike is definitely good for me, but I get into a groove and just start flying and it seems to be aggravating things instead of helping, so am going to lie low until after I get the stimulator implanted and then will slowly get back to where I was riding.
It is now less than six days until the stimulator is implanted and I am extremely excited about the prospects of what it is going to do for me.

A surgery date

I have a surgery date.  I was kind of hoping for this Friday, but will be having my implant surgery on Wednesday at 7:30 in the morning.  A lot earlier than I would like to be up, but it will be the first surgery on the schedule so that is a good thing too.
It will be an outpatient procedure and barring anything unforseen, I should be back home by lunch=time and that will be good too.  I know that mom will take me and then I will hit a drive through on the way home.  She will go and get her little dog after she gets me settled and then will come back and assume will spend the night with me and even though I think I can handle it myself, I think it will be a good thing that she will be here, I know that you can't be too careful anyhow.
Yesterday and last night I was hurting so badly and Dr. Toussaint upped the amount of Perkaset I can take and just hope I don't run out before surgery, but if I do, then I know he will give me a prescription for more than I have been normally taking and that will be good too.

A better night

It was definitely a better night last night.  I know after getting up my back was aching and think I may be overdoing it a little bit on the bike, so I am definitely having to back off on the tension and the amount of time I am riding.  I am definiteoy looking forward to seeing the neurosurgeon in the mroning and getting this thing scheduled.  I cannot wait to get the stimulator in.
I am really aching right now and will take antoher pill in just a few minutes and will just basically chill out for the rest of the day and see if I can go to bed a little earlier tonight and then should have a better day tomorrow.

Still hurting

This one says it all.  I am still really hurting tonight and just don't know quite what to do about it.  I know I have one more Perkaset I can take and all it seems like it is doing is just barely taking the edge off of the pain, but guess that is better than nothing at all.  I don't see Dr. Toussaint until Wednesday morning and I need the quickest surgery date he can give me for the implant.  there are times that no matter what i do, I just cannot get comfortable and I know how much this chronic pain is effecting my sleep.  I dozed a couple of times while watching tv, but never really took a much needed nap and am hoping I don't get awakened again at 4:30 like I did this morning.
I think the only way I am really making it is from my friends who have been praying for me and I am so humbled to think they would take time out to keep me in pryar so that it can keep me going through all of this.

Still hurting this morning

The title says it all, I am still hurting this morning and my back woke me up around 4:30.  I took my pill around 4:45 and know I could take one now but really would like to wait closer to lunch time to take it.  I will be so glad when I get my surgery date and we go ahead and implant the stimulator to give me the relief I so desperately need.  this has long gotten past frustrating and am going to go and get on the bike for a few minutes to see if that will help me feel better and to limber me up a little bit.
I know that the appointment with the surgeon is not until Wednesday and then who knows when the surgery will be, but am hoping and praying that we can get something in the next two weeks, so until then will have to take my medicine and just ahve to be really careful.

Really hurting

I am really hurting tonight.  It has been a long day and my back woke me up around 4:45 this morning.  I really started hurting during church and took a Perkaset during Sunday School and it was a long afternoon at mom's.  I am so ready to get the stimulator implanted in my back so that the slightest traveling or sitting in church won't make me hurt so badly.  I know this is effecting my sleeping as well and frankly I am tired of being tired and tonight I am to the point of either crying or just being nauseated.  I just don't understand how some people live in chronic pain all of the time because this is getting to me and am getting tired of hearing all of the over hyped Christianese.  I know God is in control and know He is here to help me along, but give me a break, I get so sick and tired of hearing it that it begins to sound fake to me and it's like please live your faith instead of trying to convince me with your over used hype.
I may just go to bed early tonight and see if I can get some sleep.  I guess I have been hurting more the last couple days than I have realized and it is really beginning to wear me down.

Lonely tonight

I guess I am just feeling lonely tonight.  The last couple of weeks have been really painful and my back has really hurt.  I was hoping to have had the implant implanted by now and was happy to have gone to Marie and Jas's wedding, but it took a lot out of me.  I really missed Sue not being there with me and thought back to nearly 13 years ago at our wedding when Marie, who had just turned 14 was a junior bridesmaid in our wedding.  She was so pretty then and was a gorgeous bride.  I just hope they have a happy marriage like Sue and I had.
I think I am lonely because I am so missing her and the house just seems so quiet tonight.  I have a good friend who at some point I would not mind dating and think she would not mind dating me.  We were hoping to get together when I went to Danny's at Christmas, but it just did not work out because it was Christmas weekend and we really would have liked to have gone out somewhere jsut the two of us.  I am really hoping that Dan wants mom and I to come down at some point soon and if we do, then I will call Betsy and we will go out by ourselves at least one time.  This is a very sweet Christian lady whose ex-husband emotionally and verbally abused and for the life of me don't understand because Betsy is a sweetheart.  She is the kind of woman I have been praying for ever since Sue died and if something happened between us, I would have to move to Georgia because that is where her youngest is in school, but don't think that would be too bad in the long run too.
I have been thinking about wanting to date and to be married again a good bit and also know that she has to be the one that God chooses for me and of course has to be a strong Christian and I would not want it any other way.
I really wish that Sue could have been with me at marie's wedding because it was a lovely wedding and know she would have been so proud of marie and how grown up she has become.

Really scared

I am really scared. Ever since Sue died I really was looking for someone to date and then to get married again, and yes I would not mind that coming true but on my terms and even on God's terms. I have a good friend that emailed me last week and told me she was attracted to me. The problem is that I am not attracted to her like she is to me and just don't know how to handle it.
I have been praying to make sure that this is right and have not gotten my answer yet, and then today about lunchtime Tracy texted me and told me she was thinking about me today, and that really blew me away. I had no idea what to say back so I told her I thought they were good thoughts and hoped she was doing well because she deals with really bad migranes.
I really hope that I did not hurt her feelings, but it shocked me and after having some bad situations with women coming on to me, I just do not know how to handle this. I would never hurt Tracy in one million years, but am not attracted to her at all right now and just do not know how to tell her.
There is another blind lady that I correspond with and really like her better, so who knows how it will work out and Betsy seems to be more settled.

Having problems getting to sleep

I have been having problems getting to sleep lately. I am sure that it is the holidays and am really missing Sue. I think I will be calling my doctor in the morning and seeing about getting a prescription for something to help me sleep. I had to do this right after Sue died, and have not had anything for several months because I think I was too dependent on it. I have also been having problems with the cold and damp weather effecting the arthritis in my back and knee and that is not fun either, so I will just see what I can get done about it. I am ready to get to sleep right now and waiting for the Perkased to take effect and hopefully I will not be as groggy in the morning as I was this morning.

Missing my Angel

I have really been missing my sweet Angel lately. I guess that is why some nights it has been really hard to get to sleep and some nights I have awakened at 4:30 in the morning and that is no fun at all.
I am sure that the holidays are exaserbating these feelings and the holidays were always so much fun for us and we enjoyed spending it with family as well, and that really hurst because she is not here. I know two years ago when my feelings were really raw, dad was near death so i just pushed my feelings aside and then last year I was in the hospital recovering from major back surgeryand it would have been so nice if she had been able to be there with me while I was in the hospital and know that she would have been if she had been alive, so this year it seems harder than maybe I was hoping it was going to.
I am just thankful for the friends that I have and the church that I am in right now and thankful that these people have kept me going for nearly the past three years as well.

Really missing Sue today

I am really missing Sue today. I watched a Hallmark movie that I recorded Sunday night and it was the kind of movie that I would have watched with my wife. We loved sitting on the couch sharing popcorn and watching a good sappy and family oriented movie like the Lost Valentine. I guess I ahve been suppressing feelings I have had and today more than lately really miss not only the love that we shared, but the companionship of a loving woman.
I really miss being married and I guess with this being February and Valentine's Day almost being here, I want someone in my life to share it with and knwo that even sitting here I have not voiced that to the Lord like I need to. It gets so lonely here and quiet here that I can hardly stand it and then there are some days rthat I am just fine.
I know that I am dealing with things much better than when she died nearly two years ago, but then after interacting with people who have lost spouses, I feel like I am starting all over again at times too, and maybe that is a good reminder of what I had and what I truly lost.
I think that this must be God's way of reminding me that He is always there to take care of me and that he will provide for me int he right time and I need to depend on Him even that much more.

Emotionally exhausted

I went to a greif share group last night and was emotionally exhausted. I felt like in many ways I was re-living the day that Sue died and maybe that was a good thing.
I see good things coming out of this group and there is a guy in the group that lost his wife less than six months ago and he seems so lost and I so feel for him because he is right now where I was nearly two years ago and some days even feel that way when no one is around.
I really think that there will be some good in the groupand hope I can help someone with what I have already been through as well as being helped as I still go through the journey of grief as well.

Hurting tonight

I am hurting tonight. My leg has been hurting all day long and this is getting really old. I am really trying to be patient waiting on the doctor's office to call with the referral appointment. I don't care what they do at this point and that includes putting me in a body cast after surgery just to get some relief. I am frustrated because I don't feel like doing anything. I have laundry that needs attention and a few dishes that need washing as well. My friend Kim is supposed to be here tomorrow, but have no idea what time because she has not called or emailed me yet and that is hrribly frustrating as well.
She told me she would call me some time today and ahve not ehard anything and think that is kind of rude. With my luck it will be after I get in the be which won't be anytime soon and guess I just need the time to myself this evening.

Vry frustrated

I am frustrated right now. I told mom if we wanted to get lunch before my MRI appointment, then she needed to be here at 11:30 and it is nearly that now and called her on her phone but have not heard back from her. I don't knwo if she is on the phone with someone else or if her phone is not receiving calls well, and that could be very possible sice we are both on Verizon at the moment. I know I need to be at the hospital around 12:30 for the paperwork and then ahve the MRI at 1:00 and would really like to get a bite to eat before it starts. Hopefully I will be hearing from her in the next few minutes.